- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Lament of the Children's Poet Laureate
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So why do I write mostly lines
For two to four year olds to hear?
Because they love the sound of rhymes
That never mind but please the ear.
Adults? Well, that depends on the kind
Of adult for whom I am writing.
Sometimes I'll tack on a syllable
For those who would pawn possessions
That they may bring gifts to their children,
Go to church or temple or don't,
But give of themselves every day,
Knowing the true purpose of worship,
And I write for my father and mother
Whose bodies once were put in an oven
By those who one day would discover
They had been putting their own souls in.
- COMMENTS
greenmountaineerabout 13 years agoAuthorYou're right about the last stanza. I should have wrestled with it more and not have submitted it until I wrote something I was more satisfied with.
It's reasonable to assume the poet was Jewish. While many Reform Jews do not believe in the concept of he'll, many others, I think, do. See:
http://judaism.about.com/library/3_askrabbi_o/bl_simmons_afterlife.htm
The rabbi makes specific mention of the Holocaust as well.
twelveooneabout 13 years agoI had no idea the PF had a Children's Poet Laureate, a note would be in order. Now which one? Is he Jewish, did this happen? Why the need for something to be reduced to 4 lines, Poetgoy's suggestion about keeping the last two lines, in view that this is supposed to be from an old man...well trite to the point of reprehensibility. From what I understand Jews don't have that concept of a fiery hell. Was he a Catholic, you do need that explanation. His metric suggestion verges on the insane, find the words for the voice, clean it up after. 30% subsitution, is what I believe, real meterheads would accept, unless he is one of those hard core neos.
greenmountaineerabout 13 years agoAuthorI meant once as "some indefinite time in the past.". I put that in quotes because that's the 3rd listing for the word in Merriam Webster.com.
bogusagainabout 13 years agoI was going with this all away to the last three lines. The is nothing wrong with the subject, which is powerful stuff and I feel the poem petered out somewhat.
Whose bodies once were put in an oven
Bodies can only be put in an oven once and would the people doing the deed discover they hard incinerated their own souls? Or are you refering when they too are dead?
greenmountaineerabout 13 years agoAuthorThank you, Poet Guy, also for your comments. I did, in fact try to vary meter and rhyme, according to the narrative, but still am dissatisfied with the last 4 lines. On the one hand, I thought it needed to be expanded, but whenever I did that, it seemed to result in pontification which I think would have blemished the idea of childlike innocence I attempted to portray. Leaving it as it is, however, brings it dangerously close to appearing to be maudlin, and to some perhaps it is.
There may be other flaws as you hinted, but those would be in the upper right box of the Johari Window for me right now.
PoetGuyabout 13 years agowith its simple, even meter and rhyme in S1, the free verse of S2, then ending with fairly even by much more complex rhyme and meter in the ending S. L4 seems off, in terms of sense. Something like "fail" instead of "mind" would seem to Poet Guy to make more sense, though he recognizes the long i sound echoing the "a" rhyme and the word presaging "kind" at the end of L5.
Unlike twelveoone, Poet Guy particularly likes the ending line--in fact, the whole ending stanza--which reads as kind of a dark reflection of the first (slightly off rhymes, dactyls/anapests added to the meter).
The concept of a free verse interlude in S2 for adults is quite ingenious, but it ends up being somewhat jarring to Poet Guy. He isn't quite sure why he feels this way, though, and really likes the concept, so perhaps he merely needs to read the poem a few more times.
Well done and extremely interesting. Thank you.
Anonymousabout 13 years agothis looks like the rough ideas scribbled down before you get around to writing the poem
softsmileabout 13 years ago"Because they love the sound of rhymes
That never mind but please the ear."
(As the little girl in me plans on never growing up, you may be talking about me here. *impish grin*)
Never minding and never-minding... I love wordplay like this! And as CB pointed out, the progression of your thoughts from simplistic, to more complex is really wonderful. If I ever DO grow up, I hope to write like you someday.
twelveooneabout 13 years agodo I feel the need for a disclaimer. Your work deserves a little more picking, so to speak. I don't want any new writers, thinking there is something wrong here, as you explained these are judgment calls. I wish new writers would spend more time with your work. An endorsement, coming from one who is not particularly fond of this style. We each have our own. The work that you put in is admirable. Sorry to say, poetry is work, reading is work. It is my wish, writers would read your work, spend some time with it.
As said, not my style, but that is what generates different perspectives and generates a cross fertilization of ideas. Prevents things from going stale.
greenmountaineerabout 13 years agoAuthorThanks, CB and 1201 for taking the time to comment. L4 was supposed to have been a play on words, but I think you're right, 1201, about the confusion.
The first stanza was intentionally child-like in it's meter and rhyme and may have added to the confusion of the poet's age, but I thought the last stanza would have clarified the matter, given the allusion to WW2. That said, I'd welcome any comment, in general or specific to that, because all sumissions are works in progress for me, and I welcome constructive criticism.
