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English
Feedback please
Would love some feedback on this one. This character is from a novel i'm writing.
Please feel free to comment and let me know what you think or if you'd like to read more about him.
Mmmm... Not half bad.
You have good dialogue, which is often missing on this site.
However, I have two main critiques.
1) Description. You're writing erotica, mate - you have to give enough information so that the reader feels like they're actually watching the scene. You also have to do it without just having an exposition dump, which can be tricky... so don't worry about describing the people and place so much as the feelings (both physical and emotional) that the scene is charged with.
2) Character Development. The girl, right now, is nothing more than a sex toy. I have absolutely zero idea what her personality is - is she nervous, catty, just plain horny? Why is she blowing a guy in the gym? Presumably the place has cameras, and if her boss sees that, it could be bad. Why does she just disappear after giving him such a good blowjob?
Oh, and just a personal note, I don't like "'"So you're new here,' Charlotte continued, "to this gym I mean, I can see you're not a first time gym user." very much. It feels like you're trying to live vicariously through the main character, and trying to make him as appealing as possible... that might well not be what you're doing at all, but a line like that comes across as arrogant.
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