- Non-Erotic Poetry
- You ain't what I imagined to be
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Click hereYou were meant to be the curl of the leaf
coyly, slowly, gradually,
unfurling into a wanton splendour
of grace, beauty, sensuality and oomph -
the innocent, laughing green, erasing all grief.
Alas, you folded up, a withered soul,
holes in the vein, crying like a banshee
You aint what I imagined to be
You were meant to be the turn of the phrase
delicately, smartly, cleverly
carrying heaps of load, a twist at its
waist, a casually uttered mumble -
plundered the core of the soul, its glow ablaze.
Alas, you turned out quite a cliché, words akimbo
like the pathetic scarecrow on a field of green pea
You aint what I imagined to be
You were meant to be the midnight blue of the night
Stealthily, soporifically, numbly,
Creeping insidiously like the sheen
Of a Barnett Newman painting -
Whisper like approach, impact dazzlingly bright.
Alas, you got swallowed, the blood of darkness
ran riot in your veins, the leafless autumn tree
You aint what I imagined to be
- COMMENTS
theognisover 12 years agoExcellent, and leaving out the 'you' makes it even better.
I might suggest this change, in the last stanza:
Whisper-like approach, impact dazzlingly bright.
Five.
serpentwrapalmost 13 years agoAuthorExtremely valuable and insightful comments. Appreciate all of 'em and much obliged. Didn't understand "name" bit, the comment from 1201. Thanks again.
greenmountaineeralmost 13 years agoAt first, I thought maybe 2 stanzas would suffice, but with a second reading, I saw and heard much better "leafless autumn tree," so it worked for me quite well.
I might've taken l5&6 in S1 and re-positioned them or some variation of them in the last stanza.
I thought the single "You" worked well in the last line of each stanza because "what I imagined to be" in its entirety modifies "You" which then doesn't need to be repeated. Either is acceptable I think, and it may be that the Brits follow different rules of syntax here. Hmm. Interesting possibility.
Woulda been a 5 if you had voting turned out.
twelveoonealmost 13 years agomake me forgive "wanton splendour"
of grace, beauty, sensuality and oomph -
risky move, works for me, as a matter of fact, I wish I had thought of it.
What impresses me is the overall greeness of the poem, that disappears at the end. I would given it A 5. (if voting doesn't matter, turn it on) But look a "name."
Desejoalmost 13 years agoAlthough I am much less experienced in meter and scanning ..to me there are missing words in this piece. However, I wonder if it was done on purpose? I like the contrast of edu-macated words and slang. I don't often run across "soporifically" ,oomph and ain't in the same context. Maybe this ain't what imagined to be :) nice job.
buttersalmost 13 years agoso it was worth taking a read through. like UYS, i also found myself automatically adding an additional word to that phrase. is this another brit/american divide?
your opening line drew me right in, effortlessly. i like how you began each strophe with 'you were meant to be', as the poem illustrates from the off that this is about disappointed expectations... and speaks as much about the narrator's holding of these as it does about the one who disappoints them.
i'm ambivalent about the secondlines of each - part of me likes their usage, but another part feels they're overdone by a syllable or three. also, not enamoured of 'the midnight blue of the night'. it does the same thing - puts me on the fence with it. perhaps further read-throughs will make me come down one side of the fence rather than the other. right now, i'm a little *see-saw hand movement* about it.
UnderYourSpellalmost 13 years agoThe best I've read today although one niggle I kept wanting to put another 'you' in after 'imagined' so the last line woud be more grammatical but then it wouldn't scan so well
