Our Old Friend: Our?

unfinished again

you really need to finish these stories. i waited on rating the first one in the hope that it was only part one, but that is not happening. please finish.

Stop posting this unfinished bullshit you call stories, its a waste of time!

Seemed pretty well finished to me.

He had his say. She refused to listen and kept up the feminist diatribe. He gave her the conditions for staying, she refused to listen. He said what he would do, what she needed to do. Seems like the story was pretty well finished to me.

Great Start

So far, so good. It's nice to see the man stand up for himself, for a change.
Looking forward to the next chapter.

Hmmm

Not a story as there is very little background... Just a conversation between the two stupid people!

That's twice now

that you truncated the end of a story...leaving readers unsatisfied....I, for one, would have liked to know if she stayed or went to the "Rooster" and the consequences of her acts.

Same plot as first story

I didn't enjoy your first story & this is almost identical, just a slightly different situation & names. Your writing skills are quite good, the plot was ok once but not twice & on each occasion you used almost the same sentence to finish. This ending, like the first, leaves the reader hanging, wanting to know what will happen. I also found it unrealistic how quickly your hero goes from loving husband to divorce in something like 10 minutes. Are all your stories going to be similar, because if so, I'll refrain from reading anymore of your work. 1 *

Talk about . . .

. . . over reacting. Some guys give irrational a bad name. I have to wonder about the purpose of this so called story however. Does author consider it guidance, possibly a new age morality play?

Good basic effort

Yes, he's preachy and condescending, and the story ends abruptly. But it's also the short form of any number of LW stories about the unwelcome and dangerous (to the relationship/marriage) third party invited in by one of the spouses.

The central phrase is "push has come to shove," with the events happening in a single conversation rather than over several weeks or months and several pages of narrative and dialogue. Her dogged determination to overcome her husband's strong objections hints loudly at an unpleasant, untold story that, in the end, doesn't really matter in its details (hence the story's last line).

The sequel might involve her awakening to the loss of a good marriage and seeking reconciliation. It might involve the husband uncovering evidence of other betrayal, whether sexual or otherwise (does she really respect him?). It might even show him to be a domineering jerk and her resolution to stop putting up with a husband who sounds like a cross between a tweedy college professor and a Mafia don.

Cutting to the chase forecloses the opportunity to explore the possibilities and personalities of the situations and the players. But it also demonstrates what might happen if a man doesn't simply accept and "go with the slow" and "see what happens."

prematurely turned the oven heat off on a promising but only half-risen literary loaf.

These are the kind of ultimatums a husband issies to a wife, when the marriage already is on life support. The old friend is dicey but the situation is manageable. there are well founded suspicions but its only circumstantial. So far. the husband's my way or the highway tude' bespeak of further unspoken grievances that have led up to this cliff's edge.

I look forward to when this author sees fit to describe what issues that must lie beneath.

I cant believe the whiners standing up for the wife in this story. Would you all seriously cave in and let your wives bring their old boyfriends in to stay at your house? I think the man is right... If she is dead set for the boyfriend to share their home, its time to start thinking about splitting up.

I'm starting to see a pattern here and.....

I don't like it. You lay out the groundwork for a good story and then you say "Well the middle and ending don't matter." A good story that isn't finished is worse than a finished bad story. I'll keep that in mind when I see a "story" authored by you.

You need to team up with....

FinishTheDamnStory.

2 *

Not a bad score for 1/3 of a story.

Better Than The First Story

I can't believe that she invites an old boyfriend (it doesn't really matter if he was a lover or not), to stay in their home without discussing it with her husband first, and then gets upset when he objects!

It makes me wonder if he is right about her and Brewster. If it was really so innocent, she would see where her husband was coming from and tell Brewster to get a hotel room.

Rules of Life

Every second of our lives no matter where we are or what we are doing we are subject rules, we are governed by rules enacted by parliament, by terms of employment, by the terms and conditions when we book an airline ticket and the rules we agree to in marriage No we do not own our spouse but we do own the right to expect our partner to stick to whatever agreed rules you have in your relationship, monogamous marriage, an open marriage, whatever you have agreed. Out of the blue you are confronted by a rule change, not asked for and negotiated but told, no discussion or debate. In this story he tried to reason but every time she rejected his point of view, she is away with the fairy's. Good writing about a guy who is prepared to stand up for himself and not be trodden on, people who are dictatorial in their attitude do not like it when it comes back at them as this husband did. The last line in this story is very relevant because the damage has been done, there is no marriage left. Lets have some more zampa, need some variation of course and ignore the chaos that would ensue if everyone followed the views of BobNbobbi and kdcee79.

I enjoyed it.

Dialogue was a bit stilted, but it conveyed all the reader needed to know.

For all you know...

Brewster could have become an Amish farmer with twelve kids. You'll never know. That how unfinished stories are.

Endings

Really Really don't like your endings......

She Isn't Worth The Time...

So now he knows they were not properly married!

End of a farce, time to make a new life....find the "love" he wants.

some improvement

This shows some improvement form your previous work, there is dialog between the two characters.
It does feel like a too small snippet of a story, normally the idea of a flash story is to have a bit more of an impact, more "something happens".

Would you really be okay with your wife telling you that she is having one of her previous lovers stay in your house?
Telling not asking?
Most husbands, most men, would not be having any of that.

As another said, there are rules to a marriage or any partnership, rules that both have agreed to follow.
If one decides the rules no longer apply to her or him, or to unilaterally change the rules, then it is obvious that the marriage or partnership is broken, probably beyond repair.
The respect due a partner is already gone.

Stilted dialogue

and a crappy ending. While the BTB story line can work you're taking it to a fast food approach, meal or divorce served in 5 minutes or less. After all what kind of marriage would it have been that it could be wrapped up that quickly. I'm not fond of what you're doing.

Hmmm...

More a conversation than a story, even a flash story.

Dialog was cumbersome and stilted. Think about how people talk in real life. Short sentences unless we wax pedantic.

While most men would not put up with her attitude, few invested in loving someone would move from that to kicking her out and gaining a firm decision to divorce her in a single conversation. Most would not threaten to physically harm her or her things. He comes off as a bit of an asshole to match her selfishness. There appeared to be little in the way of an emotional relationship between them either. Him mostly anger. Her mostly defiance. Nothing about sadness, hurt, love or care.

I guess the whole thing came off as more of a rant in the guise of a conversation then as a story. Still, as another commenter said, it is an improvement in your writing so keep working at it.

Now I understand...

Now I understand that these stories will not have part 2...These stories are about men that don't let things in a marrige get to a point where they have to take hard actions, as revenge. They cut it as soon as a dark cloud appears in the horizont and the wife shows no will to help him to send that could away...Only a very special man can act like that...Good story...

Needs an Epilogue

I would not have disclosed closing out the credit cards and bank accounts - would have let her discover that on her own. The comment about this being a flash story is probably correct. I appreciate, though, a non-cuck story.

What a disaster

Both this marriage and the story, I mean. I'm being kind by calling it a "story." It's more of a dialog -- and really badly-written dialog at that. Every sentence begins with "Don" or "Marie." I've never seen the Osmonds acting like such assholes before!

Neither character is likeable, the marriage isn't much of a marriage, there is no setup to this story, nor a plot, nor an ending. And yet it's rated higher than some of the other much-better-written and much-better-developed stories in this category. Go figure.

Nice little story

I love Slirpuff and Ohio and how achingly they portray the agony of a dying marriage. I also read so many stories where the husband has to 'catch' the wife, has to accumulate evidence--sometimes for months--before they feel they have enough to move to a divorce.

On the other hand, you have this nice little flash story: she is utterly disrespecting him, so he does the only rational thing and recognizes that he has no marriage. There is no need for tapes or taps or pictures, the marriage is dead, killed by the disrespect and the relegation of the husband to the 3rd or lower rank of importance. Recognize what is staring you in the face, don't agonize about it, just deal with it.

Admittedly, once the author realizes that contractions, judiciously used, improve dialog by making it more conversational and less stilted, his stories will be easier to read, but I can overlook that for the freshness and directness of his perspective.

Gotta go ...

I agree with Pappy And HDK. ALL the pertinent info is there. Could it be stretched out with Sweetie's cup size and Hubby's penile volume? Sure it could! What Hubby's annual income is, and what Sweetie majored in, in college.

Did Sweetie DID, in the next couple of paragraphs, or did she DIDN'T? Zampa answers that in his last statement. But, by then, Sweetie had been served ... because her persistence in her right of 'assembly' activated Hubby's right to terminate their (obviously already shaky) marriage! B4 Jimmy B even got to town!

The one assumption, about which I feel very confident, is that Jimmy B did not rest his head on any pillow in Hubby's house.

this

could this story be better if it was longer, yes. however this is a much better story than most in that once the husband realized that his wife didnt respect him at all why should he stay married. why should he wait for her to cheat on him and put himself through that pain. and yes she was going to cheat anyone that thinks otherwise is a idiot. looking forward to more of your stories.

I liked it

This is a great example of one of those defining moments in life where people are forced to make choices. She had been corresponding with an old boyfriend behind her husbands back. She had kept the embers of their old relationship burning. Now it is clear that she want to stir the embers into something more. Her husband recognized it, because it was as clear as day. The fool she is thought that she could lie or force her husband into some kind of twisted unbalanced situation. She was wrong. He made a wise decision. Thank God there was no mention of children! Time to cut this stupid, crazy, selfish bitch loose!

I Gave You Five Stars

But this is not a story and the "conversation" was impossibly formal and long-winded. The grade was for the idea and the brevity it might have had if the dialogue had been more realistic.

One more thing

About the brevity of this piece: nice change! While some of the writers on this site write longer more detailed stories that actually hold one's attention with their insight or humor. Many simply fill the page with extra words. If you have nothing more to add - please don't! Additionally the conciseness added to the clear headed logic theme of the piece! A pleasure to read!

your throw away line at the end is disrespectful

of the readers.
Why bother building up both positions in the relationship to just undo it by saying her next actions are irrelevant?

You also point out many of your own flaws in the story.
What would a judge rule?
Is it community property?
Is he willing to serve time in jail?
etc.

What would happen if she took two of her remaining minutes, called 911 or 999 (depending where you are), and reported his threat of violence?

and no, I am not defending her ill advised invitation to the rooster, or her unwillingness to discuss it with her husband. That part of her behaviour is wrong.

Pretty simple

She made a choice, he made a choice, end of story. Just the facts as Jack Webb would have said

It seems as if there is a lot of story yet to be told

Has she been cheating on her husband with her old lover, and did she go to her old lover, even after her husband had threatened divorce if she had anything to do with him?

Hope to see the rest of the story.

Great story...

Of course this leaves a lot of questions to be answered but she has made her choice to be disrespectful clear. The husband's actions are right. She is guilty of betrayal by default and and her evasive answers condem her. I liked the husbands forceful response. I would like to see the story continued.

Short and to the point. But not complete.

I like it. Although you dismiss her future actions as "irrelevant" we the readers would like to know what happens next. Please continue.

Oooooh!

A tear to my eye a Woody to my pants! Here we have read the story of a real man!

Second Verse***

Same as the first. Thanks for sharing.

Problemsi

Dialogue needs a lot of work, it's really stilted, and wooden.second it needs ore balance. Hubby is off on long riffs, the wife in short but some what dialog .

Husband comes across as a controlling Asshole. One would thing the wife would offer a compromise.
Part two willbe better
Chilley

Needs work

I get where the husband is coming from, but the way he reacts is way overdone.

TOUGH LOVE, SO IT MAY SEEM BRUTAL

but ever so necessary for mental health. TK U MLJ LV NV

Irrelevant "zampa"

No one talks this way, and as with all your other stories the husband is a complete asshole. Probably because you are one.

Well, At Least You Discovered Quotation Marks

Whether or not you discover humanity remains to be seen. Given your age, I'm not betting on you.

What a butthead!

He must have been looking for an excuse to rid himself of his wife. His reaction was extreme. Two stars from me.

My kind of story writer...

Now I must get involved in checking any other fabulous gems of literature from your fertile mind. Take no shit from the cum suckers and cucks. BTB enough times and just maybe some bitch will decide the grass to a bit greener on the present side.

Quite interesting but not nearly complete...

...could it be that whether a story is finished or not seems to be irrelevant?