The Nameless God

Reality is cruel; it doesn't care about your hopes.

The comments have been very interesting (especially from Greenmountaineer). This is a poem where I have found it hard to stand back and view things objectively.

The use of rhyme has been questioned. I do not think I could go in (even as an experiment) & remove the rhymes. This is partly because I feel they are integral to the old fashioned feel of the poem along with the language & partly because I am still too close to be able to do that.

However, I do think that the use of the word ‘emptiness’ is flawed as it too tum-ti-tum and harsh. Funnily, I had worried about ‘eternity’ in the previous line but that slight stridence probably works as people are expecting frankincense instead.

Anyway, I am changing ‘emptiness’ to ‘nothingness’ which is softer. I do not think the repetition to ‘nothing’ in the previous line is a problem.

So here is the altered version:

O you weak and foolish mortal, you must listen now to me.

Although I have no name, afar, oft times you saw my face.

I am the image that was graven, before your heart grew cold.

And I am the one you dreamed of, before you grew too old.

I know other Gods beguile you, though all ask a hidden fee.

Some offer gold, some myrrh and some will sell eternity.

But I shall give you nothing and then will rob you of your rest.

And though it does not please you, you will choose my nothingness.

No, I am not the God of this world, or of the one to come.

And though heart and soul are weary, you know you have no choice.

For I am the God of what should have been, of dreams that cannot be.

So now come, O weary mortal, come. Come and worship me.

They say there are no atheists in foxholes. There's maybe a preponderance of them on Lit. who aren't interested in the subject. I think there's a lot of good poetry about the meaning of life, inclusive of a mysterious God. I've always been intrigued by that notion, so your poem, which I liken to the Tao or Acquinas's "Via Negativa" intrigued me.

I think it would have been better in free verse. I don't think "I am that image that was graven" is archaic, but I think "oft times" is and feels like you wrote it to force a rhythm to the line. I also might have written "is graven" rather than "was" to suggest eternity, but I think I understand why you chose the latter with follows in the line, so maybe that's a quibble.

I think lines 6 and 7 are outstanding. The reason why I don't include line 8 which has the key word "emptiness" in it is because it's not a choice, and when combined with 6 & 7 extend the rhyme, which feels forced. If you decided to edit the poem in free verse, this stanza is a great place to start because packs so much IMO.

The last line wraps it up nicely.

In the final analysis, if you're happy with the poem as is, that's what's important. Thanks for posting it. I enjoyed reading it and reflecting on some of what you said in it.

in the poem is all bark and no bite, I read your comment on the poem it would be better with some of that in it. Rhyme, if you decide to, have a clear idea of what you want to do with it, otherwise it is probably better if you didn't. I've seen comments from you so I assume you want to learn poetry. Keep up the effort. It is a good effort.

I did not vote

Though all ask a hidden fee. Yes they do. And the God you write of is heartless, relentless and cruel. I wish I had learned earlier in life to go with my gut as well as my mind when deciding which way to go.