A New and Delicate Balance Ch. 10

I looked up sharply. She raised her hand.

"No, no, Eric! I don't blame you for anything. Please don't think that. But you taught me how great love-wrapped sex can be. You got me hooked on that, Eric. After I met you I got to be a very sexual woman. You taught me, Eric."

She smiled. I could not.

"Love-wrapped?" I said. "You loved him."

"Oh nooooo...no, no!" she hurried. Her hand covered her mouth. I just held her eyes.

"There are things you don't want to hear, honey," she went on, carefully watching my reactions. "That morning in August my body felt very, very ready. The sun, the nakedness, the anticipation of your arrival...I felt hornier than I had ever felt before. I slept in the warm morning sun, I was in a very erotic half dream..."

I winced at her mentioning the dream. She once more raised her hand.

"Please, Eric. Hear me out."

I shrugged.

"I forgot to raise the barrier, Eric. I let go. I left myself wide open. And it was just great, honey. Too great to refuse."

"I bet," I mumbled. A blush painted her face.

"This is very hard for me, Eric. I am very ashamed about it now. But I must tell you the truth at last. Right then I wasn't ashamed at all. Far from it. I was in heat. I never felt like that before. I feel ashamed that I had never been like that with you, sweetheart. But it is the truth. I was someone else. I was an animal..."

I didn't know where to look.

"Oh God, I am so sorry, Eric." her voice was a mere whisper now.

I stood.

"Are you done torturing me, Irene? I guess I'll go see if I can catch a plane back tomorrow."

She gasped. Her hands were everywhere.

"No! NO, ERIC!! Don't go. Please, hear me out. Please!"

"I've heard enough, Irene. Maybe even a bit more than enough."

She had risen too and pushed against my chest. She yelled.

"ERIC!! WILL YOU FIGHT FOR US?? FOR YOURSELF?? For me, please...?"

I stared down into her flushed face. It is a messy business to hate the one you love.

"Irene," I said, and I took her hands in mine. "You say fight? I have done nothing but fight for us. Let me ask you: have you? Be honest. You cheated on me. You gave Phil what was ours. You needed to have what Phil could give you. What we had was no longer strong enough to tame your lust. I can see that. I might even have forgiven it after wading through a sea of hurt. But it was what you did afterwards."

Her eyes shifted.

"You noticed," she said.

"How could you ever have thought I wouldn't, Irene? What you did to us after your...fling with the bastard was too low for me to forgive. There was no fight, Irene, there was only flight. You weren't even there to fight with me. It almost took my sanity away. You denied yourself to me, you shut me out. You used me as a sex toy...searching, clawing to rip the things out of me you found with asshole."

Her eyes never met mine.

"And the worst of it all...you really expected me not to notice. What kind of insensible oaf did you take me for? What insensible monster are you?"

She cried now, pushing her face into my chest.

"I was...was...s-so af-fraid of lo-osing you, Eric! I had to h-hide! Hide from you. S-sorry, love...so s-sorry..."

Pushing me away to not lose me? Denying her love to save it? Goddammit, where do women buy their logic? I could use a ton of that.

My arms were around her. We were quiet. There were only her sobs. Her huge belly pushed into me. I felt her milky boobs. It felt....disarming.

"I need to think, Irene. Let me go to bed."

She grabbed me tight and looked up with a ruined face.

"Don't leave tomorrow! Promise me!!"

"We'll see tomorrow," I said.

I tried to peel her off me.

*************

Of course I stayed. I may be a heel, but I still have problems leaving a pregnant woman under threat of murder. Call me weak and I'll invite you to eat your shit.

We walked a lot, as far as possible in that city. And as far as her belly allowed. We talked. I never wanted her to tell me more about what happened. But I needed to know why she acted as she did afterwards.

"Why did you not trust me with the truth, Irene?"

We sat on a stone bench facing the ocean. It was like being inside a tourist brochure. Blue sky, blue sea, white beach, tanned flesh. Palm trees, bikini's, skaters.

"I was a fool, Eric."

I shook my head.

"Not good enough, girl."

"I was afraid of losing you."

"Me? Or your life? Security for you and the child?"

She looked away.

"You lied to me, Irene. And then you ran. You put an entire continent between us."

"I felt ashamed. I did not deserve you, honey."

"You never asked me."

There was silence.

I brushed an escaped curl from her eye.

"I think you fled because you did not trust yourself around Phil."

Her mouth opened in a half-hearted protest. Then she sighed.

Her hands covered her face. The ocean and the voices from the beach invaded our silence. I reached out and touched her belly. I caressed it slowly. It felt warm and round. Something kicked my hand.

"This is why I didn't take a plane back immediately, Irene. You know that."

Hurt feelings washed her eyes.

"I thought...," she started.

"No." I said. "I stayed because you are stuck. The baby grounds you. You are a sitting duck for crazy Mary. I don't want to see you hurt. Or the child."

She looked crushed. I stood and sat behind her, my arms around her body. She cried softly. Her head leant against my chest. I smelt the sweetness of her hair.

I knew it was over. I guess she did too.

It hurt.

We sat like that until the sun sank into the ocean. Then we slowly walked home. We slept in her bed, together, just spooning tightly. We would always be close. But never as it had been. Never again.

The next morning I took a plane back to New York. I promised to keep close contact and be back soon. I visited her two more times during the next weeks - as often as I could get away from work.

The last time I saw her she was huge and very tired. Her blood pressure was up a bit, but there was nothing to worry about. Her sister was with her.

I never heard from Mary. I tried to monitor her whereabouts, but I lacked the time and the money to do it well. Irene never felt stalked or threatened.

Then she called me that labor had started.

*************

The clinic was lovely. It was set in a park. When the cab at last got there, it was past ten a.m. I rushed inside, almost forgetting my suitcase.

The nurse at the station told me the child had not been born yet. That was quite normal with a firstborn. She asked me if I was the father. I stared at her. Then I nodded and the awkward moment passed. She asked me if I wanted to see Irene.

Did I?

All the way here I had presumed the baby would already have been born. Did I want to be with her through labor? An age old fear gripped me. The young nurse smiled.

"Is ah...is that allowed?" I asked lamely.

"Of course!" she said. "It happens all the time."

So I had dressed in scrubs. Silly hat and slippers, all of it.

She seemed asleep when I entered. She looked pale. We were alone. I cleared my throat. Her eyes flew open.

"Eric...you are here..." Her voice sounded tired.

I sat down and searched for her hand.

"How are you?"

"Tired," she said, smiling weakly. "Susan arrived yesterday night. She went for a nap. She'll be back shortly."

"It will be all right," I said.

"Yes, doctor."

We chuckled.

*************

It took her three more hours until serious labor set in. Susan, her sister had returned. She took over with the natural ease of women. I felt perfectly superfluous. I held Irene's hand, I murmured silly nothings, I cooled her brow. I was rather useless.

And I was in total shock.

Giving birth had always been an abstract phenomenon for me up till then. The sheer earthiness of it blew me away. The brutal truth of basic nature. The bloodiness and the sheer pain.

The courage, too. Hers, that is.

It was around 2.30 in the afternoon that the baby was born. She was a girl. And the moment the nurse showed her, a sun rose on Irene's exhausted face. Once more the scales tipped to a new and delicate balance.

Ah yes...didn't I tell you? I am black.