- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Thoughts at Moonrise
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Click hereThoughts at Moonrise
The moon just rose over the treetops
As the sunset‘s last colors are fading
I am truly in love with two women
Overlarge and clear this cold evening
Orange yellow in the darkening sky
For reasons as different as they are
It’s beautiful, almost round, less than full
Looks like it’s just one day shy
They both have their place in my heart
But beautiful none the less
And maybe even more so
Yet each love does detract from the other
With the promise that it holds
Of tomorrow night’s perfection.
The problem is one of completeness
- COMMENTS
twelveoonealmost 10 years agowith your explanation, it which case you have a near perfect ending, I assume the two trains intersect there. It needs some work, but I like the way you are thinking, mirroring the duality.
I 5ed, mainly 'cause the score means shit, if someone doesn't like you they anon it down.
Tazz did not comment on the poem, you may have noticed that here.
Oldbear63almost 10 years agoAuthorThank you all for your comments, I am frustrated - I had submitted this poem in word format so that I could maintain spacing that made it less confusing to read. To the left being a description of the moonrise, more to the right the thoughts going thru my mind. It didn't come out that way when published. Rats, and I certainly understand your comments Openfield. Taz - averiece? Maybe? Indecision? Nope - very decided on both.
OpenFieldalmost 10 years agoThis is a rather interesting poem, but it isn't particularly "poetic" (Yes, I know that doesn't mean anything). And it has these odd lines:
As the sunset‘s last colors are fading
I am truly in love with two women
Overlarge and clear this cold evening
Do you mean both your women are "overlarge?" That seems cruel, or perhaps welcoming, as the case may be. I suspect you are not placing modifiers quite where you might want.
But I could be wrong about that.
I think one of the things I like about the poem is the multiple love objects. I have one love, but can imagine multiples. If you have managed to make that work, godspeed.
