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Click hereFor Jeff and Brian...
________________________
Oh world,
why must you turn so?
Tossing about and retching
amidst the stagnant afternoon air,
dreaming of becoming a
quivering
scarlet, paper fan
that I may never open.
Shh, rest here with me.
We belong together in this quiet,
inevitable moment;
We are nothing, but the echoing susurrus
of teardrops
fallen
while they were dreaming of
the lovers they left behind
in the deep,
fitful oceans
which brought me tossing about
and retching
upon your shore.
as to what you are trying to do, will all the tossing and retching about, and then you throw in a poetic reach with "susurrus" when something like whispering would do just as well. On the plus side, I've not seen anything like it. We'll start small, if you are dreaming of becoming a fan,
"that I may never open." sounds like you would be trying to open yourself, how about "that will not open"? Just a suggestion. New Writer 5