Power of Suggestion

This is disgusting writing. What a turn-off. Good plot idea, terrible execution.

make up your mind

First or third person writing?
Get a grammar and spellcheck...the idea was good, but really poor execution

Solution

Get an editor!

Get an editor, obviously.

Expand on it more. You gloss over the best parts. The details are lacking too, like descriptions instead of cold mechanics of what happened.

Also, what happened that made the guy hate the girl, or at least treat her this way? All the "bitch" and force, when it could have been more gradual and subliminal. There was no real resistance, she just submits. Taking ass too quickly. No consideration of taking her virginity. Also, no real lead up to her submitting. I get the need to cum but this just screams 'giving it away' at how quickly and with such little resistance.

Good concept but terrible execution.

They're right

Your commenters are right. You really need to rework and rewrite this. A good plot but sort of skimps in places.
Don't give up. Go back reread, rework and re-post. With a little effort this could be a great series.

Seriously?

Your writing is like a spastic frog jumping back and forth. You are in serious need of a good proofreader and editor.

a good story

ok it actually sounds like English may not be your first or primary language. As others have said, it is a good effort. This story could have been several pages at least. Even several chapters with much slower progression. I was just starting to be able to ignore the 1st and 3rd person jumps and it was over. Follow the advice posted in the comments and improve with your next post.

One Star Rating

Please stop writing. Thank you.

It was really difficult for me to grasp the story due to the sheer number of spelling and grammar mistakes alone. My advice is to use an editor in your future stories.

terrible

Atrocious english my good fellow

It definitely needs some work. Lot's of spelling and grammar mistakes. You also kept switching between talking as Jason and talking about Jason.

They used to be friends?

This could definately use some editing. Both for grammar and for content.

From the way he treated her, it sounds like there was no friendship left. The story states that they drifted apart but he seemed to hate her. I agree with the other comment that this could have built up more slowly. The way it happened, she KNEW he was manipulating her somehow. Whats to stop her from letting her parents know? A quick check of the room would find the video feed and it is off to prison for him.

Instead, he could have gotten her to the same point gradually and made her think it was her own idea. At least if his goal was to dominate her and not just to punish her.

But hey, once a guy sees your Virginia, its hard to respect you.

Thanks for sharing. It is more than most of us do.

Please, for the love of all that is sexy, get an editor

this story had a great premise, but so many errors I could only skim it and see where it went. If English isn't your first language I will give you some props for trying, but right now it looks like an angry teenager who hates women scribbled this out while drunk.

Please edit this story and repost it. I would love to read the fixed version.