Asking Ellie - May Outbyabroadsword©
As told by Horace Mandrake
"I took near four months to pluck up the courage to ask Ellie - May out and finally when I asked her she turned me down flat, she was eighteen and sort of beautiful, so it wasn't no big deal, hell near every other half beautiful girl had done the same, I never even asked the real beautiful ones like Emma Hart, Jeana Ransome or even Lisa Winebecker the drugstore owner's daughter who was going to Hollywood Nebraska to be a big star, all gorgeous but way out of my league so it was Ellie - May who turned my life on its head.
See Ellie - May never had no Papa, her momma Christie Falken she done brought Ellie - May up all on her lonesome and that ain't easy in Mornsburg North Minnesota.
All we got here's logging, you works on the logs or the railway or the store or in an office, me, I go college on account of my daddy he owns the biggest saw mill anywhere round and he said I had to go college on account of needing to read and write if I was to take on the company when he went off to Tampa Florida to be with Mitzy his secretary and get away from my Mom.
I never seemed to fit quite in, you know? Most all the other kids like got there cause they was real bright and I seemed to be the only guy doing basic English except a couple of retards who was trucked in from the county jail, fact is they said if my daddy hadn't dug deep and bought a new set of computers for the whole university I never would have been allowed within a country mile of the place.
It never bothered me none, I done college and in the afternoon after I done college I done tree felling and log rolling in the log pond and helped out around the saw mill, hell I never even found time to watch TV let alone get laid which weren't no bind since I couldn't find no girl as would go out with me in any case.
Thing was though when I asked Ellie - May out she never turned me down flat but instead her momma went and sent for me to see her.
She said come Tuesday afternoon, now that was Ellie - May's art lesson day and her momma, Miss Christie Faulken's, half day working in the dispatcher's office at daddy's saw mill.
I went up there that afternoon, I had a clean shirt and pants on and polished my boots and right on two I banged her front door.
"Hey," she shouted, "You'll break my door!"
"Sorry mam," I says, "I just don't know my own strength."
"No, well come in and sit down, carefully," she said, and she showed me to her parlour, the house was old and small and pretty much wore out.
"Helll, you still got an old CRT TV!" I said, "Hell and ain't that windows 98 on your computer!"
"Mr Mandrake!" she said.
"Call me Hoarse," I said.
"Horse?" she said, "Why in the hell should I call you Horse?"
"Its my name, H-O-R-A-C-E, Hoarse," I explained.
"Oh dear god, how can one person be so stupid all on their own?" she asked.
"I guess its easier because they only got one brain?" I suggested.
"Maybe," she said, "Maybe, anyway, Hoarse, you want to court my little girl?" she asked, "Right."
"Well sort of," I said, "Really all I want to do is fuck with her, see I asked just about every other girl and they turned me down."
"Oh lord give me strength," she said.
"I never knew you was religious Miss Faulken," I said.
"How can I explain," she said, "I know, and she went and got her hunting rifle, "See this is a point three oh three rifle, it can blow the balls off a man at near on a mile range, do you understand?" she asked.
"Is it any good for shooting ducks?" I asked.
"For pities sake Hoarse," she said, "I've struggled to bring Ellie-May up the right way, she never had a father,"
"What never?" I asked.
"Never," she said.
"So how you get a kid?" I asked because the only other time that happened was the baby Jesus H Christ who was born in a livery stable in Bethlehem Colorado on Christmas day so my Daddy says though I reckon old Joseph had a bit to do with it.
"Look, I haven't had a man for nineteen years straight," Miss Faulken insisted, "Don't want one don't need one, so you understand?"
"Sure do Miss Faulken," I said, "I'm sorry, I guess it sounds disrespectful to want to fuck Ellie -May when you ain't getting none, but hell, you." I struggled to find the words, "Ain't no spring chicken, the years really ain't been kind to your face."
"I'm warning you!" she snapped and she raised the rifle.
"Hell, I meant, well I never meant," I said, "Ok you look good for fifty!"
"I'm thirty eight years old," she said, "Moron!"
"Well I don't know," I said, "Hell why ain't you had no guy when there's guys ready to shag an knot hole in a barn door they're so horny."
"You're something else Hoarse," she laughed, "Jesus are you ever stupid!"
"So are you Miss Faulken," I said "You got a busted up Chevette outside and a museum piece TV and there's guys what would fuck you for money with money in their pockets."
"Don't be an idiot!" she protested.
"I'd fuck you Miss Faulken," I offered, "And pay you money, fifty dollars maybe."
"You really are stupid," she said sadly, "Gee."
"No, straight up, I'd fuck you any time Miss Faulken," I said, "Hell jut thinking 'bout it's making me horny."
"No, you got it all wrong," she said sadly.
I stood up and dropped my pants, "No, I got the horn all right, you want to fuck?" I said as my shaft sprang up all solid and pink.
"Hoarse!" she protested, "No!"
"See there ain't no problem, you ain't that ugly Miss Faulken," I said and I gently wanked my cock as it sort if stuck up a foot or so all pink and sort of blue where the veins was.
She stared for maybe longer than she should have ,"For pities sake put it away!" she said.
"Hell, I need to spunk off," I said, "I can't get it back in my pants without!"
"Don't you dare!" she snapped.
"Maybe Ellie - May could ride my cock when she gets home," I suggested.
"Or I could blow your balls off with this," she said aiming the gun at me.
"Why would you do that? I asked
"Stop you riding my Ellie!" she explained,
"Look, I ain't no Moron," I said, "But I said I'd pay to fuck you, hell I'd pay you if you let me fuck with Ellie - May, cause I got to spunk before I can pull my pants up."
"Look, just stuff your tool down your pants leg," she suggested.
"It won't go," I said.
"All right already," Miss Faulken said, "I'll get you a bowl."
"What in the hell do I want that for?" I asked.
"To spunk off in of course," she said in annoyance, "Anything to get rid of you you moron!"
"Maybe you could help me cause I don't spunk too easy?" I said, "Maybe you could show me your tits or some such?" I suggested.
"I'll show you my goddamned gun if you don't get spunked and haul your pants up Hoarse," she said, "And that ain't no threat, that's a promise."
"Gun don't do nothing for me," I said, "Most times I spunk off to the internet, my dad got subscription to Hogtied," I told her, "You ever been hogtied Miss Faulken?"
"No!" she protested.
"I figured maybe you was hogtied when the guy fucked Ellie - May inside you?" I suggested.
"Hoarse, I don't even know what a hogtie is." she said.
"Hell its where the girl gets all tied up like a hogtied hog," I said, "So the guy can fuck righher no problem."
"That's rape Hoarse," Miss Faulken said.
"Hell, it ain't is it?" I asked, "I was fixing on getting Ellie - May hogtied so's I could fuck with her when I wanted, you know, like I could keep her hogtied in the barn."
"What!" she demanded.
"Hogtied in the barn," I said, "The girls on Hogtied just loves being hogtied in the barn and fucked by loads of guys."
"That's Movies Hoarse," Miss Faulken explained, "Don't you see real girls don't want to be treated mean."
"How they gonna get spunked then?" I asked.
"They lay down for you if they love you Hoarse," she said.
"Really," I asked
"Gee your mind is so fucked up," she said, "You come near Ellie - May and I'll blow you balls right off with my gun so help me god."
"You maybe give my cock a suck, help me get spunked so's I can pull my pants up?" I asked.
"Hoarse!" she squealed, "That's outrageous!"
"Gee Miss Faaulken," I said, "How else I gonna get spunked before Ellie - May comes home?"
"For heavens sake!" she snapped, "I'll get a feather duster, we'll try that."
She fetched the duster, "What goods that?" I asked so she flicked my cock with it.
"You like that?" she asked, hell I sure did.
"Um," I said, "That's sure good," I agreed, "You maybe do it some more?"
"If I must," she said and she set to flicking dust off of my cock except she must have real good eyesight because I never saw no dust.
I guess she must have liked playing with my cock because in no time at all the front door was open and in came Ellie - May, "Hi Momma, I'm; Fuck!" she said, "Hoarse Momma, what in the sweet name of Jesus are you doing.?"
"She's just spunking me Ellie - May," I said, "I was fixing on fucking with you but your momma said she would spunk me so's I can get my pants on instead."
"Fucking with me," Ellie - May demanded, "Where in the hell did you get that notion Hoarse?"
"No one else wants to fuck with me so I thought I would give you a call." I said, "I got money."
"He's a retard Ellie - May," her Momma said, "Damn I been fluffing his cock for an hour and an half and he still ain't spunked."
"Guess you're out of practice Momma," Ellie - May suggested "Maybe I could have a go."
"Now Ellie - May, you be careful," Miss Faulken chided, "That's how I fell for you, spunking off a boy and then next thing my skirt was round my waist and he was spunking inside of me."
"Can I spunk inside of you Miss Faulken," I asked.
"No way!" she replied.
"I got money!" I told her.
"He got money Momma," Ellie - May reminded her, "How much money you got Hoarse?"
"Ten dollars," I said.
"You got a AmEx?" she asked.
"Sure," I said.
"You got a thousand dollars credit?" Ellie - May asked.
"Sure do, platinum," I said, "Why?"
"You get us a nice TV," Ellie - May suggested, "And maybe Momma will let you spunk in her."
"Ellie - May!" Miss Faulken exclaimed.
"But Momma we need a TV," Ellie - May explained.
"You want a TV so bad you ball him!" Miss Faulken retorted.
"But Momma, he's a retard!" Ellie - May protested.
"Oh gee," I exclaimed and my tool was jerking and shooting and spunking like a fountain near enough.
"Uggh," Ellie - May gasped, "That is disgusting."
"Sorry, I really wanted to spunk in you Miss Faulken," I said, "How much I owe you?"
"I'm not a whore," she said, "I don't want your money Hoarse."
"Really?" I couldn't believe it, "Can I come visit again," I said, "You got a cloth to wipe my cock on?"
"Momma!" Ellie - May exclaimed, "What about my TV!"
"It's illegal to take money for spunking off boys," Miss Faulken explained.
"Well I'm not telling no one," Ellie - May insisted, "Can't we have a new TV Momma?"
"Ellie - May I am not spunking Hoarse just so that you can get a new TV!" Miss Faulken insisted.
"Then I'll spunk him!" Ellie - May insisted.
"You'll fuck with me?" I asked eagerly.
"No. I'll spunk you off, that's all," she said, "Damn you'd split me in two with that monster, it must be a foot long!"
"I never measured it," I said, "Only got a twelve inch ruler."
"You going to get me a TV then Hoarse?" Ellie - May enquired.
"I guess," I said, "I guess if you'll fuck with me I'll get you a TV."
"Hoarse, if I fuck with you I want a Honda Civic." Ellie - May insisted.
"Hell," I said, "Can I fuck with you then Miss Faulken," and she looked at me.
"Packard Bell computer and a new TV?" Miss Faulken said and she looked me square in the eyes.
"Sure thing, thirty two inch TV and," I says and Ellie - May jumped right in.
"Make it forty inch and you can ball me," Ellie - May exclaimed.
"Don't be a fool," Miss Faulken replied, "He'd tear you right in half, no you come upstairs right now Hoarse.
"Hell, I really ought to be going," I said, and I hauled up my pants and I just ran out that house and down the street, I was near home when I remembered I forgot the damned car.
I fetched it and went home, Momma was there, "Hi Momma," I said, "Momma, how much does a guy have to pay to get laid?"
Momma was real concerned, "Now look son, you shouldn't be fixing on getting laid, you find a nice girl, well, a girl, or maybe a girl as is getting on a bit and ain't a girl no more and well she can't be too choosey no more, maybe she got one leg or bind or something and you get and marry her and then when it's your wedding night it's too late."
"Momma?" I asked.
"Your cock was nigh on a foot long before you was out of short pants Hoarse," Momma said, "See girls say they want's a big cock but hell they don't mean no fourteen incher."
"But how much Momma?" I asked.
"Well son, a high class whore would want ten thousand dollars," Momma said, "And a low class whore she'd do it for a bag of dope and Mitzy Fernandez she'd do it for fifty thousand dollars a year."
"Momma?" I asked.
"Sure, yes I pays her to ball your Papa, he damn near splits me in half when he balled me," she said, "I pays Mitzy to ball your Papa and I pays Miguel Samosa to ball me."
"Miguel the pool man?" I asked.
"Sure," she said, "You surprised?"
"I wondered whey he come around so much when we ain't got no pool," I admitted, "That mean Mitzy ain't running off to Tampa Florida with Papa?"
"Doesn't look like it," Momma said sadly, "I'd move Miguel in like a shot if he did."
"But how much money should I pay Momma?" I asked.
"Depends how much she's asking," Momma suggested, "You got some whore in mind?"
"Ellie - May Faulken or her Momma maybe?" I said.
"Gee son, your setting your sights real high," Momma said, "But they is broke so try five hundred dollars, or maybe a new TV?"
"And which should I ball Momma?" I asked, "Ellie - May or her Momma?"
"Hell," Momma replied, "Ain't you never heard of a threesome Hoarse?"
"I guess so," I agreed, "On Bondage Babes TV."
"That's two guys Hoarse," Momma said, "I mean one guy and two girls?"
"Nope," I said.
"Me and your Papa used to get a whore in," Momma said, "Cheerleader maybe, for a threesome I done the loving she done the fucking, on account of your Papa getting so hard and horny he'd fuck me so hard I could hardly walk and then god damn it if I didn't fall for a goddamned Moron."
"Whose that Momma?" I asked.
"You you moron," she said, "Couldn't face having another after that." she said sadly."
"Gee," I said, "Momma, are we supposed to be doing fuck talk?" I asked.
"No harm in talking," Momma said, "Maybe your Papa should have told you fuck talk."
"He said I should hit on the most popular girl," I told her, "Emma Hart, Jeana Ransome, Lisa Winebecker maybe."
"Hahaha," Momma spluttered, "Hell she could have any guy in Mornsberg, she got offers to do movies down in Hollywood Nebraska."
"Ain't Hollywood Florida? I asked.
"Don't think so," Momma said, "Since when you been a Geographer?" what ever in the hell one of them is, "Anyway don't get chasing her make her chase you and be sure you use a condom or they'll be after you for alimony."
"Ok Momma," I said and I went out and cut up some wood so I wouldn't get horny.
I guess a week went by, and then my world flipped upside down again it wasn't planned but one afternoon I saw Ellie - May in the Library and I shouts across to her, "You give any thought to maybe fucking with me Ellie - May?" I says.
"Hoarse," she says as she blushes bright red, "Please, this is a library," as if that made any difference.
"Moma says Five hundred dollars or a new TV," I hollered.
"Hoarse!" she says and she comes rushing over, "Be quiet, I don't want everyone knowing I said I might fuck you," she says and whispered, "Momma says three thousand dollars."
"Three Thousand?" I said like I was shocked.
"And bring some Condoms." she said.
"Hell where do I get them?" I asked.
"Drugstore ," she said, "Moron!"
"Sure," I agreed, "Right, Condoms," and I went right out the door and ran down Fairlie and turned onto main street before I remembered I forgot that damned car again.
Winebecker's owned the Drugstore, that's Lisa Winebecker's papa and Lisa was about the most beautifullest cheer leaders there was in Mornsville, like I said way away out of my league entirely, Lisa's Momma was there in the store when I went in, a blonde haired woman I'd known since I was a kid, like a smaller older version of Lisa.
I couldn't see no Condoms nowhere, "You got some," I asked nervously, and Mrs Winebecker she glared at me, "Asprin?"
"Sure," she said, "We got 'Asprin,' small, medium, large, ribbed, strawberry flavour, black."
"Strawberry Asprin?" I asked pretty dumbly.
"You're a boy, Hoarse Mandrake, you don't want Asprin, you want Condoms, boys only go in drugstores for Condoms." she said, "Not for Asprins or toothbrushes or shaving soap your mother buys that, but she don't buy you Condoms, what size?"
"Fourteen inch," I said.
"Oh really," she said all sarcastically, "Have some medium."
"That take fourteen inches?" I asked.
"Hoarse," she said, "You know when you measured it?" she asked.
"Sure," I agreed.
"One side of the ruler is centimeters and the other inches, you try again using inches, fourteen centimeters, that's average."
"I'll take extra large," I told her.
"Hey Lisa," Momma Winebecker hollered, "Where's the extra large Condoms."
Lisa opened the store room door, "What for?" she asked.
"Hoarse Mandrake," her Momma replied.
Lisa stared at me, "Why?" she asked.
"I figure I need it," I said.
"Hoarse, you need a extra large condom like a horse needs a cell phone," Lisa laughs, "But I guess the extra large are upstairs someplace."
She laughed at me and I stared at her.
She was beautiful, Lisa, she wore perfume and you know a fancy brassiere and a short skirt and a top maybe three sizes too small so you could see her tits busting out of them and the skirt was so short you could see her knickers and knickers so tight you could see if she shaved her pubes and sheer stockings and.
"Hoarse, stop drooling," Momma Winebecker said as my cock went hard.
I wiped my mouth, "Sorry," I said.
"Momma," Lisa said nervously as she stared at my waist, "I guess he maybe does need extra large."
"Oh dang!" I said and my cock was pushing up past my trouser belt and peeking out where my shirt weren't done up.
"Oh!" said Momma Winebecker, "Gee, I reckon he might need extra extra large Lisa," she said, "Hell he's hung like a porno stud!"
"Gee Momma!" Lisa gasped, "It's huge!"
Lisa's Momma stared, "Ah, Hoarse, maybe you want to come through the store room so we can maybe measure you up?"
"I measured," I said.
"Sure," said Lisa's Momma, "But we need to check before, before, well in case we sell you the wrong size."
I went out back with Lisa an Mrs Winebecker closed the store, I kind of thought that was odd seeing as there was still folks looking round but I figured they knew what they was doing, and then she come in the store room and shut the door.
"Just drop your pants and breathe in," Momma Winebecker suggested.
"You sure," I asked, she sort of nodded so I done like she said and dropped my pants and shorts, my tool just reared up like a snake charmer's snake all pink and eager.
"And your shirt," Lisa said so I slipped that off too.
"Momma!" Lisa said.
"Holy shit!" her Momma exclaimed, "That's a fourteen inch cock all right."
"Jesus," Lisa exclaimed "That's bigger that Joey-Lou Bayliss and Tom Rogers combined."
"That's one hell of a cock," Momma Wineberg agreed, "Hell a real live monster cock."
I stood there like a fool, "You going to measure it?" I asked.
"Gee Momma," Lisa said awkwardly, "I never see one that big before, not in real life, it's like them Hollywood stars got."