tagNon-Erotic PoetryDon't Ever Go Out with a Derek

Don't Ever Go Out with a Derek

bySapphos Sister©

Don’t ever go out with a Derek:
Though Dereks are careful and kind,
A girl needs a more esoteric
Young man with whom to be entwined.

And Dereks, whilst clever with spanners
And starting the car when it fails,
Have less than impeccable manners,
Bad skin and black fingernails.

A Derek adores caravanning
To places like Boring-on-Sea
And the bit he likes best is the planning
Of lay-byes to stop in for tea.

With sex, he is strictly biannual;
He’ll strip you and try not to stare,
Then make love, consulting a manual,
Advising him which bit goes where.

I’m tempted to say they’re all boring –
Meet one Derek and you’ve met the lot!
If the fellow’s not belching, he’s snoring
From the moment that you tie the knot.

And thus it’s my humble prognosis
That marry a Derek, you’re doomed!
He’ll kill you with his halitosis
And it won’t seem a moment too soon!

Post-script
A friend of a friend who’s a cleric
Invited me over to tea
And that’s where I set eyes on Derek
Who’d just scooped that week’s Lottery.

My dear stuffy, dandruffy Derek
Was gushingly, blushingly cute:
He said that he thought me mesmeric –
I said I’d look after his loot!

The wedding was most atmospheric –
Now the caravan’s headed for France
With pullovered, comb-overed Derek
(And my personal trainer, young Lance)!

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