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You really need an editor
There is so much that is wrong with this story, grammatically and otherwise. It could be very good, but as it is currently written, it just isn't. Too many things are confusing, such as why wasn't she blindfolded when the butler and stylist took her from the bathroom? She's not supposed to learn the layout of the house, right? Also, the part where Elio jumps up and grabs her is too jumbled. Then, after he punished her, why let her call the shots for breakfast, as if he's courting a princess, versus breaking a slave? Don't stop writing, but get an editor, please, to go over what is already written and help you sort it into something better than this...I'm sure you can do much better, as it certainly has the potential to be a great story.
Too choppy
Good story, but for the love of jack Daniels, get an editor! My head hurt after reading this mess.
Like the story!!!But..!
The premise of the store is good and i like the characters. However, it feels like most of the time I cant tell which one of them is speaking, especially in dialogues, scenes are choppy and change too quickly. I think you need to work on rapport between characters because Elio seems a bit too inconsistent and all over the place. If he can be more consistent within the scene, because now he seems kind of frazzled. He hasn't established his dominance at all, he contradicts himself with his actions Basically the descriptions and transitions are a bit of choppy and disorienting but that is corrected with more proof reading and edtor! .Good Luck!!:) Looking forward to reading the rest!
I would be willing to help you out.
I don't exactly have a lot of background in editing, but I'd be glad to be a beta reader for you to suggest some changes to make your characters more consistent. I think that this can definitely become a great story with a bit of help, and I would be glad to try. I can also try to help you with some of your grammatical errors and choppy dialogue to make it flow better. If you're interested at all, just email me, and I'll be glad to help you out! I really do enjoy your story, so do keep writing!
Please
Before I say anyrhing else, I LOVE what this story could become. You have a good idea. With that being said, please take the other commenter up on their offer because I agree with what everyone has said so far
Potential Great
Hey. From one starting out author to another, there's a lot of ground work for a really complete and amazing story. One thing I would say though, that I ran into, that readers want a good combo of story and kinky funtime ;) Your characters are really sound, and I get wait to see them get down and dirty. I really like the forced-slave stories, and take your time with the submission/rebellion fight that goes on outside, and inside Ami.
Keep going! We want more.
And read my stuff too :3
Good!!!
I could see a difference between this and the last story! You are developing as your story is!! Great job! Keep it up!
Elio and who's Jeff?
Elio, I like him I understand what your doing or could be doing with his character. Did he have slaves like her before?
And I was really confused when I think you did a flash back with Jeff?? It was so un clear .
You need to work on how you show you dialog.
But I very amused and would love to see the end of this story. I think I'm starting to really like this website. THANK YOU FOR YOUR BEAUTIFUL-STORY-IN-THE-WORKS!!!
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