While i realize this is an account of something that happened between you and a sub (i read it on fet when you posted it there...), this is in need of editing. You are now posting it to a literary site. i suspect the way it is written here will garner low ratings from your readers, as is appropriate. There are several places where you could give it more depth using descriptive phrases, and others where simple formatting would not only make it more interesting of a read but also make it appear a little longer.
Besides that, i think what you have here is a good start. Should you choose to take the advice i've offered, it is easy to replace the existing story with an edited version. Well wishes on your literary endeavors.
English
Needs editing
While i realize this is an account of something that happened between you and a sub (i read it on fet when you posted it there...), this is in need of editing. You are now posting it to a literary site. i suspect the way it is written here will garner low ratings from your readers, as is appropriate. There are several places where you could give it more depth using descriptive phrases, and others where simple formatting would not only make it more interesting of a read but also make it appear a little longer.
Besides that, i think what you have here is a good start. Should you choose to take the advice i've offered, it is easy to replace the existing story with an edited version. Well wishes on your literary endeavors.
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