The story has potential, but your writing style is a little rough and it's a bit hard to read. There's no real flow to the story, and you seem to be rushing it. You haven't really developed your characters so that your readers will care about them and if you're planning for this to be a multi-chapter work, which it seems you do, then you need to keep the readers coming back.
My best suggestion is to find yourself an editor....someone who can work with you to develop your characters and help you with the timing and the flow of your story. There are volunteer editors available throught the site. I happen to be one of them, but I already work with a few authors and I don't really have time to take on anymore, but I'm sure you can find someone who can work with you.
Good luck.
by
Anonymous09/21/14
The way they talk about never having siblings & gaining one makes them come of hella young. They are grown ass kids 18 & older they're not gonna care that much, shit most wouldn't care at all. When your that old you miss the window to form a real sibling like relationship with your step-sibs. Some rare cases they do but most cases your more like "friends of the family" with each other.
If you had them become a fam when the kids were younger it would've made their eagerness to never having a sibling rang more true to me. Also it would have made them having sex seem taboo had they grew up together. Instead they're just grown strangers fucking, who parents just so happen to be married. Its weird but not taboo or all that unusal.
English
There's potential....
The story has potential, but your writing style is a little rough and it's a bit hard to read. There's no real flow to the story, and you seem to be rushing it. You haven't really developed your characters so that your readers will care about them and if you're planning for this to be a multi-chapter work, which it seems you do, then you need to keep the readers coming back.
My best suggestion is to find yourself an editor....someone who can work with you to develop your characters and help you with the timing and the flow of your story. There are volunteer editors available throught the site. I happen to be one of them, but I already work with a few authors and I don't really have time to take on anymore, but I'm sure you can find someone who can work with you.
Good luck.
The way they talk about never having siblings & gaining one makes them come of hella young. They are grown ass kids 18 & older they're not gonna care that much, shit most wouldn't care at all. When your that old you miss the window to form a real sibling like relationship with your step-sibs. Some rare cases they do but most cases your more like "friends of the family" with each other.
If you had them become a fam when the kids were younger it would've made their eagerness to never having a sibling rang more true to me. Also it would have made them having sex seem taboo had they grew up together. Instead they're just grown strangers fucking, who parents just so happen to be married. Its weird but not taboo or all that unusal.
A good yarn...so far!
Looking forward to what you do from here...oh the potential!
Most definitely needs an editor
May I ask,, wtf is grown,,, just before that he knocked her in the pull
Gave it an very undeserved ace
FUCKING TRASH
it takes TWO.
So far so good. It has very good potental ! Love it so far....
please continue this story..i need more !
I agree
You do need an editor. You need to learn the difference between pull and POOL, latter and LADDER, and grown and GROUND.
Good so far
Need more chapters.
Sitting in his laugh??
Fir fcks ake! (sic)
Appalling. Don't bother submitting again.
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to It Takes Two or
More submissions by FallenSky25.