As It Seems Ch. 07

Thank you all for your patience, I plan to submit more regularly since things in my world have calmed down some, so thank you again and enjoy!

©Chapter 7

Alexa didn't know how long she lay furled in the tight ball or how long she stared into the darkness biting her finger. She could not let thoughts of Conner manipulate her body anymore. She faced the window blankly watching the dark skylight turn into a sickly depressing gray.

She always hated the transition from night to morning it was the loneliest time of day. The world around her waking up and she was curled into a pathetic ball, her body craving a man she couldn't have, a man who ran like the Texas winter hot and cold with a blink an eye.

Her knees pulled closer to her breasts her hands under her cheek. She traded her finger for her lip and chewing until she tasted blood. Why him of all the men on earth, why was it him? She thought back to the handful of time she had sex with Markus. The first time he hurt her she thought she saw pride in his eyes like hurting her was a testament to his manhood. She shuddered, after that he seemed to always want it she did everything to avoid being with him; arguing, crying, bullying, anything. He tried the same tactics to get her in bed again.

Would Connor be like that? Would he feel like more of a man if he hurt her? Something deep inside her said no. She closed her eyes against the first rays of sunlight. The bright light warmed her melting away some of the loneliness some of the frustration of not being a complete woman even some of the anger from last night.

She sat up pulling her knees and resting her cheek on them, watching the birds nesting in the tree across from her window. She smiled sadly wondering if birds ever didn't want to be birds? Do they fly to out run who and what they are? Would she ever be OK in her own skin? Was the past always going to stain her making her doubt and fear everyone and everything?

Alexa could usually push thoughts like that out of her head. She pushed them to the back of her mind like an unwanted Christmas gift, like so many thoughts and memories. She could even feel memories of her mommy try to break out to the surface and those thoughts were so far back they never saw the light of day. All because some asshole showed her what release was. She never anticipated that something like an orgasm could open the floodgates to so many questions and fears and worst of all, scariest of all hope.

She turned her head away from the window staring at the cell phone vibrating and singing to her. She laughed softly a surprising half sob half giggle as the lyrics caught her attention.

I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think
so
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so
I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think
so
Turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so

I've got your picture, I've got your picture
I'd like a million of them all 'round my cell
I want the doctor to take your picture
So I can look at you from inside as well
You've got me turning up and turning down and turning in and
turning 'round

"Fucking Jana," she muttered answering. "You bitch!"

"What?" Janice sounded surprised and a little distracted.

"I think I'm a turning Japanese? Really Janabelle?"

"You think you are what?-Ohh-Ohh-yeah, sorry." By the giggle on the other end of the phone Alexa was sure her friend wasn't sorry about it at all.

"Why that song?"

"Payback," she could see Bella shrugging on the other end of the phone.

"What for?"

"That crack you made about all the japanime I watch."

"Look bitch, I was just warning you of all the dangers associated with watching so many of those cartoons. I don't want you crying to me if you wake as Sailor Moon or something." Alexa said laughing as she left the bed to sit by the window, "besides isn't that song about…" She couldn't bring herself to say it. It also didn't help when an image of Connor working his fingers in her burned itself in her mind.

"Masturbation?" Janabelle laughed pulling Alexa from the constant path of her thoughts.

"Well yeah," she mumbled feeling the heat rise I her cheeks as she covered her face.

"Nope, it's about a guy obsessing over a picture of his ex."

Alexa snorted, "You would know something like that."

"Whatever chick, I was just calling to let you know I'll be over in about ten minutes."

"Okay, oh will you ask Gauge if he wants to have game night here. He can cook or we can order in." She really just didn't want to be left alone with Connor-Nathan what the fuck ever he wanted to call himself, and game night would be perfect. Game night usually turned into a slumber party, not that Gauge would leave her alone with Connor if asked him to stay.

Alexa noted Bella's silence; she pulled the phone away from her to make sure she was still on the line. "Bella?"

"I-um-I can't-I'm not with Gauge I-"Bella cleared her throat, "I went home."

"Why?" Alexa was confused Janabelle spent as much time away from home as possible, especially weekends, mostly with Gauge. "Was your dad home?" She asked softly a chill running up her back when she heard a noise on the other end; she assumed it was a nod. "Bella," she gave a chastising sigh, "Are you okay?"

No answer just the sound of Bella's deep quickening breath, "Bella are you alright?" She asked again a desperate panic making her voice harsh and breathy.

"Yes," the answer was soft and simple, so small and sweet, so like the girl who answered. The lie hung heavy between the two friends straining the silence. Alexa heard a click on the other end of the call; it was obviously an incoming call on Bella's end. She wondered if it was Gauge checking in on her. Alexa wasn't sure what happened between those two, neither would tell her. She knew it had to be pretty big for Janabelle to prefer to be home alone with her Dad.

"I'll see you in a few," Bella tried to sound cheerful but her voice was heavy and sad.

"See you," Alexa said absently to the dial tone. She sat in the widow watching the breeze ruffle tree leaves pulling the weaker ones from the comfort of their home while the stronger seemed to reach out trying to grab hold keeping them in place. Her eyes trailed down the tree, she didn't want to think about loss or trying to hold on, she didn't want to think.

Her eyes narrowed then widened at the large figure hunching under the tree wearing a black skull cap, his blonde curls peaking out from underneath. The darkness of the cap made the blonde more pronounced, how many women asked her to create that color for them, or curls like that. She laughed at herself, as her hand throbbed instantly. No, she wouldn't be creating colors or curl for anyone anytime soon or possibly ever again.

She pulled her wrist close to her heart; she might not be able to do much in general. She thought with a long sigh, her heart and pulse humming a beat through her body.

She tried to turn her gaze but she couldn't, she could see his eyes squinting as smoke danced up; she could even still see the aggressive blue his eyes took on. She wondered what he was thinking about, she wondered if she could ever face him, and those brilliant eyes. Alexa took her time studying him, his long straight nose flaring slightly now and red like the sharp angles of his cheeks. His full pink lips pursed to accept the cigarette, there was a certain masculine grace as he brought it to his lips, his hand almost cupping his mouth, and then pulling it way after a long drag. He let out a long exhale pushing the poison out only to breath it back in. She watched this tango for she didn't know how long. He seemed on edge, constantly scanning his surroundings like he expected someone or something to show up. He wouldn't "work" here with her and the kids, maybe he wouldn't care that she was there but the kids he wouldn't do that…would he?

She didn't think so. She couldn't seem to find any bad thoughts about him, despite last night and that scared her, he scared her. She watched his shoulders hunch as another bout of wind cut through the air; he shook off the cold like a dog shaking off the rain, making her laugh. She was so caught up in watching Connor she almost missed the tiny knock at her door. She frowned in thought it couldn't be Janabelle, she would have seen her coming besides Janabelle would have stopped to talk to Connor. She went to the door thinking about the numerous conversations Janabelle started with complete strangers and she was sure Connor wouldn't be an exception.

Alexa squealed with happiness when she saw her little man rubbing sleep from his eyes, It was so early in the morning she didn't even consider either of the kids being awake. "Baby!" she got on her knees pulling him into a tight hug, feeling absurd as tears sprung into her eyes. "Oh I missed you so much," she pulled back to study him inspecting to see how he changed in the two weeks since she last saw him. She recognized him; he was almost the splitting image of Connor. Her heart fluttered at the thought, "I missed you too," his voice was so small he sounded so hurt, "why haven't you come to see me?" she could hear the tears in his voice and it broke her heart.

"I-" she couldn't tell him the truth he was so small and innocent, he shouldn't be in the middle of adult arguments no matter how juvenile they were. "C'mon sweetie lets get some breakfast." She said barely able to control the trimmer in her voice.

They went down stairs hand in hand, she wanted to pick him up swinging him in her arms, and her wrist protested the thought.

"So why don't you want to see us anymore? Mommy says-"Alexa tensed wondering what kind of poison his mommy was spreading, she knew it was bad because he paused and wouldn't look her in the eye and he was reluctant to continue. He took a deep breath and she squeezed his hand tenderly letting her love flow into him. "She says you're selfish and you're only using us to make her mad." Alexa shouldn't have been surprised or hurt it wasn't the first time Jenny used the kids against her. If Jennifer was good at nothing else it was manipulating those around her. Alexa wondered what could have happened to Jenny to make her so…hateful. "She says you can't love us because we are part of her and if you hate her then you have to hate us." His childish voice and logic sounding way beyond his years.

Alexa thought of when David introduced her to the family. How excited she was to have a sister; someone she could talk to confide in someone who would understand what it was like to be crushed by the family's good intentions. Alexa was happy for the sudden shift in the balance of power three against two, because David was just as bad as Papa when it came to protecting the women in the family. Jennifer was supposed to be an ally, Mama Hadrian hate Jennifer when she first saw her and Papa kept his opinion to himself. But Alexa was too excited to see the gleam or malice excreting from Jen's aura.

Alexa sighed sadly, what should she say? She knew how it felt to not think you were good or worthy because you were half of someone else. How many times had she wondered if her mother's destiny was in her blood, how many times had she wondered if she would share the same fate? Is that what Daniel worried about? Was he worried he would be like his mother, try as Alexa might to save him from the negativity he lived here, he was a perceptive watchful little boy.

"Your mommy is…" she tried to search for the right words some sort of middle ground without turning Jenny into a bad person in her child's eyes. "Jenny-your mommy-shouldn't tell you things like that-"

"Lady who the fuck do you think you are!" She jumped out of her skin when she heard the door slam and Connor's voice spit fire. "Who the fuck are you to tell my sister's kid-"

"Who the fu-who do you think you are yelling at me and listening to a conversation that has nothing to do with you!" She stood her voice even. She stepped in front of Daniel, to shield him, protect him from Connor's anger.

"Go upstairs," She turned slightly to assure Daniel was okay. He looked scared and she wanted to reach out and tell him it was okay, but she didn't trust turning away from Connor.

"Now!" Connor barked his eyes never leaving Alexa's. Daniel stood slowly; he didn't want to leave his Zia. He didn't know his uncle Nathan that well, he seemed nice, but now he was scared for his Ann-Alley, that's what he called her before he learned to say Zia. Would His uncle hurt her like that last boyfriend she had? What should he do? Call his dad? Call His Nonno Joe?

"Don't raise your voice to him!" Alexa growled, "Go upstairs Daniel." She said again offering him a reassuring rub on the back as he got up. He was a big boy; he kept thinking to keep his lip from trembling. He was a big boy and he would go make sure Clara was okay. On his way he heard Alexa's phone singing, "hey squirt where's your auntie?" He sobbed relief when he heard Gauge's voice. "What's up kid?" Gauge tried to sound calm; Daniel crying was a big deal. He called to see if Janabelle was over there, since she wasn't answering his calls. He pulled on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans while Daniel calmed down enough to tell him what happened. "Did your uncle hurt Alexa?"

"N-no-I-don't know they just yelling, n-now," he sniffled.

"Don't worry squirt, I'm on my way, stay on the phone okay." Daniel nodded, "you know I was gonna make pizza for dinner tonight did you want to help me." Gauge searched for neutral topics of conversation to keep Daniel on the phone and calm.

"Y-yeah, that's my zia's favorite."

"I know, don't worry kid." Gauge said ask he started his car.

Janabelle knocked on the door, no answer. She rang the bell, no answer. She pulled out the key David made for her when she was Alexa's primary caretaker after her wrist was broken. Bella knocked one more time, she hated using the key, jenny always got pissed no matter how many times Bella knocked or wrung the door bell. Bella knew what type of person Jenny was and after Alexa's wrist was broken proved it. Janabelle would come by to help take care of her and she would have to wait outside for God knows how long; once for an hour. And when she called to see if anything was wrong Jenny picked up saying that Alexa wasn't there and that she forgot her phone. Then Jenny would turn around and tell Alexa that Bella never showed or called.

She didn't know what was wrong with Jenny or why she did stuff like that, maybe it was to get attention. She seemed like one of those girls who had everything but wanted more, mostly more drama. She'd say anything; do anything to get the proverbial spotlight put on her. Janabelle frowned at the door. Did she just hear screaming? What the hell?

She rushed into what sounded like World War III.

"Fuck you! You don't know not one Goddamn thing about this family! How the hell are you going to come in here and tell me anything! I've been here! Where have you been?" she heard Alexa ranting. It was hard to tell where the noise was coming from, the shouting vibrating through the house making pictures on the wall rattle and creating ominous echoes.

"Fuck you too, sweetheart! And I know enough, who the fuck do you think you are contradicting that boy's mother!" Bella jumped at the power and heat behind the second voice. Holy hell this was trouble. She wished she hadn't snuck out of Gauge's apartment last night. She wished he was there with her. She took a deep breath and determined the shouting was coming from the kitchen.

If it wasn't scary it would have been funny. Alexa standing nose to chest with some giant glaring up at him her finger jabbing at him, said giant's finger pointing in her face.

"Maybe if his mother wasn't a trifling instigator, but why am I talking to a no good street thug like you? Why would I be surprised that Jenny would have an asshole like you in her family, you are all a perfect fucking match-"

"Whoa!" Janabelle jumped between them, nope not so funny anymore. She couldn't remember the last time Alexa lit into someone like that. "Back up!"

Connor glared down at the little girl pushing him and Alexa to separate corners. Who the fuck was she? He was about demand when he took a good look at her. She had a sweet open brown face. Her eyes were large almond saucers dominating her features. She gently pushed him away. He didn't know why he listened or why he let this little girl take over, he wondered if it was because he didn't see judgment. Funny how something so small as indiscrimination could move him. She didn't come in accusing or yelling, she just diffused the bomb of their argument. Connor walked away, brushing passed a tall skinny kid, staring at the three of them.

Alexa was shaking, she couldn't recall being so angry, so frustrated and…so wrong. She hated herself for the things she said to him. She ignored it but she witnessed the flicker of hurt spark his eyes. She crossed her arms over her chest to try and control her shivering and to protect herself from the pair of eyes staring at her.

"Are you okay?" Janabelle asked quietly, and Alexa nodded moving to stand in front of the kitchen window. She let out a shaky sigh as she splashed her face with cool water.

"You want to tell me what that was about?" Bella asked nodding her head to Gauge, silently telling him to check on the other victim of the argument offering him a grateful smile.

Alexa shrugged, she didn't trust her voice not to quiver. She bit her lip; she had to check on the kids. She knew if Clara wasn't awake before the fight she had to be awake now. She should have walked away from him, but he came in yelling and accusing her of turning Daniel against his mother. What was she supposed to do?

"I better-I better check on the kids." Flinching away form Jana belle's comforting touch.

Connor stood outside clutching his empty cigarette pack. He was still fuming; he should ring her fucking neck. What the fuck did she know about him or his family? Apparently more than he did. She was right, he hadn't been around, he didn't know anything about his family. And in turn his family didn't know anything about him, they didn't want to. They wrote him off he was a ghost, they didn't understand what he did, what he was doing, they didn't want to. They didn't want any fucking part of him, and as much as he tried to convince himself other wise it hurt.

Alexa saw that weakness and ripped into it. He wanted to blame her, to hate her but he couldn't. He witnessed the instant regret beneath the fire of her eyes.

"Hey, man need a smoke?" that tall skinny kid he brushed passed a few seconds ago offered him one.

Connor eyed him wearily, before accepting, "thanks," He muttered nodding slightly as the kid offered him a light. They stood huddled in their own space for a few moments, neither one wanting or needing to make the effort to speak. Connor should have found it awkward or disturbing, if he were normal he would have. But he spent a great deal of time in stranger situations. They each just stood in their silent comradery.

Connor studied the kid. He was tall and lanky with long dark hair falling just passed his ears. He also had big round slate colored eyes. They were actually girl pretty, but there was a threatening toughness that lay underneath. He was sure guys took that girl prettiness for granted and ended up paying for it in the end. The kid had an honest face and his ears were decorated with spacer piercings in the lobe allowing Connor to see the world behind them.

The kid was obviously a skater, wearing a white thermal under his red t-shirt and pair tight black jeans with a chain holding his wallet. The kid studied him too openly curious, as though trying to figure something out. Connor felt naked under his gaze and forced him self not to fidget. He forced himself to remain cool and detached, and then the kid did something he never expected. He broke into a wide goofy grin, reminding him of The Geek Terry. He could see that he, just like Terry could brighten or make a joke out of any situation.