“Derisa and I was smart friends . . ..” Not so much; should be “Derisa and I were smart friends . . ..” If you were the valedictorian, you would have applied early and been accepted early in the school year. “Anyway, it's 2pm in the afternoon and I was coming back . . ..” Are you telling the story in present tense or past tense? Derisa is your best friend and the salutatorian and you don’t even know if she has applied for admission to any college? “Now that I think about it” was overused. “In the kitchen sweetie.” My Mom replied. This should be “In the kitchen, sweetie,” my Mom replied.
I stopped reading at this point.
English
Now that I think about it . . .
“Derisa and I was smart friends . . ..” Not so much; should be “Derisa and I were smart friends . . ..” If you were the valedictorian, you would have applied early and been accepted early in the school year. “Anyway, it's 2pm in the afternoon and I was coming back . . ..” Are you telling the story in present tense or past tense? Derisa is your best friend and the salutatorian and you don’t even know if she has applied for admission to any college? “Now that I think about it” was overused. “In the kitchen sweetie.” My Mom replied. This should be “In the kitchen, sweetie,” my Mom replied.
I stopped reading at this point.
Liked the story but...
The story could be very good but the lapses in grammar made it hard to read. Try getting someone to proof read your material.
I agree with the commenters before me.
It was very difficult to read.
eg. "I know he don't mean to miss it" and " can tell someone don't jerk off too often"
don't means Do Not
doesn't means Does not.
I know he do not mean to miss it...? really?
Get a proofreader/editor to help you out. I only read to about the half way point before I gave up.
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