Luna's New Stepbrother Ch. 01

Okay

If started off nicely and was creating a plot, but you rushed into it a bit to quickly and it threw off the setting IMO

You asked about what should change

You should go to elementary school and learn the difference between 'to' and 'too',
'there' and 'their', 'off' and 'of'. When they went to dinner, step father but on (I assume you meant put on) a tuxedo and Maxis (who didn't want to look tacky) wore a leather jacket with a hoodie, an American flag shirt and a beanie with a fluff ball. He didn't tie his shoes, probably because he hadn't learnt how to. Such elegance. Nevertheless he had mastered 14 instruments and could sing. A tribute to the US education system! Need I say more?

Confused

The story started out great and the plot had some great potential, but then it was as if another author took over and the ending was rushed, no imagination at the end.

Poor Grammer

It seemed as if there were three authors in this story.
One of them was 6 years old. There is a uncrashable spelling device you can use ...it is called a dictionary you can find it in most libraries since you cannot seem to access your spellchecker in your PC.
Otherwise you are doomed to submit stories like below .......

It was a dark and reigny knight.....eye didn't not what two dew.

Beyond the poor spelling, the ending was the weakest one I've read on this site. It would have been easy to have Luna go to Maxis' room a few minutes after that last kiss; even if you ended with her at the door (dressed in lingerie or nude), it would have been a natural lead-in for the next segment of the story.

Total Rubbish

Go bact to school

nice idea

Yes the grammar was poor, but the story has possibilities. A little quick on the hand job and flattening the back seat. Could use a little more build-up

Try again

Don't quit your day job....a very poor first effort.

Practice makes perfect. Develope the story characters a little bit more. Look forward to the next chapter.

Great!

And then Maxis accidentally sliced his widdle Dickie off with a hangnail. Oouchie!
Where's Granny when you don't need her? Daddy is wearing Grandpa's poi pole undies!

You just quit writing

You just stopped writing the story, suddenly the Range Rover had a bed in it or turned into a bed and you jacked him off with you dad and stepmom in the front seat. A Range Rover isn't a limo ya know. Also, English isn't your first language but it got much worse as you went on. Maybe some editing before submitting?

Thanks for the effort though, like someone else said practice

No hope

The adage is, write what you know. I'm doubting you know squat about huge mansions or people with money. A tux to go to a Chinese restaurant? It doesn't happen. Even fantasy needs reality behind it.

Everything was too exaggerated. Maxis plays 132 instruments? (OK, exaggeration) No. Not likely. Even fantasy needs reality behind it.

Lousy dialogue. One example: "It's barely 7:32 p.m." That's so wrong on too many points. People don't tend to be that precise. How does she know it's "barely" 7:32? What constitutes barely? Was it 7:32 and 4 seconds? 14 seconds? Adding the p.m. was a waste of electrons. I'm sure Maxi knew damn well that it wasn't early morning.

I'm sure the rest of the story was equally bad, but I didn't bother to read it. That's how bad it is.

Grow up some, get yourself a lover and learn about sex firsthand instead of relying on what you have read or saw while stroking out to porn. Study some English grammar. Then try again.

It's a one star. I did hate it.

Disappointed...............

After reading about the HUGE mansion with a go kart track, etc. I'm disappointed you didn't describe the guys with 12 inch cocks.

Listen don't give up

You need to slow the story down. It looks like you were on the brink of cumming and couldn't get the story out fast enough. All this detail happening I. You imagination make sure you can get it onto the paper so the rest of us can enjoy too.

An editor would help

If you're willing to let the editor suggest style changes as well as grammar fixes.