Jason Jarvits

Decent 1st attempt

Read pretty much like an outline. Would've liked to have seen characters fleshed out because they were pretty one dimensional (especially the two women) That made the story pretty unbelievable.

Good luck on your next story.

This Sucked.

What a sac-less dweeb.Husband catches his wife cheating on him,and he basically punishes her by fucking her? Uh-huh....I REALLY don't think getting fucked was her problem. Fucking OTHERS was her problem. Print this cuck shit somewhere else. -BGunns

Needs Work

This was... clunky. Your sentences were... clunky. The structure was... clunky.

Someone once said that the first draft of a story is always shit. I got the feeling I was reading a first draft.

where is revenge ?

this is wimp story 1*

Room for Improvement

Your characters are silly and you can't construct a sentence. The only way is up.

seems unfinished

As has been said before this reads like a first draft rather than a finished work.
The characters are undeveloped, not much reason to care about them.

24 years together or not you didn't convince me that his flip-flopping on what to do was a viable option. He didn't have the heart to kick her out but did have the heart to fuck in front if her? There is much that doesn't make sense here.

These two lines were quite funny!

" I then took a glob of lube and worked her ass. I then slipped my cock in and proceeded to pound the shit out of her." The visual for that one is not erotic!

what a crock of shit

i got my glock out and told him to fuck her again as I wanted to watch and join in."Here Drew can you hold this glock while I have a wank. oh by the way dont let your slimy finger slip and shoot me, you would be doing us all a favour."
not erotic not realistic just nothing. but hey thanks for posting it.

there was something esle funny anon

"harsh revenge", that was so funny I'm laughing my ass off. (2)

it was an hard, but funny revenge...

It was an hard revenge, but also funny...I hope his wife has learned the lesson...The other cheater has...

Not to sure Drew is going to get an erection

Not with him pointing a gun at him. There are so many holes in this mess I don't know where to start. It wasn't any good as a BTB story since he didn't divorce her. It wasn't any good as an erotic, jerk off story since your descriptions of the sex were boring at best. Given that every character in this mess was thoroughly unlikeable the story was neither interesting or entertaining. In the end, I didn't care what happened to any of them. This was simply a waste of time to read. No stars.

Lame...

..and with a juvenile mentality!!!

2*s

Lack of development of your characters. You describe emotional reactions without the reader getting pulled into the story. The shortcuts you took really hurt the story's effects. I wasn't connected to the husband's reactions. It was like a Stepford Robot family.

Checkout the writing of some others here like Huedog, Ohio, etc You might hate or love their characters. But either way you definitely feel something.
Good luck JJ.


AMerryMan

weak...

doesnt work

Gawd

Go away fool.

DUH

This story was total trash.

A development in the works

Your story is rough around the edges and needs further development. See if someone online will read your next story and act as an editor. I salute your attempt and hope your next project is a success as you hone your literary skills.

Author will not accept feedback so I'll send it to him this way.

JJ - Heed SOME of the public comments. I don't know how much time you spent on this story, but for your next story, spend the time necessary to get a good idea re your full story and re what your characters are really like. Then put it together, put it aside, and then come back to it to decide what, if anything, you need to change. Then give it to an editor/proofreader.
Keep working at it - we need more LW authors who can score better and tell good stories.

Kind of thin on plot and character substance

A good plot overall, but would enjoy more explanation. A year of cheating implies a significant relationship and commitment. If he had no clue after a year of cheating then how can he be sure she stopped? Mailman, UPS driver, grocer, lawn boy, meter reader, so many opportunities. He had a loving wife, and now he has a talented cheating slut. And that's better? Time to reboot.

You need:1) an editor; 2) better sentence flow; 3) character development; 4) common sense

The last one so that you realize that you dump a cheater, not keep her.

Maybe not by some standards, but this story.....

....came off crude and indifferent.
It reads a little like the evening news.....lots of bad narrative and poor dialog, unlikely behavior, all from plastic characters we cannot care about, because we know nothing personal about them.
Finally, get editorial help and work your story over like your hero did his slut wife before submitting another one. If you've got something to say, at least have enough self respect to put the effort into it to say it well.

Thanks***

For the read.

DID THE PUNISHMENT FIT THE CRIME

who knows for sure...probably not. TK U MLJ LV NV

the only one who learned anything was Kristy

she was at least smart enough, and had enough self respect, to move on.

WTH?

If he had no reason to suspect anything why drop back and follow her? What was this fit young man doing while jj opened the gun safe? How could Drew not know he had call his wife when he took the phone.
I love retribution stories but this was a waste of time.

Well

I didn't totally like the idea of revenge fucks. They don't work if you're trying to save a marriage. However in fiction where anything is possible this is better than many other scenarios. No wimps here.

trouble with that too

Revenge fucks are not for reconciliation but should best be reserved for part of the nuclear option.
In other words when you have already decided that there is no saving it and you want them to get their share of the suffering.

woops

Would have been a four but I didn't cars for your weak reason for keeping the piece of shit.

Thanks

To all of you who posted that it sucked and gave a good reason, thanks for you input. I have submitted a new story and it is much longer with I hope is better character development. I have taken much more time to proof read that as well.

To all the anonymous posters who called the story trash or said it sucked but gave NO constructive criticism, please don't bother. If you did not like the story, that is OK but please say why. Lack of character development or hard to follow is OK. It tells me and others where to improve. Constructive
Criticism is always appreciated, insults not so much.

JJ