- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Tell Me
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Click hereTell Me...
Where have my brothers gone
Grown too old, tell
Of silent watches
Off hostile shores?
Years have gone by
But the look, the eyes
Would still be the same
They are in my dreams
Our hair gone white
If it's there at all
Eyes once used binoculars
Now need different glasses
The enemies on the horizon
Now live in our bodies
Waiting to claim us
On one final dark watch
- COMMENTS
ishtatabout 13 years agoYou could dump the third stanza and a lot of the verbs without blurring your meaning or image.
Verbs sometimes tend to pull a poem in too many directions. It would be fun to play at using context to negate the need for verbs and maybe create at the end a feeling of stillness.
It might not be a better poem but sometimes rewrites can be fun and possibly helpful
GuiltyPleasureabout 13 years ago.....who said "getting old ain't for sissies" but it seems fitting here. As others have said, this poem could do with tightening and reworking but, on the whole, well done.
Tess
UnderYourSpellabout 13 years agoI am presuming that 'one final dark watch' is death and what could be darker than that?
twelveooneabout 13 years agoI disagree with Maria on this, would make it too pat.
Here find another word for dark or drop.
On one final dark watch
100
Maria2394about 13 years agobut I think you could add a couple of words and make it more accessible to your reader. The last stanza is sort of misleading, at least to me, maybe that's the wrong word, confusing is better
~~The enemies on the horizon
Now live in our bodies
Waiting to claim us
On one final dark watch~~
The final dark watch, well, you say, "one" final dark watch so that makes me wonder how many final dark watches there are.
I did like the poem though, I just feel it could be tightened up a bit. :)
~ maria
