... but the change of person was distracting. You ought to rewrite this and submit it again -- then it will be a five-star winner! Thank you for writing for us and please keep on doing it!
by
Anonymous09/30/14
Wrong Category
This story ought to be in the Non-Consent.
by
Anonymous10/03/14
Very good, but for the POV switch
I agree with the others about the POV switch. I'm guessing you drafted in third person and then switched to first before posting? I'm left to wonder if the last bit was added at the end thinking that people might want more sex... but it was great before that, if so.
The last section was written a day after the rest, and I hadn't noticed the change of person. I reread, hoping it had been deliberate, but no. My very nice proof reader didn't pick me up on it either. Apologies, I shall check better in future for daft errors.
by
Anonymous12/30/14
needs editing
While I really enjoyed the story line, there were just too many editing mistakes. You switched to third person near the end, and you slipped into present tense for a while mid story.
English
Person
Good story. But I not sure if it was intentional or not but you switched from first person at the end
Why
did you slip from 'First' person to 'Third' person?
That was nice ...
... but the change of person was distracting. You ought to rewrite this and submit it again -- then it will be a five-star winner! Thank you for writing for us and please keep on doing it!
Wrong Category
This story ought to be in the Non-Consent.
Very good, but for the POV switch
I agree with the others about the POV switch. I'm guessing you drafted in third person and then switched to first before posting? I'm left to wonder if the last bit was added at the end thinking that people might want more sex... but it was great before that, if so.
A simple mistake
The last section was written a day after the rest, and I hadn't noticed the change of person. I reread, hoping it had been deliberate, but no. My very nice proof reader didn't pick me up on it either. Apologies, I shall check better in future for daft errors.
needs editing
While I really enjoyed the story line, there were just too many editing mistakes. You switched to third person near the end, and you slipped into present tense for a while mid story.
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