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Click herethese words
rhythms
lines
an
lies
come to thee
on differed tides
where thou art from I scarcely know
But I shall master where they go
- COMMENTS
wytewulfalmost 10 years agoAuthorI firmly believe that one should never be sorry for their opinion. I do feel that my jovial flippancy, in my own comment, does seem abrasive if not completely defensive and for that I am sorry. Thank you both for taking the time in helping me to work out the flaws in my piece.
May fortune smile upon you both
Trixareforkidsalmost 10 years agoSorry but it doesn't work for me either. It's the thou. It seems to be addressed to another person, not the words and throws the whole thing out of whack.
Putting your original version told me you were speaking about the words themselves not a person speaking the words. Which I did not at all get from the way you rewrote it. It doesn't come off as you seemed to want it to.
wytewulfalmost 10 years agoAuthorInterestingly enough when I wrote this it was first person; more a thinking out loud piece that speaking to an audience, however the simple change of wording changes that.
These words, lyrics, lines and lies
come to me on different tides
where they are from I scarcely know
but I shall master where they go
That was the first version. now the one posted here.
These words, lyrics, lines and lies
come to thee on differed tides
where thou are from I scarcely know
but I shall master where they go.
With the word changes, the piece goes from being a first person "all about me" to a subjective " about us" piece and eliminates the need for "you". And while it may sound "mock poetic or pretentious" the Bard used the similar devices to great effect. Be glad I didn't go completely old English, complete with iambic pentameter or try to in ;some failed attempt to sound deep but horrid end results, add "th" to the last word of every line which are filled with over two syllable words that make no sense nor have any flow :P.
Cleardaynowalmost 10 years agoI think that this is nearly a very nice poem. But.
The following is just my opinion.
The use of ‘thee’, ‘thou’ and ‘art’ as opposed to ‘you’ & ‘are’ adds nothing and makes it sound mock poetic and pretentious. The ‘an’ in the fourth line is presumably ‘and’, ‘differed’ is presumably meant to be ‘different’ (as a variant, ‘differed’ again adds nothing) and the ‘thou’ only seems to makes sense as ‘they’.
The result is then:
these words
rhythms
lines
and
lies
come to you
on different tides
where they are from I scarcely know
But I shall master where they go
Like I said, I do think you have a good poem there with nice ideas, flow and progression - which I like a lot. And, as I also said, just my opinion.
