Claim It! Pt. 05

After the big lead up ---

This is how you end it? Very short and unsatisfying, a disappointment.

Damn...

... I was expecting a little more than that! You call this the last chapter in your short story but there are way too many unanswered questions to call this interlude complete! What of Donna? Why find she so readily start fucking Mark? Did she know him from another life? Not too many women just jump into bed with the guy that shows you nasty pictures of your spouse. What was Mark into? It seems you are leaving this for future in-this-universe tales; however, Don seems to know something now that he has popped the laptop. It's just not being shared with us. The declaration of love shed came out of nowhere. How does that get resolved? Why the hit? Nothing on the laptop about that. Don's life must still be in some kind of danger? Tell us there are some wrap up elements coming please!

You dragged it on and on and give us that extremely disappointing end, to that end why did you separate this from the previous chapter? there was no need.

Well, I liked it

because of the fact that the husband didn't take any crap from the stupid bitch wife. He also didn't kill her when maybe he should have. I had a feeling that he was more in the service that anyone knew so I liked that. Well written, a little vague at times and some times the flow was a little off but I don't think his anger was out of line at all. Also, in psyops he was probably a ranking officer, so when this Lt. started to run the game he gave him a dressing down. I am surprised that the friend of his who was a Sgt. Major who they call Top which I thought was what they called 1st Sgt, didn't recognize his rank having known him so long.

Looking forward to more with some of these characters.

good choice

...not to let us rate this.
God, you really fizzled out with the ending. I don't need a story to be tied up in a neat bow at the end, but you didn't even bother with the wrapping paper.
Very, very disappointing.

Wait

Here are a few questions.

She needs to be married for 5 years to get her inheritance. How is that stopped? Additionally, how is she stopping her husband from getting his million?

Who the fuck goes to Kazakhstan if they have money and they want to get away? Hell, for $50 I can probably get you killed there. Germany would be a better option.

Observation: it is cheap to have Dr. Claw in the background without revealing a damned thing about this person. He never meaningfully impacted the story. His motives are unexplained. What did he bring except an excuse to continue a story line?

Observation two: Oh...fake pictures. Are we shown the pictures? Are we told about the illegal stuff? Do we know how Mark met Donna? What has Donna lost? Even if Mark is a criminal, she still walks away with 4 million dollars.

You established this point and never thought of the implications of it. Nor addressed it again. Chekov's unshot gun.

And now Don is a fugitive from justice, Mark being a criminal does not excuse his being shot in the eyes of the law. Unless Hughes et al just make the pair 'vanish'.

This read like a Mack Bolan novel but without the support, character development or description.

It is also a new story so keep working. You may have promise.

A waste of time.

Obviously the idiots will love it; but honestly, it was full of holes. Donna accuses her husband and best friend, who hate each other, of having an affair without either of them corroborating it. Then we find out the husband is the army equivalent of a Navy Seal. Again. For the record, this hackneyed plot device has been worked to death. Now. Who in their right mind goes to Kazakhstan? Can you even fly there? Why not Puerto Rico, the Czech Republic or even Mexico? Why Kazakhstan?

Like I said, too many holes to list but ultimately, this story made no sense and even less eroticism.

Well

It seems that I was right on a couple of points. I knew Don was some type of warrior out there. He knew too much about the situation to think he was just a civilian. The wife didn't fuck Mark until the end, so she wasn't cheating. The Rhodes "I love you" was surprising, but somewhat expected. Now, here's my problem. You left the ending wide open, which means to me that you will somehow keep this storyline going throughout all of your future tails. Wait, you did say that, didn't you?
Oh well, we see how the future tales play out.

Thanks for the effort.

story

so he finally found his cheating wife and proved to her that he hadn't cheated on her. but the story left alot of open questions here. hope you can continue the story

A Pleasure to Read

Looking forward to future stories about Don and Wanda. I admit that there are a lot of unresolved questions,but that is the way of series stories.

This story reminds me of the Gray Lensman and other Doctor E.E. Smith stories. There was always a bigger threat hidden behind the absolute battle that they had just fought.

I wonder if the psych evaluation was faked also.

The story must continue

One hell of a ride so far. The type and number of professionals hired wasn't consistent with $5M on the table. Don and Hughes will not rest with the unanswered questions on the table. 5 people dead is too much to swallow. The big boss will go down.

I agree with @Whackdoodle...

I agree with @Whackdoodle...This was a dense story since the begining, and the writer ended it in a short page!!! Clear some of the misteries, but the main mistery remained unsolved: What was the mistery organization after? The key isn't the money, but Don...And Don was the main character of this story...

Well...

I don't have a problem with a "James Bond" story line as long as I as a reader go into it knowing that is what I'm reading, and that is what this "introduction" does. So we have a "James Bond" story about a cheating wife tricked into betraying her husband.

Here is my problem. The story is driven by three relationships. Don's relationships with Pete, Wanda and Donna. The story is ended with none of these relationships resolved. Don and Pete (his surrogate father) are still estranged. Don and Wanda have no resolution at all. Don and Donna (btw, its usually a mistake to have major characters with names so similar in a story) have less conversation after he "proves" his innocence then I would with my dog if I was leaving him in a kennel for the weekend. Five years of love betrayed and relationship ended are not resolved with more nonchalance then I would show a bus driver at the end of my ride on his bus.

While the spy/black ops/James Bond stuff was fun, the emotional investment for the story was not the James Bond stuff. The lack of resolution about all the things that did matter to the emotions of the reader left the story very...well unsatisfying to say the least.

Lastly (and least importantly), the "James Bond" story line was left unresolved as well. I don't mean the "Doctor Evil" antagonist in the background, that was fine. I mean that if Don could find out and resolve the "who done it" in such a short time then Wanda's team ought to have been able to as well. The fact that nobody went in and tapped this fella with a hammer to his knee in order to "resolve" the situation except Done seems very weak. Without some kind of dialog indicating that Wanda's team was trying to trace the situation up the food chain and that they were going to continue to follow the trail, the "James Bond" story line is also left flat and unsatisfying.

So over all low marks on the last chapter. That being said, you did do a good job with what did get written. The gun fights were exciting, the fact that Don was special ops explains his intolerance to Wanda's team and their treatment of him (though a real player would have used them and their treatment in a clever way instead of just bridling at said treatment). As introductions go this wasn't to bad. It would have been better to list it as an intro after the title so people would have expectations of the start of a series (i.e. Don's behavior would have been more tolerable to the reader). Overall you did pretty good for a first time effort for most of this story.

The ending failed but keep writing. Improve. I would read one more in this series to see if any of the problems in this final chapter were resolved.

Thank you for the effort.

Open story not a problem..

for me. Only problem for me was why the pysc ops special forces hero was such a dickhead for the first two chapters.

Liked the story

Overall, I liked the story and the characters. However, it ended a bit too abruptly for me with unanswered questions.

Why was Don such a...well...Marvin Milktoast until well after Hughes and his team become involved? No indication earlier of the "skills" he used in the last two chapters. You knew he was into more than just construction when he offed the two killers in the trailer but there was never any explanation until the end of the story.

Story begs for more. Thanks for the effort.

Woodmanone

unsatisfying to say the least

After such a good build up this ending was just pathetic. Far to many issues not even remotely resolved nor answered.

Reminds me of

a John Grisham story, good beginnings, good plot, but its like he says to the reader, "I am tired of writing this story" and he walks away.

There were a lot of questions that needed answering.

OOO.KKK.!!!

Over all, this was a good story and well written. Sadly, from chapter 3 through to the end it seemed to wander from L.W. to Seal Teams inc. Although you did bring some things together. You also created more questions than answers. The two big questions I have; How did the wife's boyfriend figure too get ahold of her monies so quickly? Seeing as there was a five year marriage stipulation to begin with. And who was he? Hummmm....... Will be looking for more to this story soon.....

This chapter offered very little.

He went to their house, they rolled over, and he's okay now. There was no tension and no satisfaction. The story didn't end, it just petered out.

Wrap it up!

The lawyer is the bad guy. if nobody is fit to claim the inheritance I am sure the executor has a clause to take control of everything. personally I am wondering how much money is at stake. it would be ironic if Donna was killed in jail and Don inherited her share because she died before they divorced. Good Story but it is time to finish it.

Great

This would make a good premise for a movie.

THIS I WHY I READ COMMENTS

The author of this story has commented quite a few times on the reason why he has done what he has done . I liked the story and know that there will be many more chapters about Don and the why . The author also commented on that . So give it some time and if he doesn't follow up on it . Someone can always contact the author that finishes stories that other authors have abandoned and i'm sure he will do a excellent job . But i really don't believe that will have to happen in this case . I only hope while this story is still fresh in my mind he doesn't take to long .

pretty good...

it is a good story, hope it continues! lots of room to continue on.
as far as some other comments I've read; don was not a "milktoast", he was biding his time and waiting for something to happen he could react to, he even went to confront the best friend of his wife, thinking she was involved. as far as McCullah rolling over so easily, he was weak, a minor player and not integral to the story line, merely a tool of the man in the office. I am looking forward to further chapters.

Ugh!

So much potential only to stop (notice I didn't say end) with a fizzle. Wife is a charicature, Don is too much a whiny, impulsive ads to be psy-ops, and the relationship with Rhodes is completely forced. Shame to waste such talent.

In those immortal words of Willie Shakes...

... "Much ado about nothing".

The problem with this story continuing is that the writing and the general story line is getting continually worse and worse. Flimsy characters, unbelievable "convenient" plot twists, JLR not tracking names of his own characters, and moments of a rushed plot are just a few examples of that. I knew chapters ago that McCullah wasn't "Mr. Big" but I'm not sure I want to wade through the messy writing to see who and why. If it's going to be an over-extended story, please take your time and write it well.

WHEN/AFTER THE ALPHABETS TAKE OVER

could it ever be really over. TK U MLJ LV NV still no voting stars

Two-Dimensional

The characters didn't have sufficient depth to be interesting. Don was simply childish-carrying a gun doesn't make you a man, often, as in this last chapter, it can make you do something really stupid. Wanda's assessment of him was accurate so why she fell in love with him was a mystery. As the story went on I sympathized with his ex more and more. Her cries of contrition at the end were totally unbelievable-he simply didn't deserve her.

fizzled

Just like many of our best liked tv shows in the end (example; last season of Dexter), the writer gave up on the story. Thoughts had already moved on to something else. Liked it until that point.

Potential, but have to agree with FD45

Of all of the comments, I agree with FD45 the most. He hit the nail on the head. Story could have been a really good story. Definitely had a good pace going until this last chapter. There are just too many loose ends for this to be considered a really good story.

I also agree with him that this author shows more promise than about 75% of the authors in this genre. I think the biggest disappointment of this story is that the author has such promise. He could have written a two dimensional piece about a whiny, narcissistic wife who simply cheats on her perfect husband because she secretly wants to try a bigger dick. These stories require no character development because the entire plot is shallow. This author chose to dive into a story that had depth. Such a story requires more character development and a fleshed out ending.

I for one will read more stories from this author if he choses to write again. As a fairly new author who is rough around the edges myself, I can appreciate a good eye for an entertaining tale that is beyond the 2 dimensional stories currently plaguing this site and receiving high ratings.

Next 'Don?'

Not a lot of 'erotica' overall. However ... my main quibble is that there are (at least) THREE 'Don' personas in this tale*. The Chief Builder guy, the Jilted Asshole Guy, and the Super Psy Secret Operative guy. What next? The guy from Krypton (complete with cape and X-ray vision and bulletproof skin?) The more resources disclosed as Hubby-attributes, the less tension and interest the story carries!

* It is not so much that Hubby has several layers, it IS that he does things at the Clueless level that a SPSO would NOT allow his Clueless level to do. The same at the the Asshole level.

even if it continues

This ending was incomplete,Don and Donna don't resolve their situation and Donna,at the end is blaming mark,not herself...there needed to be some closure there, no one breaks with someone they love that easily..plus we know nothing of Donna and why she lied about her inheritance..

Hmmmm...

You need to decide what you're writing. Are you writing a spec ops military story with a romantic side story or a loving wives story. I agree with HDK you let this one fizzle away at the end. I might read your next.

And ... it's a dud!

I love you, geez, what a lame brain thing for a woman who is supposed to be so hurt. It'd take more time for Don to break through. You lost reams of good material having her slowly breakdown her barriers and his as well.
You replaced the Don of 1-2 with a different character, where's all the whining? With his training, you make him afraid of 2 assassins?
You've got fun ideas but let your imagination run rampant to the point your story is unbelievable.
Oh, ‘Deigning to reply’ doesn't mean what you think: Google it: “to do something that one considers to be beneath one's dignity. Example: “she did not deign to answer the maid's question" You either left off the Not or thought it meant he didn’t do it.
I actually liked this chapter the best, without the inconsistent characters from the prior chapters, it'd be fine. However, with your huge build up, it became unsatisfactory. Too bad.

"I Love You"

Out of character. Stifling to the story. Off-putting for the reader. A mistake.

but..... you wrote and contributed (posted) a story.

until we do we may comment as observers not participants of various qualities of entertainment. Appreciate the time and effort to bring us something to read.

The entertainment is almost limitless here at less than tips to servers, valet and motel staff cost for a busy month. For you cheap tippers... what your wife tips for a year.
Oh wait... this is the free site, never mind.

For you arm chair (or office chair at your PC) anonymous critics. Get a life.

Thanks for sharing RLRemora2, look forward to more from you on Lit.

x

I'll buy it!

The wife got away with what she did. He should have shot her.

like i said back in chapter 1

There was no place for the story to go

Liked it.....

Great story. I liked the plot and the characters were very well rounded. I hope we get more as to the why, soon? Can't wait for the follow-up. Thanks.

look forward to more from you.

Good in parts

I thought the last part did not life up to the expectation created by the first 4. Remember Donna was the victim of a criminal con man. Isn't her husband supposed to rescue her from people like that? Why did she believe Mark in the first place?

The last chapter sucked.

With all the build up of revenge in the earlier chapter this chapter end with a whimper spoiling the story. All he did was shoot Mark once in the leg and then proved his wife was fucked over by Mark and then he left. This was a poor ended to a story that struggled along with to many hidden identities. To bad because this could have been a great story. In the end I was left feeling that is was just an OK story. It seemed the story was more about the different branches of "special forces" and only a little about the characters and general plot of the story.

' The evidence might be on here, but it requires a hard drive password and probably an OS password. I can crack both......" Oh, bullshit! Ever notice how every veteran in Literotica stories, was in some sort of Special Ops? Just once, I would like to see a story where the protagonist was a former Supply Clerk or a SeeBee.

Must be some flaw in elite military training in the Literotica universe...

Such a high percentage of them come out unable to choose a partner worthy of them.

Good Read****

Fun series very enjoyable looking forward to furture chapters. Thanks for sharing.

Swiss Cheese

...has fewer holes than the plot in this story.

We need FTDS to work his magic on this one

Too many loose ends. I liked the series but not the ending (ditto what HDK said).

That was very annoying

If you are going to say the final chapter will give us answers

Claim It!

Full Marks

Full marks for writing, it must take a lot of time and effort to write this many chapters and thanks for doing so, after all is said and done we read here for free. But I found it an anti-climax. At the beginning Don is just an ordinary guy running his construction business, his wife falsely accuses him of infidelity. He becomes very concerned about being followed and is then helped by trained specialists. In chapter 5 it's revealed he is something of a specialist himself, so why did he need these other people. He could have ambushed those following him and made them talk also hired a P.I. to find his wife and do what he did in chapter 5, the middle chapters were superfluous to the story, maybe there is another chapter for further explanation but still he did not need the others. I mean no disrespect JLRemora2, it's just honest criticism and thanks.