Anatomy of the Heart

"There you go." Mimi planted a small bowl of salad on the table and slid into her seat. "That steak okay for you?"

Sven nodded. "Perfect. You're sure I can't tempt you?" He held out a sliver of the bloody meat on his fork.

"No, I'm fine with this." Mimi gestured to her own plate and smiled, split the hot potato upon it in half. "Good day at work? How was the presentation?" She spread butter onto the potato, grabbed the salt. "Damn, I am glad it's Friday."

"Fine." Sven said, "They don't want to alter anything so I'm more or less done with it. I have to be there for the reveal on Thursday but tomorrow I'll get started on the new work for the stationery place."

"Good." Mimi nodded, watching Sven gulp down the steak. "I had to use your laptop today, I hope you don't mind." She said. "I realised I'd left my charger at work when I came in and tomorrow the gallery is closed."

"Oh, no. Of course." He took a sip of his beer. "Your day was good?" Sven forked a bundle of salad onto his plate and began chewing noisily.

"Yep. Finally sold that damn Joseph Radley painting to some couple from Sydney. Then I spent the entire afternoon packing it so it could be shipped." She sighed. "Pretty good, I'll get a nice little sliver of commission at the end of the month."

"Good." He grabbed her hand. "Good for you. I'm so glad this is working out."

"As am I, obviously. We're not completely poor anymore." She watched him from behind her wine glass, set it on the table a sigh escaping her lips. "Listen, I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I noticed you'd been looking at that humiliation porn again."

Sven looked up, his eyes wide. "What?"

"You'd left the window hidden. When I opened the browser it popped up." Mimi took a sip of wine. "I wish you'd told me. I know it's been a busy week." She said, her voice level. "I know you look at porn but I don't want this to become a thing that is still your dirty little secret. I don't want you not to tell me what you need."

"Calm down." He said. "It was late, you were asleep. I was horny. Job done."

Mimi raised an eyebrow. "It's not the first time this has happened, Sven. If this is going to work you have to tell me what you want, sweetie."

The chair creaked as he leant back, the only noise between them. Sven looked away, the hot wave of shame simmering behind his lungs, hardening a lump in his throat. "I-uh." He dropped his fork with a resonant clank, his hand curling around his jaw. "Ah, fuck." The words were a whisper, said to no one but himself, the shadow in the back of his mind looming larger.

"I don't want you to feel bad about it." Mimi smiled, sympathetic. "Everyone has fantasies. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't done the same. The difference is I tell you and I want you to be a part of my actual sex life. I don't want you to feel guilty

about it or make it a secret."

He frowned at her, twisted it into a wry smile. "How did I get you?" he breathed. "Such a lack of shame, so prepared to fight for what you want."

Mimi cocked her head. "You got me because you're a good man. And I'm prepared to fight because I was tired of being sad. I was tired of secrecy." Mimi pulled her chair closer to him. "I wanted to be happy. I want you to be happy."

"You know you're the only woman I have ever known who has really listened to what I want. You've made me want to be better." He looked back at her, the colour in his cheeks rising, grabbed his beer. "I had a shit ton of girlfriends before you who would have gone crazy at me for that."

Mimi shook her head. "Oh, stop it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself or bad about what you want. I love you and I want you to be happy. I want this to work." She said. "Because you're a good man and you deserve the best."

"I can't switch shame off. I can't turn off the funny look that girls used to give me or that-" he stopped, drained his glass.

"What?"

He said nothing, looked out of the window at the tangerine street-lights, listened to the distant hum of traffic. Mimi repeated herself.

"What?" Mimi repeated.

Sven straightened up in his chair. Rubbed his face. "I never told you." He started, "But when I was younger, before I met you, I saw a pro."

"Oh." Mimi's face creased. "I...Why?" the moment it left her lips she knew it was the wrong question. She couldn't seem to find the right one. Couldn't seem to find much at all inside her but the hollow sadness she felt for him.

"Lauren wouldn't have any of it." He said, "Told me it wasn't natural for a man to be like that." He smiled at her, tried to laugh at the irony of the phrase. "So, I found a woman on the internet. She was older. It was in Geneva and I paid her one Christmas when I was visiting my family." Sven rubbed his eyes, shrugged, saw Mimi's palm was over her mouth. "Apparently, that's the busiest time of the year for dominatrices."

"Did it help?" she asked.

Sven shook his head. "I was 25 and every other guy I knew was picking up girls in bars and I was paying women old enough to be my mother to tell me what a cock-sucking slut I was."

"Oh, baby." Mimi mewled, her arms curling around his shoulders. "That's so sad you felt bad about it."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't drag you down. I can't imagine being a kinky teenage girl was much fun."

Mimi smiled, "It wasn't that great. Didn't have many boyfriends, I just worked a lot."

"Nothing changes." He kissed her cheek. "Ever the workaholic."

"So what happened?" Mimi asked, "Did Lauren find out?"

Sven shook his head. "No. I drove back to my parents', drank most of a bottle of vodka and resolved to go straight." He grinned. "Then I met this waitress called Amanda who was smart and funny and didn't mind I was a pervert. She asked me out and we ate ice cream and talked about comics and movies and the rest is history."

Mimi laughed, "Best decision I ever made." She kissed him on the mouth and he pulled her onto his lap, every nerve it seemed alight with need for her.

"Listen to me." She said, straightening up. "No more secrets or shame, okay? I forbid it. We're too far in for that shit now."

Sven nodded, "We're too far in." He admitted, "I never thought of it like that before; we're healthy. It's true." He laughed, surprised by the way the idea had slid so easily into his consciousness. "It's true."

"It is." She hugged him close, desperate to dissolve every doubt he had with her love. "Shall I tell you a secret?" she said.

"What?" Sven smiled, looking up at her. "Might as well seeing as we're sharing."

"I can't believe I found a cute, kind man who wants to get on his knees for me." She said, "You have to be confident to do this, to admit this, Sven. Can't you see? You have to be brave to go after your desires."

"I went after you." He said. "You're still here." His fingers pressed into her shoulder.

"Of course." She kissed him again. "Don't get rid of me that easily."

"I know" He nodded, "Thank you."

"Don't thank me." Mimi sighed, "I'm not going to stand for any of that shame or fear, do you understand? She hugged him. "No man of mine feels bad about his submission."

"Yes, Ma'am." Sven nodded. It seemed a trivial answer but the tangle of emotion in his chest would form no other words, existing only as an ache in his chest, a familiar yearning that had never ceased.

"Good." Mimi lay against him, her arm flung around his neck. "My baby isn't going to be scared any more. Or sad." She rubbed his chest like soothing an anxious animal. "You need to be honest about what you want, otherwise it's never going to work, okay?"

Sven nodded, stayed silent, the emotion in his chest roaring between rage and shame and love. Every part of his brain called out for silence but he had to know now otherwise he'd always wonder. The dark thought became a question on his lips. "Do you think it's disgusting?" he asked, "That I paid for it."

"Oh, no." Mimi shook her head. "You were in a difficult situation. Sure, I think that you should have broken up with Lauren a little earlier and you should have tried to talk about it but that you were disgusting? Never. Certainly not."

"I feel awful." Sven shook his head, looked out at the hazy night again. "And you have told me everything." He sighed. "About your family, about your struggles with your own kink. Fuck, Mimi, I should have said something."

Mimi nodded, "I know it's tough but you need to try." She said.

"I know." Sven blushed again; he wanted to kick himself. "No more secrets about my kinks. I was tired." He rubbed his face. "I find I get more submissive when I'm tired or stressed."

Mimi laughed, "I noticed. You've been particularly helpful recently."

Sven nodded, a tiny noise coming from him, his cheek pressed against her chest.

"And," she continued, "If you still want me to humiliate you and tell you what a cock-sucking slut you are then you only need ask, hm?" She kissed his temple, her fingers knotting through his hair. "It's really tough. Emotional vulnerability is tough, but I hope it's worth it. That's the plan."

"I know." He rubbed her arm. "Are you done?" he nodded toward the half eaten dinner.

"I am." She said.

"Then let me clear away and after that I will bring you tea."

Mimi nodded. "Thank you."

* * *

"I can't believe that episode of Eastbrook. I did not think that guy would be the killer."

"Told you." Mimi nodded, watched Sven start to brush his teeth in the bathroom. "Knew it would be him. He hid the gun right at the start. I can always figure out the killers in these police procedural shows."

Sven rinsed, turned off the water, left the towel he'd used in the sink. "Well, detective, to bed?"

Mimi nodded, pulled her sweatpants off. "Just remember to hide the porn, next time." Mimi grinned crawling into bed, flinging the duvet over her outstretched legs. "Or show it to me and we can watch together."

Sven nodded. "Okay. You see, this is why I'd be a shit criminal."

"I know." Mimi teased, "That said, I know how important alone time is sometimes. I'm not angry about that bit; not just porn, but generally. You should schedule some more boys' nights like the old days. I don't want them to think I have a monopoly on you."

Sven took a gulp of water. "I should. You don't find me disgusting, then?" he asked.

"Of course not, silly." Mimi picked up her cup, sipped. "Unless you want me to." She winked.

"Ha. Maybe. Sometimes." Sven blushed, cracking the spine on his book. "It's actually hotter because I know you care about me."

"I like the thought of humiliating you and you getting all hot and sweaty about it." She mused, her cheek pressed against his shoulder, the mug balanced on her chest. "All those cute noises you make." She watched him look away, back out into the night, didn't have to ask what he was thinking. "Don't get embarrassed just yet." She shifted her weight, sat up again, planted the mug on to the side table with a loud thunk. "You'll ruin all of the fun."

He pulled her towards him, planting a kiss on her mouth that oozed need, happiness glowing through his veins, electric. "Of all the gin joints in all the towns, in all the world." He laughed, another kiss landed on her neck.

Mimi finished the quote for him, her lip curled upward, "She walks into mine."

They laughed.

"Actually, Mister, it was you who walked into mine, not the other way around."

Sven shrugged, "It feels like no time and all the time since I met you."

"Who'd have thought?" Mimi said, "All those waitresses just mooning over you boys with guitars and I ended up with you." She laughed.

"I used to think you hated me." Sven whispered. "Thought I was an asshole."

Mimi nodded, propped herself on her arm. "I did. I thought you were a cocky little shit."

"Thanks a lot." He sighed, "Though, in fairness, I maybe was, a little."

"Like a fine wine you have got better with age." She kissed his cheek. "Imagine what you'll be like at 36 or 40 or 75."

Sven shrugged. "We'll probably hate each other by then."

"Probably." Mimi conceded, "Bitching at each other all the time. Separate televisions, separate rooms. I might even get a toy-boy."

"Ohhh." Sven closed his eyes, his book falling into his lap. "Do not start this; you know this is pig-boy crack. Please don't put that thought in my head."

"But that's exactly why." Mimi giggled, "I wouldn't do it but getting you to struggle at the thought is pretty hot, isn't it?"

Sven moaned. "It might be."

"Well, either way." Mimi grinned, "I want to be old and cranky and flatulent with you. And you're not a pig boy. Much."

"I look forward to it." Sven's arm curled around her, the rolling in his stomach calming, the insects dying away. "You have no idea how much I look forward to it. Don't think I'm being funny about the kink." He sighed, held her close, trying to calm the thoughts in his mind. "You know I love you, don't you?"

" I do." Mimi kissed him, their bodies pressed together under the blankets, a soup of limbs and laughter and wondering hands. Mimi smiled. "You know how I keep saying that I don't want you to feel bad about your kinks?" she asked.

"Yup." He answered.

" Good, because I want them now. Want you. Want to do all of those things you think about." Mimi stroked his face.

"Oh really?" Sven's eyebrow raised, he smirked. "And what, pray tell, would they be?"

"Better than that book, that's for sure." Mimi smiled, pulling him closer. Sven laughed, laying flat out, tossing the book away.

"Is that so?"

Mimi nodded, her elbows propped on his chest. "Yes, I've read that book. Very dull."

"Don't say that. I think it's pretty good." He kissed her on the mouth.

"This will be better." She sat up, straddling him, pulling her t-shirt over her head. "Leave the light on."

Sven pulled his hand away then lay back, watching her green eyes glitter, the white squares of her teeth push into her bottom lip.

"You know just how hot it makes you when you get told what a greedy little slut your are for wanting it?"

Sven grinned, "Uh-huh."

"So I want you to feel positively disgusting right now." Mimi kissed him, her mouth gentle against his. "I want your desperate, little cock hard for me." she said, her legs splayed out awkwardly. "Do you remember, when we first started dating how embarrassed you were of this?"

Sven nodded, his hand sinking between Mimi's legs, making her grind against his searching fingers. "Mmhm."

"And all that time, you never told me that you saw a pro. Tut tut." Mimi grinned, watching his eyes flash open, his hand pull away.

"Oh no, no, no." He said, his head shaking, please don't. Don't use this against me."

Mimi laughed, her arms sliding over his chest. "Oh yes." she asserted, "I'm going to use it to get your dick hard." Her hands slid forward, reaching under the elastic of his boxers, tense against the back of her hand. "Looks like I won't have to do much." She sighed. "You're already halfway there." Mimi kissed his temple, twisting forward to edge down his underwear, pulling free his hardening member. "So easy." She laughed. He wriggled, pushing at the bunched up fabric.

"Mimi, please..." the words tailed off as he looked up at her smiling face, her deep sea eyes. "Oh, I...." he laughed, moaned with frustration.

"Oh, boo-hoo." Mimi laughed and sank down next to him. "A little bit embarrassing, is it?" she pouted, her fingers curling around his cock. "Yes, poor baby," she sing songed like a siren on the rocks, delighting in his descent into the depths. "Oh...there..." her hand worked between his thighs, making him mewl, whining into the pillow, the air hissing between his teeth. "You see." She sighed, "Such a shame junkie, aren't you?" her hand sped up, a familiar rhythm that lit up every nerve in his body, made his gut hollow and his backside tingle for the touch of her hand or the sting of a cane. In the dark behind his eyes, Sven longed for the softness of her flesh pressed against his lips, Mimi's prying tongue, her skin, the bitterness of her cunt.

Mimi's fingers pressed into his thigh as she moved herself on the bed, stretching backward. For a few moments she said nothing, merely watched him, her eyes flickering over his skewed underwear, delighting in the sound of his ragged breathing as she pulled them off, let them fall to the floor.

"Please." He sighed, "Gngh. I can't, I-"

"But you can, sugar." Mimi cooed. "You always do." Her hand landed on his thigh, tantalisingly close to his erection. "For me you always do."

Sven moaned again, giving her a sidelong look that said everything, that didn't quite translate to words. Mimi kissed him on the mouth, her hand still pressed against his yielding flesh. With her other hand she reached out and hit the switch on the wall; shadows jagged in front of them.

"No." He breathed.

"Go to sleep." Mimi said, crawling off him, settling against him in the dark.

"Oh, this is not fair." He wailed. "You can't just-"

"Of course I can." Mimi purred. "I could do it all night if I felt like it." She kissed him on the cheek, her hand still working around his twitching member.

"You're grinning, aren't you?" he sighed. "I can feel it." Mimi nodded, he felt that too, moaned in response, the noise melting away as she kissed him again.

"What if I let go?" she mused, her hand drawing away from him. Her eyes adjusted in the dark and she watched the shadowy outline of his body push upward. "No." she chided. "Be patient."

"Stop." Sven sat up, pulling away from her, switched on the lamp. "I'm sorry, I can't." He bent over, his head in his hands, Mimi's face twisting up behind him.

"What?" she pulled herself nearer, sliding across the sheets on her knees, curling her arm around his shoulder. "Sweetheart, what's wrong?" Mimi rubbed his arm, panic rising through her. She kicked it back, tried to stay calm for him and then, realised. "Baby, don't feel bad." She whispered, her voice soft. "It's okay. I understand you still feel bad about this. I was only playing around." Mimi kissed his shoulder. "I'm going to get you some tea."

Sven said nothing, nodded, giving her a sideways smile. "Okay." He frowned, feeling that awful tangle for shame and frustration pulling in closer, like being trapped beneath ice or some soundproof room with the walls moving in. Though, in his thoughts he was less Indiana Jones and more bumbling sidekick. He stood and realised his legs were shaking, his palms falling flat against the window ledge. Under his breath, he cursed, thought about the bored impatience that Lauren had given him, the dominatrix in Geneva and how he'd sat and looked out at the silent fields in Rivaz, shame rolling through him. Behind that there came a glinting arc of anger rising and snapping, snarling outward in the dark, a growling breath against the cold glass. He rolled his shoulders, pulled on his boxers again, shuffled through the darkened living room to the dim light of the kitchen and there, to Mimi.

Silently, she pulled him close, her head rested against his chest. "You need a jumper." She looked up at him, smiled. "You're shaking."

"It's not the cold."

"I know but get one." She said again, nodding towards the bedroom. "Your tea is nearly done." The kettle boiled behind her, the roll of the water thundering in the silence. Beyond the window, there was the sound of traffic, something that had always struck Sven as desperately sad late at night, as though everyone was leaving and never coming back. He shook his head, turned back to the bedroom, returned with an old drab beige sweater, the sleeves pulled down around his hands.

Mimi patted the sofa, turned on the lamp. "Sit here, lie out if you like." She watched him sink down then handed him the steaming cup. "It's hot but you might want to take it. Warm yourself up." She pushed his hair from his eyes, her hand sinking to his back, rubbing gently.