Jill's Deflowering

It Kept Making Me Laugh

Are you sure that you're over eighteen? This struck me as very juvenile. It wasn't very arousing, but it sure was funny. You didn't write much of a story. Instead you jumped right into the sex, and described it like a teenager would. With each description I found myself cracking up. I'll give you a 3 for effort.

Down to business

Sometimes it's nice to have a story that doesn't beat around he bush. It could benefit from a bit more storyline perhaps. I liked the way you got in both of their minds a bit.

Grammar

The dude wrote 'would have' instead of the abominable 'would of' so he is definitely over 18 and just for that he gets a bloody well earned five stars. Better writing than most of the grammatically challenged idiots on this site.

Omg the babysitter for your kids shows up in short dresses and he doesn't tell her to dress more appropriately around the kids, Yeah thats father of the year