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Has merit, & shows promise, but.....
there are few times when you slipped from a third person to a first person. the story is a little sparse. I appreciate the brevity but the action and background needed better description. Stay away from purple prose but do give us an idea of how daddy tasted, or the joy of simply serving him vibrated through the heroine like the taught rubber band that's just been plucked. Describe just enough of these things so we can build a frame of reference.
Don't take the other poster's barbs to heart, but listen to the sounder words they are saying. Unless you explicitly state that this is a personal fantasy that like to have done/are doing don't use your screen name as the character's name, in femme or otherwise. It generates a problem with suspension of disbelief and sabotages the in story reality.
Mmmmmmm
Yummy.
yea
Hard
sexy
Also noticed the back and forth on pronouns, but you write very erotic stories. Tighten up on the distractions and keep writing.
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