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Take your time, stay awhile
Here is a constructive advice. Take your time, this is not a sprint. No chit chat, no dialogue... it was like she was a prostitute. Have them resist their urges, have them be a little hesitant to give in.
Manners!
You don't take hold of her head and force your cock down her throat. If she is being nice enough to supply a blow job, let her do it the way she wants to. That piece of shitty behaviour spoiled an otherwise moderately entertaining if highly unlikely story.
find a way to build up to it.
What causes the need to get in the sack? Glances, certain conversation, accidental touches, a game during swimming or other activity can give the reader a purpose for the resulting activity. Even a tension or past memory can do the same. Between relatives, a focus on a little tension over someone finding out could be useful.
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