- Erotic Poetry
- Nipples and Pegs
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Click hereWell, what do you know?
I saw a nipple.
A beautiful nipple,
An exquisite breast.
Another nipple,
On another breast,
Attached to this nipple,
A clothes peg.
Did it hurt ?
I wondered
why was it there?
The clothes peg?
- COMMENTS
WickedEveabout 19 years agoI like the one image you're focusing on, but this poem has potential to be even better.
If you don't mind a few mild suggestion:
Well, what do you know? (I'd lose this first line. It brings nothing to the poem.)
I saw a nipple.
A beautiful nipple,
An exquisite breast.
Another nipple,
On another breast,
Attached to this nipple,
A clothes peg.
(I like those first two stanzas, minus line 1. You pull the reader in with some intriguing words of the other breast. You have the reader thinking, "yes, the first one is nice, but the second one is clamped!")
Did it hurt ?
I wondered
why was it there?
The clothes peg?
(Your last stanza is a bit weak but can be rather easily revised. Don't ask the reader if it hurts or why is it there. And don't you tell the reader either. Show the reader. Let your words help the reader see an erect, red nipple. This last stanza or two should describe the peg and its effect on the nipple. You don't even need to say it hurts. Describe the hurting and the reader will make the connection. He or she should read this and come away with "ouch, I bet that hurts.")
Keep writing and keep enjoying the praise, but remember that constructive feedback can help you become a kick-ass poet, baby. :)
turtledoveabout 19 years agoI say-your work is greatly improved-don't let other people judge your work--it's artist--alot of artists aren't always appreciated for their original ideas!
