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English
Spoiled by too many repeated words
I liked your story but it was ruined by using too many repeated words. "As" is a good example, so many paragraphs start with it. I accept that you are writing this to Rosey but if you use a thesaurus you can find alternative words. Good story telling is about using descriptive and imaginative writing. Try not to use the common words but break it up with words that gives a feel for the story being told. I will be looking forward to the second chapter of this story.
difficult
Have to agree, this read like a spreadsheet or story board. You've chosen a difficult format here and have fallen into some traps. Simple language with sadly very little colour. Sometimes it's better not to say something and let the readers imagination fill in the blanks. I suggest using one of literoticas editors aswell.
Enjoyed
Hot description of the best kind of night between two lovers... I liked all the attention to detail, really made it easy to imagine :) thanks!
well I may have enjoyed that a little too much...
Very good read, only downside is now I need a cold shower...
Enjoyable
This story made me very horny, I had an orgasm after the second paragraph
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