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English
Excellent start
You have written a fine story, Snowi. Congratulations on your success and welcome to Literotica. I can see you becoming a very popular contributor -- thank you -- 5 stars.
good girl
Expressing yourselif s a good thing, through writing
MWC
Hey Snowi
Nice first submission.
We can feel the budding relationship between them.
You gave us a good view into her thoughts throughout the piece. Even though it was from her pov, it would have been nice to get a bit more of an idea of his thoughts. You can do that by increasing her observations of his action/reactions, adding precise descriptor words for him and with well chosen dialogue from him.
This is a personal preference, but one that divides the reading audience rather clearly... Face slapping brings things to a full stop for me. There are several similarly divisive activities: bodily excreta, blood, weapons, humiliation... . I am NOT saying don't use edgier things. Your kinks and your story are your own. I would advise that you look at your finished work with a squinty eye and think what activities people might be looking for or looking to avoid. Make use of the tags to list specifics. Many authors use a brief note at the start of the story as well. Doing those things brings you more readers looking for what you are offering and waves off people who might react and vote/comment negatively to a kink that is just not their thing.
Nice!
Really nice! I like how she first takes advantage of his "shyness" and is sassy in the beginning. But then he's more dominant and she acts more obedient. Nice first story, Snowi! I hope you continue this.
Thank You
Thank you all for the feedback, comments and warm welcomes.
Your advice is taken on board. I am completely niaeve to sites such as this so will in future put a warning of contents before the story and make better use of the tags.
I have written another lengthy part but before I submit, I think I will see if I can put any thoughts / feelings from Jon in there otherwise he's just going to look like a right a-hole, which he really isn't. I think I may also carefully reconsider the genre I submit it to - whilst it will become a more typical Dom/sub story, I can appreciate that at the moment it's not, especially the next installment.
Thank you all again for taking the time to comment.
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