dirty secret

i see that dark shadow
he follows me everywhere,
especially in my room.
so sly and cunning is he.
the rush of being caught
turns him on.
only a child i was.
all doors locked but mine.
entrance was always open,
for him to come in.
he wakes me up to do his evil,
covers my mouth, to keep me silent.
days and nites he is around;
but chooses the time of attack.
i never know his plan or the time,
he holds control of my life.
touching me in places forbidden.
im so scared, i feel defeated.
im kept silent, forbidden to speak.
but i am yelling NO!! deep insided my mind
I HATE YOU, I LOATHE YOU!!!!
can't you see what you are doing to me?
you threaten to cut my young life short,
should i open my mouth.
frightened of this consequence,
my voice is silent.
tears roll down my face.
years go by to endure,
your infliction of pain.
till one day, i open my mouth
an all your dirty secrets flood out.
i can't stop them, too late.
could'nt do it if i tried.
i beg and plead , say nothing to him!!
for my punishment would be dire.
terror fills my body of the evil
lurking in my home.
one i trusted with my pain
betrays my trust and tells
this shadow of what i spoke of.
anger beyond belief is all i see,
a monster is coming after me.
thrown across a room, with just one swing;
my head slams down in pain.
my eyes open to see a woman sneer,
like some evil plot,
enjoying my moment of terror.
im rolled in a ball
shaking and rocking back and forth.
my eyes are full of tears
but all i can do is stare.
i am numb, take myself to that place
i know all too well.
where no one can hurt me, touch me.
open only for me, im frozen still.
dont touch me, leave me alone!!
i despise you!!
you took my innocence away
robbed me even though you said you loved me.
i feel so sick , all i want to do
is throw up at the very sight of you.
my decision is made
you'll get paid back ten fold
wait and see.
my words tell a friend
she takes control
and in one fell swoop
im taken away from this shadow of evil
i though i'd be happy
but im just numb
unable to feel,
unable to love.
unable to trust those
closest to me
because of my dirty secret
too many years of silence
are gone in a minute
i'm left to deal in my hush hush world.
no one willing to really listen or to help.
im just fifteen.
nowhere to go and run to
i cry and i cry,
what have i done?
my family is broken because of me.
should have kept quiet,
held on a little longer, but i can't
i want to be free.
i know now what is right
too bad this shadow would not listen
to my pleading, i begged him to stop.
but he just said ,SHUT UP!
now he sits on trial
no longer looking as strong, but now is weak.
look as he shakes and shakes, so scared.
now that his secret is out,
he is defeated
i can't take it, cannot look.
i feel like shit for what im doing.
i'm so confused,
everything is so complicated
i'm taken away by strangers.
i feel so ugle inside and out.
what in hell is a matter with me?
i've lost control.
of this person that is me.