I was waiting on Ingrid learning her mistake and then I found out the only mistake is making too many assumptions. Next chapter is something like "investigative Ingrid" or "pregnant Pam". This one could get fun if you let it.
Okay, so they were both scum. It could have been more interesting with a little more depth. As far as revenge goes, often marriages are filled with "little revenges". For instance, what caused him to fuck Pam in the first place might have been Ingrid's moody behavior towards him throughout their marriage. It might be that he felt trapped in his marriage to Ingrid because of the kids. It might be that she was abusing him and cheating was his payback. I have seen people justify their bad behavior with another person's bad behavior. Two wrongs do not make a right, but they do make a motive and a good story!
But story read smoothly and there were only a few technical errors. I give this a 3.5. Score would be higher if Ben's character had been better developed (and also Pam's). As things stand, we have no idea why they cheated, as another reader pointed out. And that makes the story somewhat incomplete. Thanks for writing.
Of a lover tricking the other while still cheating. This hat trick only works a couple of times, otherwise it becomes fairly predictable.
As far as the 'dry' comment. It reads like a news report. "She was like this, she was like that, he was like this." Lots of tell, not a lot of show.
It was the only story I read today. Short, clearly written, but more like an analysis of an infidelity incident than one of emotion, at least until the scene in the hotel. THERE you started to show the anger...But even so, third person narration doesn't work as effectively as direct revelation.
"Someone would notice that the couples did not dance with each other."
How about:
"Ingrid tugged on her husbands arm. 'Dance with me', she pleaded. 'People are starting to notice.' He shrugged. 'Somehow this drink seems more important and a surer thing to me now.' he said, knocking back the tumbler of Johnny Walker Black in his tight grip. 'Maybe later.' But later never came."
External description is great, but not for establishing mood or emotion.
I know I am presumptuous to say these things. It is how I saw it.
I wonder if there is a double standard with the readers of this site.
The husband outsmarts his wife and gets away with cheating - clever story. The wife outsmarts her husband and gets away with cheating - cucky shit. Double standard? Hmmmmm.
If the roles were reversed,the 1 bombers,the btb crowd,the he man woman,haters club,all the usual suspects,would be frothing at the mouth at the horrible slut wife,how,she deserves aids,the poor husband who did what he did because he was hurt and angry...but since ole hubby did it,good show.Not surprising,sameold misogyny,boys will be boys and all that.
The reason there are not a lot more comments condemning the true bastards of the piece, is that anon comments are turned off, and a bulk of comments come from these people, myself included.
I actually did go to comment on this one yesterday, created it, got to submitting it, and saw that it was closed to anonies, so I didn't bother. I usually want to just leave my point and move on, not interested in the bitch-fights that ensue in the comments.
But I just saw your comment and had to reply, so you made me bother.
As for the story, my comment would have come right after swingerjills, and went something like this:
____________________________________
I saw the end coming a mile away, there was no surprise in this one for me.
I am one of the BTB crowd, and I hate cheaters, M or F.
The only good continuation of this story would be that their naive partners really found out the truth and burnt them down. Nothing else would be worth reading.
It was dry as toast as stories go, but that big old glob of strawberry jam at the end made it quite palatable. You've created quite a stir with the readers/critics. Some needed revenge and a divorce, some wanted reconciliation, and you confused them. In this case the badmouthing should be taken with pride.
I needed neither divorce nor reconciliation,what I wanted was to see all the btb crowd,the raac crowd,rip the husband a new asshole as they would a wife who did the same thing.Not all the negative types are anons,and few are ripling hubby.
Just when you think some guys are true blue, they fuck it up. Sometimes I hate being human, we are such a disappointment. Fuck them, a pox on both their houses, DICK HEADS.
So the characters were all shitty, not one decent protagonist to relate to. That is the way life is sometimes. There are plenty of people out there with no character, no real love for anyone but themselves. Even in their own self love, they are destructive.
English
Well crap!!
I was waiting on Ingrid learning her mistake and then I found out the only mistake is making too many assumptions. Next chapter is something like "investigative Ingrid" or "pregnant Pam". This one could get fun if you let it.
Thumbs up on thre outline and preliminary plot overlay
Can't wait for the actual story ! Ohhh...that is the 'complete ' story ? Sigh.
Water, please.
Man, that was dry. It would have made a great report.
More Detail
Okay, so they were both scum. It could have been more interesting with a little more depth. As far as revenge goes, often marriages are filled with "little revenges". For instance, what caused him to fuck Pam in the first place might have been Ingrid's moody behavior towards him throughout their marriage. It might be that he felt trapped in his marriage to Ingrid because of the kids. It might be that she was abusing him and cheating was his payback. I have seen people justify their bad behavior with another person's bad behavior. Two wrongs do not make a right, but they do make a motive and a good story!
Fairly predictable ending
But story read smoothly and there were only a few technical errors. I give this a 3.5. Score would be higher if Ben's character had been better developed (and also Pam's). As things stand, we have no idea why they cheated, as another reader pointed out. And that makes the story somewhat incomplete. Thanks for writing.
I believe you used this trope before
Of a lover tricking the other while still cheating. This hat trick only works a couple of times, otherwise it becomes fairly predictable.
As far as the 'dry' comment. It reads like a news report. "She was like this, she was like that, he was like this." Lots of tell, not a lot of show.
It was the only story I read today. Short, clearly written, but more like an analysis of an infidelity incident than one of emotion, at least until the scene in the hotel. THERE you started to show the anger...But even so, third person narration doesn't work as effectively as direct revelation.
"Someone would notice that the couples did not dance with each other."
How about:
"Ingrid tugged on her husbands arm. 'Dance with me', she pleaded. 'People are starting to notice.' He shrugged. 'Somehow this drink seems more important and a surer thing to me now.' he said, knocking back the tumbler of Johnny Walker Black in his tight grip. 'Maybe later.' But later never came."
External description is great, but not for establishing mood or emotion.
I know I am presumptuous to say these things. It is how I saw it.
Disappointing. Why stay with their partners if they desire each other so much?
It doesn't make sense, do they hate their spouses so much that they would cook up this bizarre scheme when a divorce us easy to obtain?
A double-twist!
I saw the first twist coming a mile away, but not the second one. Well done!
I'm with SJ.
The second twist jumped my score from 4 to 5.
Love the story
Great story. Xoxo annette
A cheaters story...but...
A cheaters story...but I have to admit this time, that is very well writen, funny and with an unexpected end...Very well done...
Enjoyed it
thanks for the offering.
*****
That was a humdinger! Good story line and excellent finish. I'm usually a BTB type, but this one had a great twist. Cheers!
What a clever set of cheaters
Excellent plot, well told, well written. Talk about learning from your mistakes & " benefitting " from them, a very clever twist. 5 *****
surprise! indeed.
imh, not your best writing but among the most clever. "Plots within Plots" and who says "cheaters never prospectus"?
I wonder if there is a double standard with the readers of this site.
The husband outsmarts his wife and gets away with cheating - clever story. The wife outsmarts her husband and gets away with cheating - cucky shit. Double standard? Hmmmmm.
agree with javmor
Double standard indeed.
Double standard indeed
If the roles were reversed,the 1 bombers,the btb crowd,the he man woman,haters club,all the usual suspects,would be frothing at the mouth at the horrible slut wife,how,she deserves aids,the poor husband who did what he did because he was hurt and angry...but since ole hubby did it,good show.Not surprising,sameold misogyny,boys will be boys and all that.
I disagree with you, Lauren.
The reason there are not a lot more comments condemning the true bastards of the piece, is that anon comments are turned off, and a bulk of comments come from these people, myself included.
I actually did go to comment on this one yesterday, created it, got to submitting it, and saw that it was closed to anonies, so I didn't bother. I usually want to just leave my point and move on, not interested in the bitch-fights that ensue in the comments.
But I just saw your comment and had to reply, so you made me bother.
As for the story, my comment would have come right after swingerjills, and went something like this:
____________________________________
I saw the end coming a mile away, there was no surprise in this one for me.
I am one of the BTB crowd, and I hate cheaters, M or F.
The only good continuation of this story would be that their naive partners really found out the truth and burnt them down. Nothing else would be worth reading.
Sorry, didn't like it much.
Laughing at the Comments
It was dry as toast as stories go, but that big old glob of strawberry jam at the end made it quite palatable. You've created quite a stir with the readers/critics. Some needed revenge and a divorce, some wanted reconciliation, and you confused them. In this case the badmouthing should be taken with pride.
@slowride
I needed neither divorce nor reconciliation,what I wanted was to see all the btb crowd,the raac crowd,rip the husband a new asshole as they would a wife who did the same thing.Not all the negative types are anons,and few are ripling hubby.
Got Me!
Never saw the ending coming. Well done
What a Dick
Just when you think some guys are true blue, they fuck it up. Sometimes I hate being human, we are such a disappointment. Fuck them, a pox on both their houses, DICK HEADS.
not to bad
I really enjoyed this story. I especially liked the ending.
Only 3 Stars
I'm sorry, I don't like cheaters, and in this case the supposed "victims" were the REAL cheaters!
And they got away with it!
Two Dopes and Two POS
So the characters were all shitty, not one decent protagonist to relate to. That is the way life is sometimes. There are plenty of people out there with no character, no real love for anyone but themselves. Even in their own self love, they are destructive.
Assholes!
I agree with KarenE.
Very well written and entertaining
But can't stand the characters.
You are a good writer because I don't like the characters here but really enjoyed your story nonetheless.
Click here to leave your own comment on this submission! or
Back to Impulsive Ingrid or
More submissions by imhapless.