All Comments on 'Awakening'

Boy, have you set yourself up for a major challenge. good luck with it. I'm fascinated with the plot, and actually find the lengthy sex scenes distracting. My advice is to write it up as a serious sci-fi novella. Discard the emphasis on erotica, but leave the sex in, just shorten the scenes and heighten the already well-done emphasis on the characters' emotions and experience in the sex scenes.

Jumping the POV from major character to major character is a powerful structuring mechanism, but its extremely difficult to get right. You have to manage the jumps between POVs a little better. There needs to be a little more closure in most episodes before the cut away to the next POV.

All in all, I loved it, and am looking forward to the continuation. I rated it "5". But its on the precipice of a "4", and you need to sharpen it up a bit (see below) to get a "5" on the next episode from me, anyway. Heh.

Secondary comments/observations/quibbles

"Benjamin Stark" is slightly resonant of Randall Flagg, "the Walking Dude", from Stephen King's "The Stand" - that's probably a net plus.

...However the name "Stark" is unfortnate since it brings to mind to me a one-eyed character with an extravagant eye-cover apparatus called Stark from a distinctly unmemorable sci-fi TV show from the late 80's? 90's? A completely jarring association, which is probably uniquely my problem.

You have a character using the expression "woot" in the story. Wikipedia indicates the term arose in the internet era, probably early 90's, was probably first used in IRC chat, and is correctly spelled with two zeros: "w00t". Since the story opens in 1982 when the character uses the word, it it out of context, assuming Wikipedia has it right.

Similarly, you have Stark using archaic forms like "lass" when addressing the Jules character, and then using bedroom language with her that is modern; this rings a little false. I'd suggest modifying his speech to make it completely anodyne, or going full-bore and making him a 17th or 18th century Scot with full accent and usages.

Thank you very much for you feedback. It is exactly what I am looking for as I want to improve my writing style to make it as palatable for all audiences as possible. I have read quite a few King Novels, but I never read the "Walking Dude" character before. Though I did watch "The Stand" when the mini-series came out. I Never intended him to be similar to any other character but the one I have in my head...but Lord knows what influences are at work as I have read thousands of books in my lifetime. The name (oddly, naming my characters is one of the hardest things for me) is only a play on my own handle that I have used from as far back as the very first "Diablo" computer game...ha.

Just a few responses here. I am toying with the Sci-fi idea and will probably do that exactly. This was just an easy outlet to use..and as such I didn't want to disappoint those readers who like the heavy sex scenes...and of course I admit I like playing with that (pun intended..lol) myself. However, I intend to use some of the world I create here in future projects. As you are probably aware, it is important that the "rules of magic/sci-fi" are consistent throughout a work if you want to breath some believability into your creation.

POV. I am glad you responded to this because I noticed the same thing myself and am trying to remedy this very thing. A big influence on me is Robert Jordan and his Wheel of Time series. He had a knack for this type of writing style and I loved it. I like the idea of a reader getting a taste of how a character feels or thinks. Jordan was a master though, and he did it in chapters. I noticed I do jump around to much from paragraph to paragraph... and I can see how that might detract from the story being told. I will work on that.

Part of the Benjamin Stark characters nuances are influenced by the idea that he is really a man outside of time. He is and yet is not a 17th century creature. He is and is not of the present and the future. I have yet to fully flesh him out, though I know what I want to do with him. I was trying to make his mannerisms/speech reflect that...but that is not easy and possibly not doable in a meaningful way. Giving him a more concrete mannerism may be best as you suggest. I will certainly toy with that idea.

Good catch on the "woot" by the way... lol. I should have taken that out as you are correct.

If you should happen to read this (wish I could have sent you something directly) feel free to continue on the feedback. It will probably be a few months for the next installment and I would love any input on it. Thanks!!

Nice red, however a bit too long! Lots of loose ends t tie uo so at least a couple more entries for this one. :-)

Yes, it is long..and there are loose ends because of it. That is why I put it in this category. :) It will be a lengthy piece...and probably along the lines of a Trilogy as Tolkien was one of my favorite authors. It very well will become more of a fantasy/sci-fi novel than an erotica story. If it does I may move it...or even try and publish it as an online novel... but I like the idea of people giving me feedback so I can edit it myself...as I am just "poor folk" with no traditional schooling in creative writing. Thanks for the feedback!

Sk, I am glad I convinced myself to read the first portion of your novella "Awakenings". I enjoyed this style of writing and admire how well you have imagineered and are developing your characters.

I sincerely disagree with the opinions of those who would advise you to alter your vision of how this storyline is developing. Do not allow yourself to be pedanticsized into second guessing your work.

Butt then I am notorious for my contempt for the dead religion of Academic English. As a first-class sadistic bastard I enjoy tormenting my readers.

The appeal for my writing is very limited, usually people who enjoy word games and bad puns. I have no desire to seek out popularity or official approval.

'Woot!' as an exclamation, fuck, cunt, cock, prick, etc'; all have been in use a very long time. Cause lets face, Insert tab A into Slot B is what everyone is meaning.

I have heard people use the terms 'lass and lad' within the last few years, talking about their younger kinfolk. (west of the Atlantic).

I look forward to exciting adventures ahead in this saga of spectral sex.

Thank you for your feedback...I truly appreciate it. All critique is worth revisiting in my opinion as it is necessary to grow as a writer. That is why good editors are such a boon to a writer. Now having said that it does not mean I will (or should) change my style...but I can refine it. As you allude to though...there is no way to please everybody all of the time. The fact that it is a lengthy first piece will probably turn a lot of people away. That can not be helped and frankly I am okay with that as it is this type of feedback that I am after anyway. I appreciate your time and hope to keep you as a reader in the future....Thanks!

i didn't like the switch in jules,she goes from being a strong woman to being a submissive because the dick played on her family history. then you completely leave us with a hanger about may and say it might be months before we see an update. so not cool to destroy a person or leave things open like that .

Thank you for your feedback, unfortunately Redlion, I probably won't be able to please you, but I am sorry that I left it as a cliffhanger... you are probably right, I should not have done that. Part of the reason I did though was so that people like you would motivate me sooner than later to get on with this story as it has been sitting neglected for far to long. So, I make you this promise... it will be weeks instead of months for the next installment! :) As far as Jules and all the characters go... they are evolving and are far from there ultimate carnation yet.

Thanks again for "pushing" me to finish this... the fact that it upsets you is encouraging because at least it brought out some emotion, even if it was negative. :)

I enjoyed this piece, is there an update?

The author's stated goal of writing a fantasy/adventure story succeeds admirably in Awakening, and the plot holds the attention of the reader throughout. This is a most enjoyable story, although the erotic element is rather limited and episodic. Five stars.

No update yet...Me think this author is nolonger with us on this forum...

So sad, cause this my far is the most erotic fantasy story i ever read normally I don't read much erotic stories(esp the scenes) i used to skip most of the scenes, but not this one....5stars

This is a bizarre story, it meanders around with no conclusion or even a plotline, leaving us with May potentially either in trouble or enjoying a series of great orgasms. Leaving an unfinished story on a potential cliffhanger is a cardinal sin in my book, either finish or ask for it to be taken down, as it is it just suckers people in to what is in effect a literary dead end. 3⭐️