A Fragile Light

Theo's gesture made Graham smile. He turned his attention back to John. His lover's face was bathed in its own soft light as he stood confidently singing with a candle in his hand. Graham did not even bother mouthing the familiar words. His microphone was still on, one of many minor snafus during the service, Graham could hear John's strong baritone leading the congregation. Even in the shower, with Graham's hands on him, John could stay at tempo and on pitch. The thought amused Graham and then suddenly the slight figure of a teen was beside him, candle thrust out. Graham was taken back for a moment, then their eyes connected over the small flame. Jesse's intention was clear. There was a fire in Jesse's eyes that came from somewhere brighter than the wavering flame between them. The simple steel bracelet he had just received hung loosely from the extended wrist. Graham scooped up the discarded candle and held it out. The wicks touched and Jesse's face shone brighter and the combined flame seemed stronger. He smiled shyly up at Graham with an unexpected look of admiration Graham did not understand. Jesse did not retreat to where Theo waited as Graham thought he might. At the transition to the final verse, he turned and waved his friend over. Theo approached more cautiously and by the time the congregation reached the final chorus Jesse was singing sandwiched between the two reluctant participants. Graham could sense John smiling at him.

Graham left the sanctuary balcony unnoticed by the boys talking happily together as Theo gathered his hoody and vest. He walked down the stairs slowly ignoring the occasional greeting. Jamie, his partner would be already waiting for him outside the church. His shift pressed closer, but he did not rush. John would not be done yet and Graham needed their moment alone before he left for the cold streets. Soon enough he would be strategically spoiling people's nights, distributing DUIs like confetti. Better that anyway then the visits to homes where disappointments had reduced Christmas to a hysterical shambles. He heard the raspy adolescent voices behind him. Theo and Jesse had paused on the stairs before the landing for some last moment of privacy. Graham was glad for that. The excitement in their voices recalled the sense of well being captured by their presence beside him for that final carol. Graham paused on the stairs, not really listening, but absorbing the joy in their voices. He watched the stream of parishioners filing past the minister in the narthex. He recognized Jesse's family. The pesky younger brother laughed beside Jesse's father as Jesse's mother stopped to greet John. She must have asked about Graham because John pointed toward where Graham stood and she turned her curiosity on him. The small girl's voice rose above the general murmur asked after Jesse and then the waif tugged at her mother to get her attention. Jesse's mother smiled down affectionately and took the little girl's hand. Graham's anxiety returned. He wondered how this seemingly close family would react to their son Jesse if he ever came out.

Jesse stepped past him as he descended the stairs two at a time; Theo trailed behind a few steps, the new hat on his head. Theo stopped beside Graham and watched as Jesse retrieved his coat from his father. Jesse was soon enveloped in the swirl of family departure. Graham eyed Theo standing alone, watching Jesse. He seemed tense. It was a sad contrast to Jesse's open joy. John pressed a last hand and patted a last mink-sheathed shoulder and then his smiling face drew Graham forward, the youth on the steps was temporarily forgotten.

"You made it." Conversations could be had in the space of a few looks between married couples. "You got through okay?"

"Yes, we talked for half an hour."

"That's good."

"Skype helped; it helped being able to see them. I think it helped their being able to see me." The reassuring normalcy of who he was perhaps. Graham paused recalling his conversation. It had depressed him so much to think about it earlier. Now, standing beside John after vicariously sharing the joy of those two teenagers, the conversation seemed far less restrained. "Hunter's daughter, six I think, a real sweetie. He spoke with me the most I think; dad a little, Sharon and Samantha too."

"Not your mother though," John said it lightly.

"No, not mom," Graham confirmed bleakly. He turned away and caught sight of Jesse's mother fussing with the small girl's coat near the heavy oak doors.

"In time," John suggested tentatively.

"Perhaps," Graham responded without enthusiasm. "Hunter wished you a merry Christmas."

"Nice"

"Maybe I'll call him later." John made no comment. He never pushed. Graham's eyes shifted from mother and daughter to the eldest son. Jesse stood, feet barely touching the ground, beside his father. The fair teenager could barely contain his excitement, turning once or twice to look over to where Theo slouched against a wall. "He read his piece very well. Such a bright light, I can see why you like having him in your youth group. People seem to like him."

"He reminds me of you Graham." Graham lost himself for a moment in John's eyes.

"Perhaps once," but Graham could see the justice in the comparison. Even now, he rarely let his angst come through. He was too happy in his work, too happy with John to let the world grind him away for what he was. It had been different at eighteen, suddenly adrift from the anchor of his faith and family. "It's so hard being their age John. The losing is hard and you don't have the wisdom to put it all into perspective. There is just the now and if the now is bad then it is all blackness." He could feel John's fingers through the stiff Kevlar of his vest as his partner caressed his back.

"It will be better for them Graham. We've pushed things a little farther for them. The paths are clearer and the drifts smaller, more shelter, and warm fires."

"So it seems now. What happens when we go the way of the States and one morning they say we are not married or your church decides having you in the pulpit no longer reflects God's will?" Graham knew John's response before the words were uttered.

"Come what may, we will still be married and I will go back to teaching." John's fingers brushed against his momentarily, "Hey, it's Christmas." John stopped Graham's reply with a sharp squeeze on his hand. "Oh good, he's going to do it. He has been fretting this moment for a month now."

Graham and John watched as Jesse swung around and hurried over to where Theo leaned against the wall. The young friends stood facing each other. Graham and John could see the trepidation on Theo's face. Jesse waited patiently a moment before he grabbed a handful of his taller friend's hoody and began pulling him back to where his family stood. Before they had closed the distance Jesse had Theo's hand firmly in his. The two men could not quite hear the words, but they could see the friendly smiles on Jesse's parent's faces. Theo awkwardly shook the father's hand and then suffered a hug from the mother.

"Merry Christmas Jesse," John whispered horsely.

"And they know, about Jesse and Theo?" Graham was moved too.

"Just recently, it took Jesse quite a while to work up the courage. It went well, they are good people." Something was offered but Theo shook his head and took a step back. "Well it is a first step; I gather things don't go so well in Theo's home." After a few more words with Jesse's parents, Jesse herded his boyfriend in the direction of the two men. Jesse was all smiles but Theo eyed Graham with a guarded look that signalled the law and he were rarely friends.

"John, I wanted you to meet Theo." Nothing could extinguish the youth's bright flame at that point. Theo was all of Christmas wrapped into one rangy, ill-dressed package. "Theo, I told you about John, this is his husband Constable Sorenson." Theo mumbled something monosyllabic to the two men. He huddled in the folds of his hoody, hands jammed tightly in the worn vest. Graham and Theo abdicated the brief conversation to their partners. The teenagers turned away at a word from Jesse's father. "Come over tomorrow as soon as you can, okay?" Theo reassured him. "Wait," Jesse exclaimed. He pulled a fleece scarf off and looped it around Theo's neck. He clenched his fists in the fleece fabric. Graham would have sworn in the pause that followed Jesse was going to kiss the youth. Instead they both took a step back and let their knuckles softly brush together. Theo watched the family a moment and then pushed his way out into the cold night.

Graham lingered beside John knowing they had to part. He switched his cell phone on and almost immediately heard a burp from his partner waiting patiently for his return. "Got to go," John commented for both of them.

"Guess so," Graham replied. The teen's shared passion was still entangled with his own strong feelings for John. They shared a smile, "Sleep well."

"Be careful," John's eyes masked his constant concern. The years had not jaded him to Graham's work. "I'll have breakfast ready for you."

"You will," Graham smiled back. They were not awkward teenagers. Graham leaned in for a brisk kiss and followed Theo into the night.

The cruiser was waiting for him across the street by the public library. Snow was falling and it was beginning to shroud the city in a soft blanket. Behind him, Jesse's family stepped out onto the sidewalk and began to walk toward their car. A lone figure stood in shadow watching their departure. He glanced at Graham before turning his attention back to Jesse's retreating figure. "Officer," Graham swung around at the word, "Merry Christmas." The hooded eyes and insolent mouth were gone, Theo looked like he could burst and Graham saw he simply needed to share his bliss with someone.

"Merry Christmas to you too Theo," they smiled at each other. Theo finally gave a shrug and with a final grin, started down the empty street. Their paths would cross again. Graham opened the cruiser door and paused at the sound of Theo baying his ecstasy to the empty sky. He stood, head flung back, arms outstretched, howling, and then he broke into a swift run disappearing from Graham's sight, but not from Graham's memory.

"Merry fucking Christmas," Graham's partner Jamie growled as he settled in beside her in the warmth of the cruiser, "coffee?" The radio burped and coffee was forgotten: domestic dispute in progress. They pulled a u-turn and followed the direction Theo had taken. There was no sign of him, but the snow-muted lights of the street recalled the two youths kissing by candle light, John's strong hand on his and his younger brother's smile.

"Peace Jamie," the carol lights still flickered on, "Merry Christmas."