- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Moths
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Click hereMoths
Sweet spring rain
Like a silver curtain
Drawn, silently
Across my window.
Ripples on the water
Where the lillys grow
Like madness, next to
Velvet, mossy banks.
Moths drawn to
Dancing candle flames
Spin and pirouette in
Welcome warmth.
- COMMENTS
buttersabout 13 years agoand you could work around that cliché, maybe with 'moths flirt with dancing flames', or, maybe have them bathing in the welcome heat, which would keep the water theme consistent in each verse.
your opening is gentle and cool and peaceful.
the idea of light and peace transmits over into v2 as lilies have an association with peace... you know those elegant, creamy-white peace lilies? v2 is my favourite, as i think you've created a novel and most interesting image here... the surface of the water broken by the green, burgeoning stems (stems that can snap despite their vigour) growing in healthy profusion... seemingly out of place in the water when the bank is a more likely location, and disrupting the smooth surface, causing the ripples. i think it works so well with the idea of madness.
GuiltyPleasureabout 13 years ago......."lillies" and I don't understand why lillies growing next to a mossy bank is "madness". Your first verse is lovely but you descend into cliche in the third.
Tess
twelveooneabout 13 years agoStanza 1 excellent, or should I say I merely it and it just my opinion, since the soooooooooo much better is on the prowl.
You got a 5, I think you would have to screw up badly though the entire poem, like you did here:
Moths drawn to
Dancing candle flames
ouch.
