Damn Neighbors

it may be more a male interpretation on this one Lesse, that he wanted to get the hell out of there described for me his feelings toward the situation in 9 words. it didn't need expansion I nodded my head and thought I hear you brother.

Your opinions mean a lot to me and your insights and suggestions are ALWAYS appreciated - Thanks

Lesse - you always want me to stay with my feelings - yep, great advice

Todski - Absoluteley right - first line is almost sing-song, Unnecessary.

Cleardaynow - thanks for the comments, and the practical lesson. Believe it or not her name is Helen. Honest. My lady calls her Estelle - old fashioned name that fits.

I'm not as much a fan of this as your others. It feels...too short story-y and not... in a good way. Maybe instead of making the piece about what happened, instead about the feelings you were left with, which seems like what you were getting at anyway.

I was just rereading your poem, thinking how to phrase my comments. And there was Todski.

The ideas, feelings in this poem are absolutely superb. You pack so much insight and quality into this. The flow is better too.

But I am itching, itching to tinker with the words. To get the flow, get the cadence.

First line feels right. Second line - 'Holding tight' - tight does not feel (sound) right.

I like 'sweetman'.

Want to change Estelle's name - who cares if that is her real name. Want to drop some of the connecting words.

'Helen disapproves, a little wistful'

'For Bill, anything, anything {something or other} in my shoes.'

'But later will agree - we are indeed so very awful'

Love the last line - definitely, definitely do not want to change that.

Oh well, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's poem".

The above are not given as specific 'improvements' but as examples of tinkering - and seeing how it is when you've tinkered.

Please, have patience and have fun with your poems before submitting. You have the ability.

inserting my opinion?

As we walk up the sidewalk toward her place,

Holding tight as we walk,

I think this needs restructuring, the walk, sidewalk, walk seems to be so close together that it creates a bad echoing effect that in my opinion takes a lot away from the rest of the piece.

possibly

As we walk up the footpath toward her place,

holding tight?

or maybe just this

"Holding tight as we walk,"

delete the first line all together?

just one nit-pick

(Anticipating our enjoyment and enjoying our anticipation)

I loved the reverse phrasing here oldbear nicely done.