I have been watching you at play in The Playground. I find you very exciting and I hope that we can chat. I have read several of your posts on the Arouse Me in 5 Words thread and was very impressed by your wit and sexiness. I saw some of your other comments too and, think that it is gratifying to know that you are so sensitive and that you love your friends here. I greatly admire that in a woman. I imagine that you are too busy tonight to chat with me right now but I wanted to get to know. I think the easiest way for us to get to know each other would be for you to tell me about your relationships with the people whom you cherish.
What do you require from me? I would love to be given the opportunity to give you pleasure in some way in return. You have given me so much of yourself already, even without knowing it.
This is quite a surprise! You speak as if this is a done deal though! "What do you require from me?" is a very startling question. It suggests that we have been negotiating a relationship for some time rather than being at the end of your introductory PM! You've just admitted to stalking me and I don't know if I should be flattered or frightened. It's a funny thing though; every now and then I notice the statistics of the people who are logged into the site and I compare these with the persons who are actually participating on the threads. It should come as no surprise that the participation rate is abysmally poor. So, I suppose that the fact that you have come forward should be encouraged... My best way to get to know someone here is to play Twenty Questions but I have 10 minutes so I'll tell you about myself as quickly as I can... That way I will have given you something to think about, and perhaps suggested a way for you to structure the questions that you wish to have answered.
In a nutshell, I have adult nursing, age play (I love being my man's naughty little girl and I love provoking him until he can't ignore me anymore. I have to say though that although I pretend to be little and helpless I am one of those people who believes that sex with any vulnerable group is a crime and frankly, should be punishable by death - I speak as someone who was herself molested while very young, and who has had to speak out strongly to one man here on this site whom I suspect is in danger of crossing over into that type of behaviour with his daughter, and in one other case to a young man whom I suspect has been a victim of long term abuse and who could be on the verge of perpetuating that cycle). I also like angry sex, spanking/punishment for tits and cunt and enemas, oddly enough given my history, rape fantasies in which I give a very good account of myself since I actually lost my virginity to a date rape at age 29 -- I know, I become more frightening by the second, but bear with me. I am also into humiliation. Public humiliation excites me terribly, but realistically, I can't do that here in Jamaica where I live, so those activities will have to remain firmly in the realm of fantasy for the time being. Lastly, I want to get into regular anal play as well because the closest that I've ever come in real life to cumming has been after having an anal experience with a friend one evening in his apartment. Again, as I think about it I find it ironic. I don't know if this was because of the pain or the foreplay that led up to it or the man with whom it happened or what. I won't know until try to simulate that particular experience with someone else. My Partner has not been very willing to do this, but I am working on him to consider it for the future.
I believe that all of my kinks have emerged from my early socialisation by my gardener, and coming to Lit, along with chatting with a therapist, are my ways of attempting to normalize my sexual urges so that I can be more contented in my more vanilla RL relationship; for don't get me wrong, my Partner is in many ways a GREAT guy. Of course, as I write this I see the irony. I've come to Lit, and stayed, for the BDSM, so speaking to you about 'normalizing' my urges is something that I have to think about a little more.
I have to say that I have been VERY fortunate in my friends here. I have met several lovely people and had relationships with several men who describe themselves as Dominants here (or as having dominant personalities -- and believe me, there is a vast difference between those two categories of men). Of course, I've met many more who are not into BDSM at all, and some of those have been very disappointing since I would have liked them to be Doms. :o) I can't be sure of course, but I suppose that if they were genuinely into some of my stuff then, in a curious way, they would not have been the people whom I admired so much; but the truth is that they aroused me just as much as the Doms do and I was disappointed to learn that they did not approve of the lifestyle. Again, I find that ironic because I WANT to get away from needing to be forced to enjoy myself sexually. Wow! I didn't realize how odd I was until now... In any event, my point is that I have enjoyed the company of many people here -- several men and two women - and it has caused me to see even more value in moving away from the more edgy expressions of sex and affection.
For me, the most profound experiences that I've had though were with the two men whom I think of as being my Original Dom and my Final Dom. My Original Dom was the man who befriended me on my fourth day here and decided to teach me what he knew about the D/s lifestyle and see if we could hit it off. I REALLY liked him. He was fantastic! Sadly, after a month he told me that he was leaving Lit since he didn't have the time to give me that he thought I deserved and since he needed to find happiness with his family. I was shocked, genuinely frightened and unable to believe that this was happening to me... I thought that we were doing so well together. I blamed myself, wondering what I had done wrong! I didn't believe him when he said that his decision to leave had nothing to do with me. I missed him terribly and set out to find a replacement for him on the rebound. I met several men after that time and had several trial relationships. Not surprisingly, none of these worked well although I kept in touch with almost all of them for a while even after moving on. I don't speak with them now except very rarely since as I type this I realize that I really have moved on.
I believe that I went on a binge because I was gratified to think that there were others who were interested in me and that I could land on my feet despite genuinely bitter disappointment. I entered into two temporary D/s relationships to restore some sense of control over my life. Sadly however, I also consented to several rp and mentoring relationships in which I was the Domme that left me ragged. There are many lonely people here on Lit; and we seem to be finding each other.
I considered leaving the site because I realized that what I was trying to do was to replace my Original Dom instead of grieving his loss properly and moving on with the lessons that I had learned from him. As I type this I realize that even after a year and a half of trying I have not received the same satisfaction from any of the interactions into which I'd entered since he left. I guess it's true what they say about your "first love". I want to be careful about how I say that though because I don't want to leave the impression that I have not appreciated the men and women who have approached me and with whom I have played while here. Almost all of them have been special to me, but in a different way from him and as I type this I realize that what I want -- what I still want -- is a return to the sense of bliss that I experienced with that first relationship. Eventually I regrouped my wits and told myself that even if no one else whom I liked picked me up here on Lit then I had to remember that I had existed for 44 years without this type of support and I could continue to do so, if necessary.
I should tell you, while I think of it, that I have a RL Partner who is not into BDSM but who knows about my participation here and approves of it since he has noticed how much happier on the whole I've been since being here, and I have a big beautiful Swede from Bodybook as well although I haven't been as close to him as I was before joining Lit on 27 June 2010...because he is also on the vanilla side. I tell you these things just in the interest of full disclosure.
The truth is that I have no experience in this lifestyle that I'm now professing beyond the things that have happened with the men here on Lit and the spanking that I get every single time I have sex with my Partner since I made it clear to him that I needed that in order to feel anything at all. It is not his fault that I am so frigid; it's mine, and he's the knight in shining armour who has been trying to help me. I have been interested in BDSM for most of my life. I used to buy comics with these themes over 35 years ago, but I had never acted on this interest beyond reading stories on the Net and trying to persuade my partners over the years that "I like it rough". I have always been disappointed though because this is not an accurate description of what I want and so even if they did "rough" well I still felt nothing. I have also realized that even though my Partner complies with the requests for spankings it is clear that he doesn't enjoy doing this and so I have a diminished experience as a result.
What I want (and quite frankly need) is to have someone strong discipline me. I need to form an alliance with someone who will impress me, command my respect and hold me accountable for holding myself to the highest standards of discipline. I am under no illusions about my flaws. I can admit that I am completely self-absorbed, overweight (81 kg on a 162 cm frame) because I have looked for happiness in my refrigerator for years; proud; mean-spirited (crazy jealous if something that I believe belongs to me is given to someone else); and lazy (physically and mentally). Would you believe that I have started and abandoned degrees in architecture, engineering and the law? To my credit, thought, I know that I have these issues and I'm working VERY hard to remove them from my life because I do not like myself at all and I want to change...all the BBW threads here have helped but do not change the reality in the real world; that I am a very unhappy person and that my affirmation must come from within.
I believe that someone who would have the sort of relationship with me in which I am rewarded with getting something that I really want in exchange for cauterizing these aspects of my personality would be a great help to me. Sadly though, I do not know what I really want and so most efforts to help me have been doomed to failure. It is not fair to the people who have tried, but it is my reality and I promised to be honest, didn't I? My Original Dom wanted to open me up to new sexual experiences since, bless him, he was concerned about my lack of ever having an orgasms. My Final Dom took me at my word and was more interested in fixing my flaws. It should come as no surprise to you, that we had a very rocky relationship; because of my recalcitrant indiscipline and because I'm not a naturally submissive person at all. I am VERY grateful to him for having stuck with the plan for as long as he did though, because I often strayed from his side to find people with whom I could have more fun. Given the fact that I recently began to submit my stories for publication on the site I have realized that many men would not have tolerated this from me at all.
To my credit, I believe, I made it a habit to tell people about him early on and to warn them that even if I flirted with them - or worse - I had no intention of leaving him. He knew this and the deal was that it would be he who left me when he had had enough. Our relationship couldn't last, I was already on Strike 2 of 3 only four months into our association. I'm not proud of that fact since he was a really nice man, but such is life, and I told you that I was going to tell you who I really am.
The irony is that if one were to compare my Original Dom with all the men whom I've met here since he left me, in many measures of success in life, he stands head-and-shoulders above them in many respects. He was able to read me like a book and he opened doors for me that I cannot shut even today. However, I know that my Final Dom was EXACTLY the man whom I needed but it is difficult to change and I had (and still have) so many changes to make...
So, it seems that I have decided that I'll tell you about my early Lit experiences in this PM. Perhaps, if you're still interested and if you still have questions, I can tell you about my current life in my next message. You don't know this yet, but I was about to ask you which you prefer! Obviously this isn't XXXM so I will just have to assume that you're as fascinated reading this as I am sorting through my memories for you.
With my Original Dom I began photographing myself nude for him and found that I enjoyed doing that. Now I do it all the time. I enjoy taking these photos. I see them as Art although I'm limited in what I can do by myself in that regard. I enjoy being nude now, I play with myself all the time these days, even at work behind my desk; while I watch tv, while I chat with people on the phone, in the car driving down the street, everywhere... My definition of "sexy" has changed. I've always liked to have my body covered in long, ankle-length dresses and skirts but now they're jacked up around my thighs even in the office. I like to touch my skin and show cleavage now. I like the reaction that I get when men look at my chest. It's pretty flattering! I even fondled myself in the back of one of my classes while a guest speaker delivered her presentation. I drive home every night with my boobs completely exposed because of the naughty thrill that it gives me to do so. I've flashed the men on a construction site near my home! I am out of control, I know.
I had always thought that my boobs were too big and I sought to get them reduced surgically, but because of my Original Dom I began to appreciate them! Despite all my hang-ups, he seemed to like me a lot - we used to chat on the phone (California to Jamaica) for up to four hours every other day and we'd PM and e-mail each other every day - but then, as I said, he left.
It was for him, that I began going without underwear while at home and I went on the street that way if I knew that I'd be seeing him when I got home or if I'd just had a session with him and I went home to luxuriate in the experience. He wanted me to reach a stage where I just went without underwear completely. As I've said, time with him was really about finding the pleasure in my own body that I'd never done before. When I came to Lit I said that I wanted to get my groove back. Well, the truth is that I've never had a groove like the one I'd found here with him.
Because of him, my sex life exploded in my FirstLife... I moved from an infrequent at best, to a five-time-a-week-at-least sex habit with my Partner; and I was seriously in danger of becoming an addict since I craved him while I was at work even if he fucked me that morning. Of course, this may have been the reason that he really didn't mind me being here. We began doing the nasty in the mornings before going to work and I would go to the office smelling of arousal every day. I was, and continue to be, wet ALL the time. Sometimes it is embarrassing like when I went to the doctor the other day and he had to dry me off before doing the exam! I was conditioned to become aroused by even thinking about my nipples because my Original Dom wanted me that way; and I have retained his conditioning. He had me wear clothes pins until I bought my nipple clamps and think of him pleasuring me when we first started our relationship. He wanted me sore all the time so that I'd be thinking about him constantly. It worked. For months I couldn't get him out of my mind, because it was difficult to just turn it off and because my Final Dom used some of the same methods to punish me. I would have been an idiot to tell him that as punishment, those were not effective methods, don't you think?
From my Original Dom I learned to vocalise my pleasure. I'd been very quiet because I didn't want anyone to hear what I was doing... Now I've learned to be more expressive about the pleasure that I'm receiving. My Partner has been spurred to new heights because I moan louder, talk dirtier, and whimper more, in fact, I'm now downright filthy and he seems to love it though he still doesn't like hitting me. We're now talking about incorporating some anal play into our relationship as well... we haven't done this yet because we've been concentrating on getting me pregnant in the past few months... in fact we're both obsessed with that now...
I don't know you, but I am enjoying the challenge of crafting this message carefully so that I can give you an accurate picture of who I am. In truth, I'm enjoying anticipating your mind at the moment and I'm not sure how this will pan out. I've found that, apart from my Final Dom, who kept me a little short on sex while he explored my psychology, the men here have moved into the sex too quickly... not surprising because this is a sex site but I really am more impressed by a man's mind than anything else. Despite my lack of achievements in life I have a tested IQ of 164 (completely wasted potential although I have a fairly comprehensive college-level education in the humanities, social sciences, business and the pure and applied sciences - I have spent many, MANY years in school - having about 37 years of formal education so far - I'm still struggling to find the discipline to complete my second Masters (another of my issues that my Dom has taken on on my behalf since the first one brought me no lasting joy and so I need to try something new...why will this one work if the other one didn't? It won't, but I enjoy the seminars) - and many years of informal studies) and I like being impressed by brilliance, originality and confidence. I'm still shy about being seen to be experiencing pleasure outside of my Partner and myself. I write custom-made stories and do role plays with my friends. Despite these revelations today I am an intensely private person. Be warned that knowing facts about me does not mean that you know me. I do not cam often, although I have done it with a few people here.
Obviously, this has taken longer than 10 minutes to compose, but there were two factors at play: I enjoy talking about myself, and I wanted to tell you who I was. Should you wish to write to me to explore any of these themes you may do so via e-mail at Jelly.Rolle@thisisspammail.com. Alternatively, I am Jelly.Rolle on XXXM. For me these are better alternatives to the Lit PM because I get far too many messages for the system and me to handle in any given day. I've been thinking of taking on an alt - a man - so that I can see if I can explore my own development without attracting any attention. I suspect that this will not be possible because of my natural gregariousness and because I have accepted the fact that in order for me to thrive in my RL I must leave this space. Sadly, I cannot tell you how many times I have sacrificed quality in my exams or on assignments in order to play on the various threads in The Playground.
In closing, I thought that you might find a search on the Net for Daddys useful. This is the sort of relationship that my Final Dom and I strove for. However, as I've said, I was very naughty.
From: Peter Pussy-Eater