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English
DO NOT
mix first person and second person. Becomes confusing and unnecessary. Third person or first person both work better. If you go back and rewrite this in one of those you will find the grammar works better and the story narrative flows more clearly. You seem to have some talent, do not waste it on mixed grammar problems.
A nice theme
Hello, rosemary, and welcome to Literotica. It is always good to have a new author aboard and your story had some good elements. Sadly, these were rather spoiled by sloppy presentation and wavering between persons.
It might be worth re-writing this as Anonymous suggested, but don't let that interfere with your writing more new stories for us. The only way to improve is to keep writing, and remember -- good writing is just bad writing rewritten!
Three stars and thank you for posting.
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