- All
Comments (3) - Add a
Comment - Send
Feedback Send private anonymous feedback to the author (click here to post a public comment instead).
| Literotica Toy Store ADULT TOY & DVD STORE FAST & DISCREET |
Literotica XXX Webcams 24/7 LIVE CAMS - FREE PREVIEW W/AUDIO! |
Literotica Adult Movies STREAMING ADULT MOVIES PAY PER MINUTE |
English
Hot!
Not too shabby! Although surprised it wasn't under the Romance category. Great job though!
Nice tale!
I very much enjoyed this story. You should post it in Romance.
Needs some editing, but otherwise a great story.
Constructive criticism here...as I said in my title, it's a great story but you need to pay attention to a few details, such as spelling. I know it's difficult to catch all spelling errors, but a thorough read through would cause you to find errors such as "I hissed her." Hissing and kissing evoke different emotions! Lol!
The other bit of constructive criticism I would offer is to watch out for repetitive phrases. You way over used the phrase, "I then," to the point that it became very distracting. I would suggest you find a fellow writer and send them your submission to critique before you post. The result will be a much more enjoyable story for the reader.
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Intimate and Passionate Conception or
More submissions by TheAirIsBetter.