Surprise

Surprise
By
EndtheDream

They thought me second rate.
That they were doing me a favor.
The occasional boy become the
Occasional man.
Daniel and Julian and Kim
And Bo.
They thought me a time killer.
Someone to pass about when they
Were waiting for a real person.
They found me needful.
They found me begging.
And they felt sorry for me.
When it came time to leave,
Some said goodbye.
Some just walked away.
Daniel figured it out.
He gave me phone sex,
While we were watching the
Same young men being sucked
And fucked on screen.
He said to me once,
“It’s not me you’re imagining.
It’s Joel you are pretending me
To be.”
And set my mind right.
Making me see,
Then and forever.
Even Ricky’s penis hard in my
Mouth.
Even his hands pushing my head
Up and down.
Beautiful and full with penis
Long and hard.
Even him, before Daniel,
And after.
It was Joel I pretended him to
Be.
And now in sublimation,
It all fits.
A small less than nimble joke.
It was them I was using.
It was them I was doing a favor
For.
Not the other way round.
And feelings
I thought I felt
Became artifice.
And the third wheel
Became lonelier.
Became the jokester.
For the joke was not only
On me after all.
I was using them
As time killers.
I was using them to get
Facets of Joel back to me.
The only love I had ever
Known.
So much truer and more beautiful.
Such a sanctified two years of my
Life.
They were the interlopers.
Not I.
They were to be embarrassed.
Not I.
I used them
And made masks of Joel’s face
To put on their own.
They never cared for me.
Thought me second rate.
Well, then,
To me they were fifth rate.
And sixth.
Some.
To rush to Joel up ahead.
And remember him
Alone.
The darkness.
The fears.
The lostness.
They thought they mattered
To me,
While knowing
I did not matter to them.
Round and round then.
How terribly wrong they were.
My secret.
My scourge.
My Joel.
My love.
The only one who counted
After all.
The others,
I don’t remember their
Names,
Some of them.
Their faces,
Forgotten.
Their bodies half remembered.
They thought they would be the
Ones to say this of me.
And they did.
Some quite bluntly.
And I lost Joel only.
And they were the same to me.
Silent and gone.
Even when still here.
The mockery.
The mockery.
And I the jealous,
Left behind.
While they went ahead
Without me.
Not knowing.
They were gimmicks.
And I the puppet master.
How rich it seems now.
Loving Joel
And only him.
All
This
Time.