- Erotic Poetry
- The Garden
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Click hereI went to the garden today,
No muse to come and play.
So alone did I sit,
To the garden I submit,
Alone not to be,
Closed my eyes in order to see.
My muse from far he did come,
Visions of him my mind he is from,
We ran and we hid,
No desires forbid,
Climbing trees,
Staring at bees,
Lost we become,
To needs we succumb.
In the garden we play,
Both have our say.
The birds and the bees,
Laugh as we tease.
Joy and bliss,
In the garden we kiss.
I only need to close my eyes,
Before me my muse lies.
This moment forever the prize!
I went to the garden today…..
dlt © sept. 9 2004 all rights reserved
- COMMENTS
sackover 19 years agoHmmmm...usually the things Reltne wrote about bug me too, but I didn't notice any "odd" words this time. Think I am getting used to your style! Only agree with Maria that spacing between certain groups of lines might have made the work even more cohesive!
Maria2394over 19 years agono better place than a garden. I liked this a lot, but something bugged me a little. I think it was the lack of separation of the stanzas, and your use of "forbid" in that one line seems wrong, it is probably just me though..enjoyed this one :)
My Erotic Taleover 19 years agowoohoo, cucumbers? or flower garden
who gives a damn they were intranced in passion
<grin>
Damn Du~
Your an erotic poetress extrodinare
I swear ... <chucklebone>
I really liked this one~
Anonymousover 19 years agoReltne does offer some good, constructive feedback. The first two lines begin smoothly, then it's lost. But I think you could revise this easily enough. Don't read it again for a few days or a week, then give it a try and see if you can hear the "yoda speak". :) I think you just need to move some words around in your lines so that they read more naturally.
Reltneover 19 years agoSo much better than this you done/have.
So stilted sounds "Yoda speak" and unbecoming to your ability is.
Back this one take and it from the beginning rewrite.
