Awakenings Ch. 01

Ruth stared at me for a moment, but then she nodded and said; "Certainly." Ruth wasn't only a good secretary, she was a close friend.

I went into my office and closed the door. As I was taking off my suit coat, the door opened and Ruth walked in.

"Michael I've been your secretary for eighteen years. Our families have taken vacations together. Your girls used to babysit for my kids. Jeanne and I are like sisters. If you're having a disagreement with her you have to try to resolve it. The only way to do that is to talk to her."

Shaking my head, I looked at Ruth and said; "I don't think this problem can be resolved."

"Of course it can. Everything can be resolved. You just have to try."

"Ruth, last night Jeanne went out on a date with another man."

Ruth stared at me for a second and then she said; "You mean a business dinner. So what? You sometimes have to entertain female clients."

"No Ruth, this was a date. They had sex."

"What? I don't believe it. Jeanne wouldn't do that."

"Believe me, she did exactly that."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, her boyfriend picked her up at our house at 6:30 last night. Before they got into his car, he actually kissed Jeanne on the lips in our front yard."

"You saw that?"

"I watched from the front window."

"Why didn't you stop her?

"I tried. I asked her not to go and when she did go I told her that I'd be gone when she got home. Ruth, I'm not going to physically restrain Jeanne. She's an adult. She gets to make her own choices, but so do I. If she wants to date other men, she's going to do it without the man she's been married to for twenty-six years."

"She really did that?"

"Yes."

"When she calls again, can I talk to her?"

"I can't think of any reason that you shouldn't."

"All right; when she calls, how do you want me to handle it for you?

"Do exactly what I instructed you to do earlier, tell her that I'm unavailable."

Ruth returned to her desk. I sat down at mine and tried to work. It was impossible to concentrate. Setting my work aside, I focused my attention on the problem that was monopolizing my thoughts. My wife was sleeping with another man. What was I going to do about it?"

I started my search for solutions by trying to brainstorm possible options. The first of course was to cut all ties with my philandering wife and never talk to her again. That was one extreme. The other was to accept her fling and continue living with her while trying to be oblivious to what she was doing.

I thought about those two choices. The second wasn't an option. There wasn't any possibility that I could sit at home patiently waiting while my wife was out having sex with another man.

The first choice wasn't much more palatable. I loved Jeanne. We'd spent twenty-six wonderful years together. She was the mother of our children. The thought of spending the rest of my life without her was devastating.

There had to be third option. I stared at the wall, thinking. Why was Jeanne doing this? Was she in love with this Derek guy? Was I a dud in bed? Had I been a terrible husband? Had she decided that she didn't love me anymore? Was this some kind of midlife crisis? It could have been any of those reasons and there were probably other explanations too. I didn't know and that disturbed me. Finally I came to the conclusion that I didn't understand. I needed to know more and there was only one way to get more information, talk to Jeanne.

Just as I was reaching that conclusion, Ruth walked back into my office. "Michael, I just finished talking to Jeanne."

I looked at her.

Shaking her head, she said; "I don't know what's gotten into that woman. Somehow she's decided that having sex with another man isn't a big deal."

I sighed. "Now maybe you understand the agony I'm going through."

Ruth nodded. "Yes, I'm sorry. If David started sleeping with another woman I'd be devastated."

"Thank you."

"What are you going to do?"

Smiling, I said; "Believe it or not, I'm going to try to talk to her."

"You are?"

"Yes, I might be crazy; but before I can do anything I need to try to understand what's happened to our lives."

"Actually, that does make sense." Ruth was slowly nodding. "What can I do to help?"

"Get her on the phone."

"Right now?"

"Can you think of any reason to wait?"

"No I can't, I'll call her."

Ruth left my office. A minute later my phone rang.

I picked it up. It was Ruth. "Michael, I have Jeanne on line one."

I said, "Thank you Ruth" and then I pushed the button for line one and said, "Hello Jeanne."

"Michael?"

"Yes Jeanne, it's me."

"Michael, you're blowing this way out of proportion. Now grow up and come home."

I hung up.

A minute later my phone rang again. I picked it up. "Yes Ruth."

"Jeanne on line one."

"Thank you Ruth." I pushed the button for line one.

"Michael?"

"Yes Jeanne."

"How dare you hang up on me."

I hung up again only this time I dialed Ruth's extension. "Ruth?"

"Yes Michael."

"If Jeanne calls again tell her I'm unavailable."

"I gather you didn't make much progress."

"Nope."

"Gonna try again later?"

"Of course, but she needs a little time to put things into perspective."

I waited. After two hours I called Ruth. "Have you heard from Jeanne?"

Laughing, Ruth said; "Just every ten minutes."

"Sorry about putting you through this."

"Michael, you're a great employer; not just for me, but for everyone who works here. Right now you need some help. I'm just glad that I'm in a position to give it to you."

"Thanks Ruth, I won't forget this."

"Don't even think about it. You've done plenty for David and me. Hell you loaned us the down payment for our house. Now, what do you want me to do about Jeanne?"

"The next time she calls put her through."

"You got it boss."

Five minutes later my telephone rang. I picked it up. It was Ruth. "Michael, Jeanne's on line one."

I pressed the button for line one. "Michael Nolan."

"Michael, please don't hang up."

"Are you going to keep yelling at me?"

Jeanne yelled, "Are you going to start being reasonable?"

I hung up and immediately dialed Ruth. "Give me another hour."

"She's still not ready to talk?"

"Apparently not."

After an hour my phone rang again. It was Ruth. "Michael, Jeanne's on line one."

"Thanks Ruth, put her through."

When my telephone rang I picked it up and said; "Yes Jeanne."

"Michael are we going to talk about this?"

"Whenever you're ready."

"I've been ready for hours. You haven't been willing to talk to me."

"No Jeanne, you've spent the morning telling me to grow up and accept what you're doing. Clearly, I'm not willing to do that."

There was a moment of silence and then Jeanne asked; "Why, I've made it clear that I still love you."

"If you still love me, why did you choose to humiliate me in front of the neighbors last night."

"Micheal, I'm sorry about that. I never should have let Derek pick me up at the house. That was wrong. I don't know what I was thinking. I apologize. We've already talked about it. From now on I'll meet him."

"Jeanne, you let him kiss you on our front lawn and don't try to tell me that it was just a kiss on the cheek. I saw it. He took you in his arms and kissed you like a lover and you kissed him back."

There was another moment of silence and then Jeanne asked; "You saw that?"

"Of course I saw it Jeanne. A man came to our house to pick up my wife for a date. Did you think I wouldn't be watching from the front window?"

"No, I...Michael I don't know what I was thinking."

"Jeanne, you made out with him on our front lawn."

"I'm sorry Michael. That was another mistake. I was excited and when Derek kissed me I kind of lost my cool."

"That wasn't the first time you kissed him like that, was it Jeanne?"

My wife was silent again.

"Jeanne?"

"No." She answered in a barely audible whisper.

"I see. Well, I guess that shouldn't be a surprise. This didn't just come out of the blue."

"Micheal please understand, it's just a silly little fling. It doesn't mean anything."

"Are you trying to tell me that the kiss on our front lawn wasn't romantic?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm trying to tell you." Jeanne's voice sounded hopeful.

"Okay, so tell me about your date."

"Michael, it wasn't a date. I keep trying to explain that to you."

"So you just went straight to the motel."

"Well no, of course not. We had to get something to eat first."

"So, where did you go, Denny's?"

"Certainly not, I was all dressed up."

"Yes, I noticed that. You even got your hair done and bought a new dress. It's been a long time since you did that for me Jeanne."

"Michael!"

"What Jeanne?"

"Why are you making this so difficult."

"Me making it difficult? You're the one who's dating another man."

"I'm not dating Derek, this is just a harmless fling."

"I don't know Jeanne. You got your hair done, bought a new dress and he took you out to eat. It sure sounds like a date to me."

"Okay, maybe it was a date, but so what. It wasn't romantic."

"Okay, so it wasn't romantic. If he didn't take you to Denny's then you must have gone to MacDonalds."

"Of course not, don't be silly."

"So where did he take you?"

There was a pause. After a moment Jeanne asked, "Why is that important?"

"I think the restaurant he chose says a lot about his intentions."

"That's ridiculous. Derek knows that we're just getting together for a fling."

"If that's the case, why are you hesitating to tell me where you had dinner."

"Okay, if you must know, he took me to the Kensington Grill."

I hadn't expected that. I paused. The Kensington Grill was the fanciest and most romantic restaurant in our city. Jeanne and I went there once a year, but only once a year. It was where we celebrated our wedding anniversary.

After a moment I said; "The Kensington Grill? You and I go there once a year, don't we Jeanne."

Realizing the significance of what she'd just told me, Jeanne quietly answered, "Yes."

"What occasion do we celebrate there?"

Sighing, Jeanne quietly said; "Our wedding anniversary."

"And you didn't think his restaurant choice was significant?" Starting to get angry, I pressed. "What did you talk about during dinner Jeanne, baseball?"

"No, of course not."

"So what did you talk about?"

"I don't know, I guess our jobs and our families."

"Did you talk about me? Did he talk about his wife?"

"Yes." Jeanne's voice was nearly a whisper.

"Did you hold hands during dinner? You know, like you do with me?" During a fancy dinner my wife loved to hold my hand while we talked.

Again, in a whisper; "Yes."

"And you're telling me that I shouldn't be jealous?"

"Please Michael, you're blowing this way out of proportion."

Jeanne, I know you think I'm too fat and ugly to ever attract another woman..."

"Michael I apologized for that."

Ignoring her I continued; "Just for the sake of conversation let's pretend that I could attract another woman. How would you feel if you walked into the Kensington Grill and saw me sitting at a table holding hands with her?"

"But..."

"How would you feel?"

"It didn't mean anything."

"How would you feel?"

"Damn it Michael, this isn't fair!"

"How would you feel?"

"Michael why can't you understand?"

"How would you feel?"

Jeanne screamed; "Fuck you Michael! Fuck you!" And then she hung up.

Jeanne called back just before five. Ruth put her through.

"Hello Jeanne."

"Michael, I'm sorry I swore at you earlier."

"Apology accepted."

There was a long pause and then Jeanne asked; "Are you coming home tonight?"

"I hadn't planned on it."

"Please Michael, we need to talk."

"After last night I don't think we have anything to talk about anymore."

"Michael, don't say that. We've had twenty-six wonderful years together. We raised two beautiful daughters together. You're not going to throw all of that away over this, are you?"

"Jeanne..."

"Michael, come home. Let me show you just how much I love you."

"Are you offering me sex?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing. You're my husband. I'm you're wife."

"Jeanne it's been at least three years since you've shown any interest in sex with me."

"I know Michael. I was going through a bad period. The girls didn't need me anymore, I turned forty-five. My breasts started to sag and I felt old and ugly."

"But now you're telling me that's all changed."

"Yes, it has."

"Because of Derek Fischer?"

Jeanne was silent. Finally in a very quiet voice, she said; "He did help me feel more self confident."

"And now you want to have sex with me."

"Yes Michael I want to show you just how much I love you."

"Why couldn't you have talked to me about how you felt or gone to a counselor?"

"What do you mean?"

"Last night I watched you stand on our front lawn and make out with another man. Jeanne I doubt that I'll ever be able to kiss you again without picturing you kissing Derek Fischer."

"No Michael..."

"And you had sex with him Jeanne. I don't think I'll ever be able to have sex with you again without being afraid that you're comparing me to Derek Fischer and wondering how I stack up against him."

"Michael, you're the only man I love. That's all that matters."

"Is it Jeanne? He's taller than I am, does he have a bigger cock? Is he better in bed than I am? Do you have more orgasms with him then you had with me?"

"None of that matters. All that matters is that I love you."

"Really Jeanne? For the past several years I've obviously bored you in bed. Now you meet this Fischer guy and suddenly your libido wakes up again. I'm guessing he must be a pretty good fuck. Damn it Jeanne, two nights ago you called me a fat bald headed old man who could never possibly attract another woman. You talked about feeling old and ugly, how do you think I feel right now."

I paused to take a breath and then I said; "No Jeanne, I'm not coming home tonight so that we can make love. The way I feel right now, I don't think I'll ever be able to make love to you again."

"Michael, No! Don't say that! You're reading this all wrong."

"Jeanne, last night I think you dealt a fatal blow to our marriage and I feel very bad about that. I was really looking forward to the freedom we were going to have now that the girls are grown and living on their own."

"Please Michael, I'll do anything to make this up to you."

"Are you going to stop seeing Fischer?"

"There was a moment of silence and then Jeanne said; "I suppose if you really want me to I could do that."

"If I really want you to, you could do that?" The tone of my voice reflected my anger.

Quickly realizing what she'd said, Jeanne tried to back track. "No! No! Of course I'll stop seeing him. I'll call him today and tell him that we're done."

"But you don't really want to do that, and that's what matters."

"No Michael, I'm upset right now. I'm not thinking clearly. Of course I'll stop seeing Derek."

"Unfortunately, I don't believe you want to stop seeing him and so every time you're late getting home, every time you have an evening social function and every time you take off to go shopping on a Saturday afternoon I'll wonder if you're meeting him. You see Jeanne, last night you not only destroyed our love; you also destroyed my trust."

"Micheal please, you can trust me; you know you can."

"Jeanne, a week ago I don't think I could have imagined not trusting you; but a week ago I couldn't have imagined you doing any of the things you've done during the past forty-eight hours. Frankly, I don't know what to think anymore. I feel like the foundation of my existence has been shattered."

"Michael No! Don't say that!"

"Jeanne I asked you not to do it. I begged you not to do it. You ignored my pleas and did it anyway."

"I just wanted a little romance."

"And you didn't feel like you could get it from the man you claim to love. Well, there it is then. I guess there isn't much else to say. I hope your romance with Derek Fischer makes you happy."

"Michael you're twisting my words. That's not what I meant to say."

"Okay, what were you trying to say?"

"I felt old, ugly and useless."

"And then you met a tall handsome married man who turned on the charm and made you feel young, pretty and needed."

There was a long pause. Finally Jeanne said; "Yes, but when you say that it sounds like Derek was just using me and that's not true at all. He's a fine man. He loves his wife, but after three children she's lost all interest in sex. All we were doing was having a little fun together."

"And how do you think your little bit of fun is going to affect your two marriages?"

"It doesn't have to affect them at all."

"Really? It's already affected ours."

"But it doesn't have to, all you have to do is try to understand that this is just a meaningless affair."

"One that's now made me feel old, ugly and useless." I chuckled. "And the worst part is that the other night you made it clear to me that I'm so old ugly and useless that I could never even hope to find a woman who might be interested in having an affair with me."

"Michael I told you that was a mistake. It just popped out."

"But you did say it Jeanne and I have to believe that at this moment in our lives it was an accurate declaration of your feelings about me. In your time of need, when you were feeling old and ugly you didn't seek solace in my arms, you rejected me and sought comfort from a young handsome man."

"I never rejected you!"

"When was the last time we had sex? When was the last time you asked for sex? How many times have you turned me down when I asked for sex? Jeanne you've been rejecting me for several years now and this affair with Derek Fischer is the ultimate rejection."

There was a long pause. Finally Jeanne asked, "Michael it's obvious that I've hurt you. What can I do to make it up to you?"

"Are you going to keep seeing Fischer?"

There was another long pause and then Jeanne said, "I don't know."

"Then we don't have anything to more talk about. Good bye Jeanne."

"Michael wait! Please don't hang up."

"Jeanne, this is too difficult. You're tearing me apart. It's apparent that you've fallen in love with another man. Please just put me out of my misery and let me go. I'm a big boy, it will be difficult; but I will get over it."

"Michael I'm not in love with Derek and I don't want to end my marriage with you."

"I'm sorry Jeanne, right now your actions speak much louder than your words. If you cared about our marriage you never would have gone out with Fischer."

"Michael!"

"Jeanne, I have to go."

"Can we talk again?"

"If you're going to keep seeing Fischer I don't see the point."

"Michael I..."

"I can't keep debating this. Jeanne I'm sorry, but you've worn me out. I have to hang up. Good bye Jeanne."

Micheal, Please!"

I hung up the telephone. It was after 5:00 pm. Ruth had gone home. The office telephones wouldn't be answered again until 8:00 am the next morning. My cell phone was already turned off. I was incommunicado and at that moment that was exactly what I wanted.

When I left the office I didn't feel like going back to the motel, so I started walking. After about an hour I realized I was hungry so I stopped at a Subway, bought a six inch sub, a bag of chips and a Diet Coke. I noticed a small park a block down the street from the Subway. It was a beautiful August evening, so I ate my dinner there.

After I finished eating I started walking again. Not wanting to get too far from my car, I walked in the general direction of my office. By the time I reached my car it was almost 8:00.

I was tired. I hadn't slept much the previous night and the walk had worn me out. I drove back to my motel, took a shower, drank three stiff Whiskeys and went to bed.