- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Vantage Points
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A skyscraper
arrogantly pierces a cloud
hovering over two falcons
eyeing sick pigeons in a park
all unseen
in favor of a spreadsheet.
.
- COMMENTS
twelveooneabout 13 years agowhat this needs is an alternate take from the two previous comment. What Friday is refering is what is called pathetic fallacy, but it is a skyscraper thereforth more correctly called a pathetic phallacy.
Chip clouds are hovering over the falcons, this is veil for the falcons which is sexual desire. And well spreadsheet, just think about it....
This has to be the most coded sex dream I've ever seen here.
Just kidding...maybe
100, I had fun with it.
fridayamabout 13 years agois the assumption of arrogance (a human trait) to an object--a building. It sets the whole poem off on the wrong track. There
doesn't then seem to be a connection between the first two couplets and the last.
buttersabout 13 years agohowever, your line 'hovering over two falcons' would read better (imo) as 'hovers over two falcons'
the pov of this is, again, refreshingly different. your visuals are good, you allow us to see with the eye of the author. typo with 'eyeing'.
the ending is a sad reality - we all need to look out at the view a bit more often.
having said that, i think your strongest lines would work alone, without your ending. perhaps a new title. it would leave you a small but unique pov piece. only one opinion, and just showing you where this takes me.
The skyscraper
arrogantly pierces a cloud
hovers over two falcons
eying sick pigeons in a park
