Best Man

From a million miles away, there came the squeak of distant hinges accompanied by the warm laughter of women. Jared's mother's voice among them and he squeezed his eyes shut, his grip on Avery tightening as reality attempted to penetrate his trembling emotional barriers.

Theirs was a tense embrace. Jared betrayed his inner turmoil with the slightest tremor. Avery didn't acknowledge his friend's shudder, his eyes closed as his heart began to race. They were close enough for him to smell the shampoo he'd let Jared use and the lingering sandalwood of his aftershave. His breath ruffled Jared's hair, and he determinedly tuned out the increasingly excited babble of family members that echoed down the hall in jovial bursts.

"You'll be a wonderful husband, Jared. It's a huge decision, but I think it's the right one for you and Michelle." Bright eyes pleading, Jared looked up into Avery's face, blinking at the obvious emotion in Avery's eyes.

The room's stillness was amplified as the pair stood near the door, the weight of the moment crushing them both into blatant amazement. How could he have been so oblivious to Avery's feelings? All this time, he'd assumed their conversation topics never included girlfriends on Avery's end due to some sort of catastrophic disintegration of an amazing relationship Avery couldn't bring himself to discuss. Ever since their childhood, he'd always kept his feelings to himself, his stoic manner sometimes expressing volumes beyond a more obvious show of emotion.

Jared thought it likely Avery seemed more pensive due to a white-hot affair with a blonde bombshell that fizzled before it truly began under those faultlessly blue California skies. Not some inner turmoil deeper than he could ever fathom. What else could have caused an outpouring of such intense emotions? Surely not a love for Jared brought to full fruition by the rapid advance of his wedding day? He had to be wrong. "Avery?"

Avery's eyes dropped and as always, he made a great show of keeping his feelings under wraps. One slender arm slipped from around Jared's waist, long pale fingers brushing back his hair before he let his hand fall tentatively to the lapel of Jared's suit coat.

"It's nothing." The tone was filled with pleading and implications Jared couldn't ignore. Fragility was an emotion he wasn't used to witnessing, and seeing it lurking just below the surface of his brooding friend was both shocking and endearing. "We should get back there before Eve gets suspicious."

"I don't even think Michelle's here yet," Jared replied, very aware of the firm pressure of Avery's hand. His fiancée and mother-in-law were far from his thoughts. Those were usurped by the unspoken revelation between him and his best friend. "I'm sorry, Avery. I never knew..."

A sun-dappled afternoon surfaced in Jared's mind. A time of dirty magazines and pure hopes for the future. The soft hum of a distant lawn mower and twittering of birds the only accompaniment to the introspection of two awkward teenaged boys.

Avery stood, hands in his pockets, furtively snatching glances at his best friend as golden rays danced in his hair. It was their last afternoon together, and neither boy knew what to say that wouldn't sound ridiculously cheesy and girlish. So under the wavering branches of a young maple, they simply offered each other an awkward embrace, Jared laughing with embarrassment as he stepped back, invisible fingertips of an afternoon breeze rifling his hair.

"I'll be back for Christmas," Avery began, shifting his feet in the soft soil. "And I might be back next summer to stay with Grandma for a couple weeks. We can hang out then, okay?"

Jared nodded, sensing the sadness Avery tried to hide. "Well have a good time, man. Grab some LA pussy for me, huh?" The memory faded with the melody of their mutual laughter carried on the breeze, accompanying Avery as he turned, slowly walking away from his best friend with a faulty smile and heavy heart.

"Do you remember when you told me to get some California ass for you?" Avery murmured, getting lost in the smooth fabric and hard muscle beneath his fingertips. "Well it's my turn. Enjoy some honeymoon sex for me, bro."

Jared laughed, an effervescent sound that brought some light back to his eyes. "I'll be the first one at your wedding, Avery. Just don't throw the bouquet to my sister. She's already running on that damned biological clock and cooing over every baby she sees."

If there were a way to bottle the moment, Avery would do so. Their love was genuine and strong, and though he couldn't express the extent of his feelings toward Jared, he didn't feel as if a barrier had been erected between them. Confirmation was given when Jared reached up to take the hand resting on his shoulder and squeeze. "You and Trace are my best men and best friends, Avery. You think I'm going to stop talking to you because you're not into girls?"

Avery's smile was warm and wistful. "I was into a girl once. It just didn't feel nearly as good as being into a guy."

With a wry smile, Jared gave Avery a squeeze, surprised at his own acceptance of Avery's lifestyle. Their friendship had been true and deep.

Wind shifted the leaves of an oak outside the open window. Avery felt his cheeks warming under Jared's scrutiny. The tension in the room grew as Avery looked away. "This is so awkward ... I hadn't meant for you to find out like this."

"No." Jared smiled, shrugging. "The time I slept over for your seventh birthday and wet the bed was awkward. I love you, Avery. You aren't the first gay guy I've ever met. Don't flatter yourself."

A snort of laughter preceded Avery slugging Jared in the shoulder. He retaliated with a punch to Avery's gut, and soon they were exchanging brotherly blows. "If you leave bruises, Michelle's going to have some questions for you!" Jared smirked, elbowing Avery in the chest. A surprised guffaw burst from his lips as he stumbled, landing against the wall by the door, the decorative wainscoting pressing into his lower back. But as he went, he caught a handful of Jared's suit coat, dragging him along.

The impact made the open door rattle in its frame and they laughed, Avery's fingertips still wrapped around Jared's jacket. In a moment planned by fate, their eyes met. Avery's grip did not slacken. His breath slowed and he knew without a doubt he could pick Jared's eyes out of a random sampling of blue every time. Those long lashes and straight brows that lent him a bit of melancholy were that familiar. The sculpted cheekbones only added to his fragile features, and a swell of love for him poured over Avery when he realized his childhood friend would be someone's husband, and then in the not too distant future, someone's father.

"Oh, here she is!" a girl called and footsteps raced across the sanctuary.

"I wonder where Jared is," an older woman's voice added and Jared recognized it as one of Michelle's aunts. So far, Nancy, Michelle's older and extremely bossy sister, had yet to arrive.

Avery tried to swallow but his mouth was dry. Hands shaking, he buried them in his pockets, releasing Jared, who only stared back with an indeterminate emotion settling his features. They stood inches apart, neither wanting to be the first to move.

"Jared?" His mother's voice advanced up the hall toward them, curious and a little concerned. Avery hurriedly stepped back, turning to fix a cup of coffee for himself.

"In here, Mom. Avery and I were just catching up." Jared moved close to Avery, picked up his cup, then turned and left without a backward glance.

The last golden rays of a glorious June sunset spread out across the long, linen-draped table, bathing those before the window in a golden halo as they sipped drinks, savored desserts, and eagerly discussed plans for tomorrow.

Michelle and Jared sat at the head of the table, smiling and whispering to each other as the waiter brought them each a dish of crème brulee topped with fresh raspberries. Avery sat across from them beside Jared's mother, her familial and loving attentions welcomed by his frazzled heart. Trace sat on Michelle's other side, having an animated conversation with one of Michelle's younger brothers.

Finally, after all the desserts were brought out, Trace got to his feet. Relishing his glass of contraband champagne, he picked up his spoon and tapped the rim of his glass, assuming a theatrically dramatic pose as he surveyed the table.

"So I'm supposed to make the speech, I guess," he began, smiling that heart-breaking smile that all the McCall boys possessed. "I'd go into all that happy couple stuff, but I don't want to be all cliché.

"Instead, I want to talk about what a great brother Jared has been. He's really smart. Sometimes too smart for his own good. And when he says something, he means it and never forgets it. Good luck with that, Michelle." The group laughed softly and Trace only fed off the energy, turning his gaze to Jared and Michelle. The young woman was radiant in a pale blue Chanel dress, her auburn hair swept back into a glamorous up-do and her make-up flawless. "Anyway, he's fun, smart, loyal, tough, and even nice most of the time. I don't know since I'm not marrying him, but all those attributes seem like they'd make for a great husband. Oh, yeah. One more thing. If he won't give you what you want, just hide the remote to the TV. He should just get those damn things grafted to his hands, and revert back to a caveman if he can't find them. I'm just sayin' if you ever need a bargaining chip. Seriously, good luck, you guys, and Michelle, don't say I didn't warn you." He grinned and the table erupted into applause as Jared leaned over to kiss Michelle's cheek.

"Just wait until you get married, Tracey," Jared admonished as his little brother chugged half the glass of champagne. "I've got all sorts of dirt on you."

Trace only shrugged, tossing his hair out of his eyes. "Whatever." His smile was genuine as he snatched a cherry off a cousin's ice cream.

Night drew in thick and heavy around them as Avery started toward Michelle's car. It was a new SUV, and he was glad to see the liberal stickers plastered over the back bumper. Jared and Michelle were standing off under the French restaurant's awning, kissing and nuzzling each other's cheeks as they whispered and smiled at one another. It wasn't terribly late, but Avery just wanted to get back to his room and sleep.

More relatives were arriving, local family getting updates via cell phones as the night progressed. Finally, at nearly eleven, the dinner began to break up, and Avery went willingly out to the lot, doing his best to give Jared some privacy.

Yet here in the back of the car, he couldn't help thinking about the day. The understanding in Jared's eyes followed by acceptance and love, not disgust or wariness as he'd feared. There had been no insistence in getting separate rooms. On the contrary, Jared wanted to stop and get a bottle of vodka, some orange juice, and settle in to reminisce one last time before the big day. Michelle smiled and said she'd be doing the same with Nancy, if she could get a word in edgewise.

A pizza had been ordered and last minute details concerning tomorrow were ironed out as the families stood in a knot just outside the establishment's doors. There was a definite energy of anticipation veiling everyone, even Trace, who amped up the jokes, sarcastic ribbing, and general obnoxious little brother behavior just to get a rise out of Jared.

Avery tried to feel the celebratory joy of the night. It wasn't every day one's best friend gets married. Let alone to such a pretty and sweet young lady. But worse than that, he felt the telltale twinges of jealousy trying to weigh him down. He longed to be happy for Jared. And yet, he couldn't help watching them from afar and longing to know what it felt like to run his fingers through Jared's hair...

Stop it, he admonished himself. This was one of the happiest moments in Jared's life, and as his best friend, Avery would be there and support him any way he needed.

One final kiss was exchanged, and then the couple started toward her car, hand in hand and steps light. Avery sat back, rubbing his thumb over the five o'clock stubble on his chin. He would be convivial and supportive. It was neither of their faults this trip had awakened old feelings and new hungers. Once he got back home, things would settle back to normal, and they could be long-distance friends once more.

"So are you two going to see who can be the most hung over in the morning?" Michelle's voice was radiant with humor and joy. "I know you're getting the tuxes for free, Jared, but I don't want any technicolor yawns going on as we walk up the aisle."

Jared's laugh was low and conspiratorial. "That all depends on how much the sexy Asian escorts and Playboy Bunnies want to drink," he replied as they left the parking lot with a friendly beep. "Of course we'll need some to wash down all the coke, but I suspect Avery and I will knock back a bottle or two between us."

Michelle giggled. "Avery? You're probably one of those power drinkers, aren't you? The small build is just a ruse and you're a competitive drinking champion."

"You've got me, Michelle. But I promise not to let Jared get too drunk. Scout's honor." They slowed and turned into the cracked lot of a twenty-four-hour party supply store. "If that means taking one or two for the team and finishing the bottle so Jared can't, you can count on me." Michelle laughed and slid out of the car, holding the door for Avery to follow.

Stocked with alcohol and appetizers, they drove to the hotel, Avery thanking Michelle for the ride and hurrying into the lobby to give them more private time. Tonight it was Chopin, and the lush piano piece soothed his overwhelmed nerves. The young woman at the desk glanced up briefly from filing her nails, noted him, and then returned to her at-work manicure.

A couple minutes later, Jared came in, smelling like ozone and perfume, and still looking like a million bucks in his suit, the plastic bag and clinking bottles in his hand grossly out of place with his proper dress and the posh hotel.

"Come on. Let's go celebrate." He gestured for Avery to follow as he approached the elevator. "Twelve hours and counting."

Back at their room, Avery went in search of ice and Jared poured them each a drink. He went to the window to gaze out over the city, the lake a dark strip off in the distance. He wondered what Michelle was doing, and if she was missing him in their queen sized bed. Closing his eyes, he sipped his drink, conjuring her face in his mind's eye. She'd looked so beautiful tonight.

But just as he focused on the exact shade of brown in her eyes or recalled the texture of her hair, his mind began to wander back to a quiet moment in the cathedral. Avery's hair that still carried with it the radiance of California sun and his tentative expression of both eagerness and fear when he realized Jared understood what he'd been struggling with since they met once again in person. Dismayed, he tried to return his train of thoughts to the proper track, but they just seemed hell bent on Avery.

"Fuck this." He stormed over to the television, picked up the remote, and surfed through the channels. Unable to find a suitable distraction there, he settled on the radio, tuning in some modern rock station as he sipped his drink.

To kill time, he started thinking about the logistics involved for his honeymoon to go off without a hitch. Their papers were in order, finances had been worked out, and Nancy was going to stop by, water their plants, feed Aspen, Michelle's four-year-old Persian cat, and check their mail. They would leave directly after the wedding reception, as would Avery, who'd take a cab back to the airport so the happy couple could bask in their first official moments together as man and wife.

The door opened with a soft click and Avery entered, carrying two buckets full of ice.

"You never know how much will be enough," he explained, heading into the bathroom to put the ice in the tub. "Why don't you bring the juice and vodka in here, and we'll keep them cold."

Minutes later, drinks cooling on ice, they moved back into the bedroom.

"So are you still worried about tomorrow? Michelle is so sweet and damn cute, too." Avery reclined in a gray upholstered chair, kicking his feet up on the matching ottoman and wondering when their pizza would arrive. He truly missed a good old Chicago-style slice.

"Yeah, she is, and yeah, I am. Mom says it's totally normal to get cold feet, but I don't know ... my feet are more like frozen. But I'm glad you like her. She said she thinks you're cute."

Avery smiled as he took a sip of his drink. "If you two have any free time this fall, we should get together."

Jared sat down on the edge of the closer bed, staring into the orange depths of his drink.

"Cool. Don't worry. I'm not trying to imply anything, but I wondered if it's hard for you to be here. I mean after this afternoon, you know?"

Avery felt an emotional vice start to squeeze his heart. His first instinct was to lie, but Jared would know he lied before all the words were out of his mouth. With a long, careful pause he answered.

"Well, yes and no. It's hard because you're the only one who knows me so well. But I know you're straight so nothing would happen."

Jared's eyes went distant with thought. "Well, then I want to ask you something else. Do you remember when we used to climb that tree in your yard to our tree house, and we'd just lie there and watch the leaves?"

"Yes."

"It was so peaceful up there. Not just because of the leaves and birds, but because I knew I wasn't alone. We didn't even need to talk to each other, but we just knew the other one was there.

"Will you crash with me, Avery? I swear I'm not trying to be a tease or anything. It's just that I'm quite frankly terrified of tomorrow, and you always made me feel calm and safe."

For an instant, suspicion flared in Avery's eyes, and he went tense in his chair. "I don't do sympathy fucks."

Jared flinched. "No. That's not what I'm saying. I just want to feel like I'll get through this. And I'm doing a pretty shitty job of it alone."

Avery abruptly got to his feet, making a bee-line toward the alcohol, grabbing and unwrapping a plastic cup as he went. Jared frowned, heat rising in his cheeks. Silence stretched into a few minutes, and just when Jared couldn't take any more and decided to go confront Avery in the bathroom, a brisk knock startled him out of his brooding.

"About goddamned time," he muttered, skulking toward the door to get the pizza.

Avery took another deep swallow of the fiery booze. How could this be happening? He was totally honest with Jared. He loved him. But there was no way he could lay beside him and act like they were just friends. If he told Jared, he fully expected his best friend to walk out the door. But if he said nothing, the torture of sharing a bed with only innocent intentions would be beyond agony.

He stood in front of the mirror, staring into his own eyes, hoping his sadness wouldn't be as visible for Jared as it was to him. The arrival of their pizza startled him out of his own contemplation, and he reluctantly took the ninety-degree turn that led him out of the bathroom.

Wrapped in tense silence, they sat at the table, each nibbling on a thick slice of pizza as they listened to generic rock music. Jared looked pale and as if he had no taste for the food he was eating. Avery tried to look everywhere but Jared's direction.

"Look. I'm sorry."

The declaration surprised Avery into dropping the slice of pizza he was about to pick up.

"If I made you feel uncomfortable, I didn't mean to."

"No. It's okay. I'm the one who needs to apologize. You need a friend right now and that's what I am. If there's anything else I can do to help, Jare, just ask."