A Winter Story

It had been enough. There were no endless couplings throughout the night. What had taken place was so deeply satisfying that it seemed impossible that anything more could be added.

I reached up and turned the bed light off, and still in my arms Nicola drifted into sleep. I lay awake for a while, still relishing what had been a new sexual experience for me; an experience that had been of love and not just lust.

Yet I felt a sense of guilt. It was her very tenderness, her gentleness that made her seem vulnerable. Beside her I felt like a clumsy brute and I wondered how Jeremy could ever have hurt her – she who had loved him.

I'm ashamed to admit that I was close to tears that night as I held her sleeping in my arms.

Then I too drifted off into dreamless sleep.

I slept late the next morning and when I awoke Nicola had gone from the bed. I had a sudden dread that she had regretted our night together – that she had seen me for the brute I felt myself to be - and what had been our companionable relationship up to that night would now end.

I lay wondering if I had said or done anything that had put pressure on her for sex, but could think of nothing. It had been Nicola who had approached me. I wondered if it had merely been her loneliness and the absence of sex in her life that had made her turn to me, and now she might be experiencing self-disgust. If that was how she felt then I had been reprehensible in taking advantage of her vulnerability.

I took a shower and dressed and then anxiously went in search of Nicola. She was dressed and preparing breakfast in the kitchen. As soon as she heard me enter she spun round with a radiant smile on her face.

The unhappiness I had seen disappear during our copulating had not returned. She almost ran to me and putting her arms round me said, "Good morning my love," and kissed me.

She laid her hand on mine and there was that delicacy again. It was like a butterfly's wings brushing my hand. How could anyone hurt such a lovely sensitive creature?

"You're feeling...feeling okay?" I asked.

"Of course I do, how could I not after what we did last night. Thank you darling, it was wonderful."

I had received some thanks from other sex partners, but none was more welcome than Nicola's. I felt the burden of anxiety lifted, she hadn't regretted our night together.

It's odd how we often forget in our own anxiety that other people are also anxious. Over breakfast she unexpectedly asked me if I had regretted what we had done.

"Never, I said, "it was the most wonderful sex I've ever experienced," and that was nothing but the plain truth.

"Does that mean you won't be going back to the caravan?" she asked.

"Not until you throw me out," I chuckled.

That seemed to settle the matter, and from then on I lived in the cottage and shared Nicola's bed.

Chapter 13. The Gardener in Spring.

From time to time I thought about getting rid of the caravan but hesitated, still uncertain what the future would bring. I suppose it was this uncertainty that led me to take what almost proved to be a fatal step with Nicola.

One night after we'd finished making love I said, "I love you very much, Nicola, will you marry me?"

I felt her go rigid in my arms and she pushed away from me.

"No...no...I'll never marry again. I've been married once and the age difference is... I know you'll leave me one day...you'll find someone else...someone younger...no, you shouldn't have asked, I'll never marry you."

Her answer I found almost unbearably painful and I said, "You know I love you and..."

"That's what he said, and remember what he did to me."

"But I'd never do that to you, Nicola, I'd never hurt you."

"You think so now, but what about in a year's time...five years...ten years time, when you see me aging, will you still love me then? No, I won't marry you, I can't..."

"You don't love me enough?"

"You know how I feel about you Edward, haven't I shown it time after time, but no marriage."

I felt as if I was falling into a dark abyss. It wasn't that I simply wanted security with Nicola, and I certainly didn't want to exploit her financially as Jeremy had, and I hadn't stopped working so I was able to make some contribution to the household. I had really found the love of my life in Nicola and the idea of being without her one day was a dark thought.

Knowing how stubborn Nicola could be, and as she had been so adamant about not marrying me, I knew it was useless to push the matter. "Perhaps," I thought, "one day she'll change her mind."

From the first moment of meeting Nicola fortune seemed to have smiled upon me. It continued to smile now. Something that should have been wonderful news from Nicola turned out to be a confession.

It came about like this: Nicola had a slim figure but after about four months of living with her I started to notice she was putting on weight. In humorous vein I commented on this; "Darling, you must be very contented, I can see you're putting on some weight."

There was a deathly hush and I thought I'd blown it; then she said very quietly, "I suppose I'd better tell you, I'm pregnant."

There was another deathly hush as I digested this information, then I almost exploded.

"You're what?"

"Pregnant, it must have happened soon after we started making love."

"And I only find out now! You must have known...you must have, and you said nothing, why? My God you shouldn't be having a baby not at..."

"My age? Well, we haven't been using any means of contraception and so...but I knew you'd say that, that's why I didn't say anything until it was too late."

"Too late for what?"

"To have an abortion."

"But your in danger...I mean after the last..."

"What are you saying, Edward; are you planning on giving me a shock like Jeremy."

"No...no for course not, I love you, but I feel...I didn't know you could...I thought you were..."

"Past getting pregnant? Well now you know I'm not. So what do you want to do, run off and leave me?"

"That's a terrible thing to say, Nicola, you know I wouldn't do that, I love you, but I'm worried, you might...might, you know..."

I had flopped down in an armchair, overcome by the news. Nicola came to me and sitting on the arm of the chair she took my hand and said, "I didn't mean it when I said about you leaving me, but can you understand, I didn't want to tell you until it was too late for us to talk about getting rid of it. I want it Edward, I really do want it, and lots of women are having babies at my age now."

I didn't know what to say and she went on, "Do you mind very much?"

"No, of course not if you want it, but I'm scared for you; I've got a life with you Nicola and if anything went..."

"Wrong?" She gave a gentle laugh and said, "Then you're going to have to care for me again, aren't you?"

"Yes, and that's just what I'm going to do. Now, that baby will need a proper father, so I think you'll have to drop the nonsense of not marrying me; I'll see the vicar tomorrow."

"Mmm, yes," she said, "perhaps I would rather like to be married now."

"You would?"

"Yes, very much."

"Good, now..." Something suddenly struck me; "Good God, Nicola, out in the garden the spring flowers have been burgeoning out all over the place, and all the time you've been blooming along with them, and I've planted both sorts of seeds."

She laughed and said, "Yes, the winter is over, and it's been quite a story, my love."

Just as a final comment; Nicola's next novel proved to be the most popular she had ever written. It's not exactly our story, but it is a love story that seems to have touched many people; probing into the depths of human desire for love – to both give and receive it. It's already gone through several editions and is bringing in a lot of money. I still do my gardening work, but I must admit that what I bring in financially is really only small change compared to Nicola's contribution.

Yes, well, I have said that it was a final thought, but another one has just occurred to me; I suppose it's not really a very nice thought.

"Tough luck Jeremy, I've got lovely Nicola and a beautiful baby daughter. You should have been content to plant your seed in Nicola and you might have ended up as happy as I am."

Epilogue.

"For lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land."
(Song of Songs 2:11)