Wet Dream

Thank you, Senna, for your comments. I always find them thought provoking. I never looked at the title through the lens you mentioned, but you’re right. At the very least it conjures an image of an adolescent.

I hadn’t thought about negation that way either. “wasn’t hungry” isn’t a strong image. I began thinking about “gnawing on a croissant” or something similar. At the very least I’m going to review my library of poems for similar examples.

You help me become a better poet. Thanks again.

Dear GM, please, remove all the comments which have nothing but a link spoiled by a line break or blank. Here is a respective tiny link:

https://tinyurl.com/GM3ladies

Sorry for all this, thank you,

while the tears at the table flow. TK U MLJ LV NV

The link the last time was correct except for the Literotica editor inserting a blank into URL by itself. Use these links by first removing the spurious blank. Just in case, I'll post the link again, it will not hurt:

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=88619783

Good luck,

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=88619783

The one I have given earlier doesn't seem to work, but this one does (certainly for me :) ):

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=88619783

regards,

Be it Literotica, Internet or poetry, GM is an outstanding author.

The present poem is relatively short, both in general and for GM. This is an English poem but starts with "Mon Dieu!", and right away we are immersed in a French or Latino or Mediterranean atmosphere and culture. Just two words--great efficiency!

The text is colorful. Thus I wish GM would replace the first two occurrences of "his" by a first male name like Ben, Joe, Joel,...; GM himself could find and choose one.

Negation "wasn't hungry" wastes some poetic potential. This is, unfortunately, a very common drawback of a lot of poems by all possible authors. Negation cannot be used ad hoc. To make negation artistically valuable the author needs to devote to it some energy so that it starts to exist. Otherwise, whatever you negate becomes unimportant.

In the given case, we already have a kitchen table. Thus hungry or not is too expected, too routine. The simplest is to provide a POSITIVE statement which catches just a fraction of the negation. For instance:

*** because Marie

*** who just finished her ice cream

*** pulled on [...]

Of course, GM can have a better phrase (English or otherwise) which would fit the circumstances perfectly. (Would it be "de la glace à la vanille" instead of plain English "ice cream"?)

A subtle moment: "at nine o'clock in the morning" and "at midnight after thirty-five years"--when you mention time twice then there should be an extra angle to it, It should be more than simply giving time, I feel a little disappointed. It's poetry, there doesn't have to be any perfect mathematical logic, but there should be something, possibly an extra delicate linguistic accent-echo... Very little is missing. On the other hand, someone may feel that actually, everything is fine, just as it should be. It's subtle.

Not subtle is how poor is the title. This title is an announcement which preempts the interest in the poem; on the top of it, it has crude cliche connotations, this poem deserves much better than this.

***

The poem has an interesting composition, three women, and one man--every male reader may have a wet dream about this poem. (This still does not justify the title, not at all, it would be just a dirty trick rather than poetry). The time dimension makes this poem moody.

***

GM has posted a new version here:

http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=88619783&postcount=784

(the new title is still no good, it's just a joke). I am not sure if GM would like a comparison of the two variations here, in this thread. The new version is more compact, perhaps still clearly better, I'd think, except for one small blemish due to its short history--the new version has inherited an element of the version above, without paying enough of careful attention.

Thus, now or forever, I will leave it at this.

Best regards,

1201: an attempt to differentiate among the 3 women but upon further thinking, it now seems superfluous.

An interesting thread in PF&F might be the whys and wherefores of creating stanzas.

Quite a cast... Went over my head, though.

without a doubt

I have a question about the structure

the five, three, two stanzas all bleeding into the next.