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English
Criticism appreciated
So in trying to pop my cherry with my first submission I'd appreciate any positive feedback, people.
Good Try
Try again. Next time let the cheaters get caught.
Author, the last thing this site needs is another cheating wife tale.
How about posting a tale where a husband has some balls and makes the cheating wife and lover pay a steep price.
positve feedback follows
get the male adulterer divorced and fired, and get the adulterous wife pregnant with another mans child and divorced for adultery, that's positive feedback
1*
Nah. This is your first? Maybe it should be your last
***
You certainly have a way with words, but I found this story lacking in many ways. First, it wasn't set up very well, as we know nothing about the main characters. What is Alan's marriage like? Is it a good marriage? Is it on the rocks? His wife is hardly mentioned. What about Erica's marriage? Did Alan and Erica have any sort of relationship before this encounter? Without knowing any of those things, we don't care what happens to these characters. It's just two people having sex.
Secondly, what happens afterward? That seems like the most interesting part of this story, no? Perhaps you meant to write this as a first chapter to a longer series? If so, you should indicate that by labeling this as Chapter One.
It's not a bad first efforts. I encourage you to continue writing.
well done
not sure why there are negative comments, you wrote an excellent erotic story, you tagged it correctly. Not every story has to have background on a marriage to justify lust.
keep writing, you are doing it right
Just...
Just two cheating assholes...
tense
It can't all have happened.in the present unless he was texting throughout. Use the past tense. If you doubt its value, check out any great novel.
NOT BAD FOR A FIRST TRY
Okay. you just popped your cherry, and instead of do it with a sweet, kind, loving audience, you picked the toughest critics you could have chosen. On this site you have to contend with some who seem to read just to bitch, but we also have those who really try to help. I see you have now met both.
Maybe I can help just a bit. DO NOT WRITE THIS TYPE STORY IN THE SECOND PERSON. A beginner just isn't able to pull it off, and even if you do, it still has too many weaknesses.
It's true, an erotic story in the FIRST PERSON helps the reader identify with the character, however its weakness is the narrator can only tell what he sees, knows from personal experience, or what someone else has told him, and you must make sure the reader is aware of how he knows the info.
THIRD PERSON LIMITED VIEWPOINT has its uses, but I'm not familiar enough to help with it.
THIRD PERSON OMNIPOTENT is by far the most versatile. (See most novels.) With this viewpoint the narrator knows what God knows, but remember, like God he cannot lie to the reader.
You really seem to have a good feel for the written word. This story is interesting, while having all the weaknesses other serious commentators have pointed out. It's hard to cover, what needs to take place in a well written story, on just one page. Keep in mind, while this is true, if you write over three pages you better be GOOD! Readers will tune out when bored.
By this time you're probably bored with me, so I'll quit the helper mode and just say "Don't let the naysayers get you down. I promise you, had you submitted to any other category, your rating would have been at least a high three and most probably a four.
GOOD LUCK! thecarolinadreamer
***
Good writing and reading, but the story line, BLEAH! (I just plagiarized "Peanuts") Cheers!
Marginally LW
In my personal opinion, an LW story has to have a cheating wife (or Sweetie ... FT does provide Erica), a Hubby (Jacques is just barely known, but we don't usually expect guys with Frenchie names to be outdone by guys with Englishy names!), and a Bull* (not too much problem there.) BUT, the extra-marital sex also needs (and this is where my definition gets more limiting) to have SOME consequence in the relationship between Sweetie and Hubby. Hubby goes postal and BTB ensues; OR Hubby gets depressed and abandons Sweetie, leaving nary a trace; OR Hubby figures a way to get elaborate revenge against Bull without Sweetie knowing (she may suspect Hubby, but is truly uncertain - including about her OWN fate!) OR even (yuck) Cucky Hubby likes for Sweetie to get royally shtupped more than she does! There has to be SOME consequence, or the story is just Erotic Coupling (again, just for me!) In this story, there is no reaction by Hubby (whom we only know to be a colleague of the Bull.) Maybe there will be eventually, but until then, the category should be EC! In other words, erase Jacques, and Alan's NAMELESS wife, and the story suffers VERY little.
BTW - all we know about Sweetie is that she is short but trophy-class in looks ... oh, yeah, and there is zero seduction ... she's just as ready to provide the casing as Bull is to stuff some salami. Thank goodness for undeveloped spouse-characters who zonk out at the cheaters' convenience.
* Yeah, we DO learn Alan's (our amoral sex-torpedo Bull) name at the very end!
Thanks!
Hey, All - thanks for the comments. Always willing to learn and I have been given a pile of constructive tips, which is exactly what I wanted. Lessons learned, hopefully I'll get closer to the high standards expected from this audience. Not Mrs Brown's Grade 8 English class, I see! All good.
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