Caroline Alone Ch. 02

He shrugs. "I noticed you were cheating on me. How could you imagine I wouldn't?"

She shakes her head but dare not speak.

"How long have you known him?"

Now she looks at him. "Only intimately for three months – since we fell in love."

"And when do you meet?"

"Whenever you don't need me. I've been scrupulous."

She smiles, having relieved her conscience and emboldened by the minimal acknowledgement implied by his questions. "Please. I love you so much and I care no end what you think. I'm so pleased you're not angry, but you're too deep to read. Tell me what you're thinking."

"I think I'm dead. No. I'm thinking what on earth have you done and can you really be so stupid?"

He's been unintentionally honest. What does he think? Fury arrives and vanishes like a low-flying military jet, leaving his heart racing. This is a conversation no man should have to endure.

"Jack, you'll not suffer – grant me that. There's a part of you I've never had. I need company, friendship, fun and you've never wanted those things. But Damien loves my playful side and we have a great time. You need peace – you're happy to sit alone with your books and your thoughts. That's the time I give to Damien. We can make this work."

She wants him to acquiesce to her adultery? Jack's conscious of unexpected physical reactions, like a soldier in the moments after the sniper's shot, making feeble efforts to work out where the bullet has hit. He's cold and queasy and deep inside there's an expanding dullness, like the onset of death, of reliable internal machinery shutting down – of vivid thoughts that are not his. This conversation is as bad as he expected and the feelings he suppressed for so long are now out of control. Caroline watches, horrified.

"I can see you're hurt and I'm sorry to have been the cause. We none of us planned for this and it's very awkward. I'm asking you to think about my situation too. It's difficult for us all and I need your help to sort it out. We must help each other through."

Now it is he who fails to meet a human eye, fearful of his weakness. But he speaks in a clear voice.

"If you need a divorce then let me know. Otherwise I don't think there's much we have to talk about. Oh...by the way, I'll be living in Brighton during the week so you'll have to make new arrangements for the children before and after school. I'll be back at the weekend to look after them. And also ... I've resigned my job so you'll have to pick up the household bills after this month."

Now it is she who looks horrified. "Jack, what have you done? And what about the children? You've not thought about them. You've not thought this through."

"No Caroline, it's you who's not been thinking. I've had plenty of time to work out what I want. It's just that I saw no reason to consult you about my decisions. I'm a student again. I'm going to complete my PhD. I'll find digs near the University library for the week and come home for the children at the weekend."

"You're leaving me."

He shrugged. "You left long ago. Call this arrangement what you like but it shouldn't affect you much. You can have as many lovers as you like – it makes no difference to me. But you'll have to be here for the children in the week and I'll look after them at the weekend. Is that too much for you to manage?"

"It's a bad idea. You've got to be sensible Jack."

"Too late. It's done. Better work out who's going to collect the children when they finish school. I could probably get back in time to do it Fridays. I'll not be unreasonable."

"You're making this as difficult as you can for me. You hate me."

"I'm getting on with my life. I don't give a toss what you think or how it affects you. One other thing," he adds. "If I ever come home and find your lover here I'll kick his skull in and live happily with the consequences. Keep him out of my house and away from my children. If you need toy boys to fuck, take them to some sordid hotel."

Yes, he wants to make her miserable, but he wants to do the right thing for his children and the only unreasonable part is that he's acted without consulting Caroline. There's the matter of the mortgage too. He'll not be paying any more – his income has gone. Caroline should be able to manage the payments, but he knows there'll be little money to spare. She'll certainly not want to pay for an after school child minder. The obvious solution, he thinks grimly, is for her to use her flexitime to be free from work in time to collect them herself.

He falls asleep reading his daughter her story and wakes at four in the morning lying on the coverlet beside her. He goes downstairs and collapses on the settee in the sitting room. It's not long before he's asleep once more.

***

The new regime started immediately. Jack was up early to load the car with what he needed in Brighton. He'd take the children to school, go to work to sort out his leave, collect the children after school and then go back to the university to sort out digs and library access.

"I'll not stay here and cramp your social life. I'll begin my research at once and my employers can come and get me if they want me. I'm owed enough leave to take me to the end of my notice."

"What do we say to the children?" she asked automatically.

"I'll speak to them on the way back from school. They won't like it but they don't have to deal with a cheating wife and they'll be fine. I'll promise them to come every weekend. In the holidays I'll do my best to arrange for them to stay with me."

"But what about me?"

"What about you? The more I can have the kids the happier they'll be and you'll have more time for your lover."

"You're a hard man Jack. You know what I mean. I don't want to be alone. I want my family here. Everyone."

"You'll want to be with your lover when you don't have the children. Actually, you can call him your partner. We may still be married, but I'm no longer your partner."

"That's not what I have with Damien. It's only an affair, I explained that. Don't try to make out it's more than it is."

"I don't really care how you describe it. You love him and depend on him. It sounds to me like he's your partner."

"No! You twist things. You're my partner. You're the father of my children and my husband. There should be nothing that can break us apart."

Jack paused before speaking, visibly calming himself. "Really Caroline you deserve this mess if only to put you in touch with the real world. Now it's all very well to chat, but I'm busy."

"No. Don't go. Don't reject me." For the first time she lost her poise and was on her feet, her voice shrill, hands reaching out to snatch him, tears in her eyes. "We have to talk this through. I've worked hard to understand what happened to me. You need to think about it too. Give me time. Please."

He snorted contemptuously and went out. Caroline felt as if she'd been kicked and Damien wasn't much help when she rang him wanting sympathy. He couldn't understand why she hadn't confronted Jack about the email and demanded she do it at once. She wanted to go to bed and never get up again, but knew that Jack would be back with the children in no time.

She was not one to reflect on events, but the conversation with Jack played in her mind and she understood that he'd known about Damien for a while and said nothing. That hardly seemed imaginable. She'd never thought about what would happen if Jack discovered the affair – she'd pushed all such negative thoughts to one side. Now she could see how reckless she'd been, supposing without thinking more about it that she'd cope one way or another with whatever happened. But Jack's response completely surprised her. There was no fight or shouting or tears, just cold determination and a feeling that she'd disappointed him. Why hadn't he resisted the affair and fought to get her back? He'd walked away from her and absurdly she felt this belittled what she'd done. She wanted to shout at him: "Jack, this isn't the end of the world! We can sort it out. I shall move heaven and earth to make this alright for you." But he wasn't there to hear.

Later, the children came rushing into the house full of news.

"Mum, dad's going to live in Brighton," shouted Ben as soon as he was though the door. "We've been there. It's amazing. He says next time we go we can try the fairground rides on the pier. And I'm going sea fishing too. We'll have to get up before dawn."

She smiled and nodded, eyes brimming with tears. Amy rushed into her arms and buried her face. "I want to go with Panda to visit daddy as soon as I can because he'll be lonely on his own," she mumbled so that Caroline strained to hear.

"Did he say so?" asked Caroline gently, not knowing what Jack had told them and uncertain how to respond.

"He says there are lots of people at the University but he's always lonely when he's not with us."

"I'm sure you'll see a lot of him," said Caroline. "But I'll have to read your bedtime story in the week instead of Daddy."

"That's no good. You're always too busy to read it properly. I'll read to myself and save the stories Daddy likes until he's home to read them with me."

Caroline was doing her best but all the time was looking out to catch Jack when he came in.

"Where's your dad?" she asked Ben eventually.

"He said goodbye in the car. He had to go in a rush, he said, and that he'd pick us up from school on Friday. I think it's a swizz him not being here. You tell him Mum."

Caroline began to see how complicated life was going to be, her problems so many and large she couldn't begin to work out what to do. Clouding her mind was the pain of Jack's rejection and his steadfast refusal to accept any part of her point of view. Why couldn't he see she had to do this or else spend her whole life feeling that she'd flunked a rare chance to express and fulfil herself? He was being unreasonable, but if she was honest with herself she knew she should have expected this. That was why she'd kept her affair secret despite her guilt and dislike of behaving dishonestly. She'd believed love would count for something and they would find a way through – her love for him and the love he must still feel for her. She couldn't believe he could just stop loving her after so long together. But when she looked into Jack's eyes she'd found indifference and disgust – mostly indifference; he'd shut her out of his mind and was already thinking ahead to a life without her.

When she relaxed enough to think, it was money that became the largest problem. How could Jack imagine she could manage on her salary alone? Yes, she was paid well, but her income was already fully committed, she'd never been able to save, and there was a large mortgage to pay off. Worse still were the problems the email had caused at her work. When she'd got back from London she'd gone to work and been called at once to a meeting with one of the executive directors and the head of HR. They'd grilled her for an hour about her relations with Damien and the extent to which the affair had been responsible for the consultants' report which some of the directors had found so objectionable. She insisted again and again that the affair began after the report was written and took place entirely outside work. But of course there was no proof and by her own admission she had discussed the consultants' finding with Damien. By the end of the interview it was clear she was no longer the smart new thing in the eyes of her employers. They hinted that there was a question about whether they could keep her in a sensitive role where she had been shown to be lacking in sound business judgement. If she lost her job, she and her children would be destitute. It kept her awake at night.

It wasn't as if she could turn to Damien. His problems with work were greater than hers and she couldn't help feeling that he blamed her somehow for what had happened. His employers accused him of using the cover of a consultancy to pursue an affair with a customer. Worse, they said, was that he allowed an unprofessional situation to develop which harmed the company's reputation. He'd then compounded the problem by libelling a valuable client.

His defence was to prove he'd not sent the email. It was fairly easy, with the right help, to identify the IP address of the machine from which the email was sent, but this of course proved that it was his own machine. His assumption that Jack had burgled his house and sent the message was met with scepticism; there was no evidence of burglary. On the other hand, he had some proof, although inconclusive, that he had been in London at the time the email was sent. His demand to Caroline was that she make Jack admit sending the message. She knew this was not going to happen.

Caroline's once regulated life was now full of drama. When she started her affair it had never entered her mind that money would become an issue. If anything, she saw Damien as an additional asset, an unattached man with a high-paying job who could take care of the extras – the hotels and meals –involved in their affair. Jack had earned more than all of them. His resignation was unexpected and a feeble response to the situation because it hurt the children as much as anyone. She wondered how she would pay the mortgage, the utility bills and buy food. It was ridiculous to imagine she could ask Damien for money to help keep her family afloat.

She thought about it all the same. Why not ask Damien for help? It used to be that a mistress was kept by her paramour. She couldn't do it because in her mind the justification for the affair was that she was strong enough to manage the consequences. To ask for money would prove this wrong. After more thought she decided a better plan would be to tell Jack that unless he was prepared to shoulder his financial responsibilities she would have to ask Damien to help out. Jealously should prompt a more humane response.

Amy began to carry her Panda with her round the house and only put it down when Jack came home at the weekend. Caroline told her it was silly behaviour for a girl of nine and disgraced herself by shouting at Amy when she tried to take the battered toy to school. She then had to spend time calming her daughter when she was tired herself and wanted to scream. And Ben complained about the dinners she cooked.

"I don't like onions and cabbage and that's what you always cook. When I go to see my dad I'll have fish and chips."

"You'll eat what you're given and that'll be what we can afford," she told him.

The first weekend Jack was home they could barely sit together in the same room and said almost nothing to one another all weekend. In any case Jack spent most of his time with the children. She looked for opportunities to discuss the future but the moment never came.

He left on Monday, taking the children to school on his way out of town. When Caroline got to work she was called into another meeting, this time with the Head of HR alone. He offered her the job of Head of Governance and Secretariat to replace her current role in operations. The directorate no longer had confidence in her business judgement and did not want her working in a customer-facing job. She would keep her present salary as a concession and a note of the decision would be put on her record. If she objected, a first stage disciplinary hearing would be started, involving a panel chaired by a Board member. Her behaviour in relation to the consultants' report would be reviewed. Caroline knew she had to accept the change of duties, relieved she had work but in no doubt that the made-up job was a demotion. Back at her desk the humiliation hit hard and she became very angry. Why was she being punished for something she hadn't done? Her affair had nothing to do with her work and in any case the email was a scam.

She spent the Monday evening writing to all the people who had contacted her in response to the email sent from Damien's account. This included her parents and many friends.

"Thanks for you concern. Can't say much but yes Jack and I have had a few problems which we are working on. The email you may have seen circulating was a hoax, a criminal act which has caused me a lot of harm and heartache. Please don't add to it and don't believe everything you read on the internet. An exciting piece of news is that after working so long for his bank, Jack has decided to return to his studies and take up his PhD. Of course this requires a sacrifice from all of us but we are going to make it work. It's for such a good cause. Love from Jack and me and the children. Hope to see you soon."

It was in the spirit of bravado that on Tuesday Caroline made the first weekday journey to see Damien since the smash. She took the children to school and could not therefore start early to make up hours, and she had to collect them at the end of the day. There was also a mid-afternoon meeting for her new job and in the circumstances it was difficult to relax.

She was relieved to be with Damien but he seemed tense and reserved, he'd not dressed up for her and had little to say. As was their routine, they made love at once, but it was more vigorous and brutal than ever, and completed in silence. Afterwards they drank coffee and picked at the food Damien had brought. Neither was hungry and the grim topic of the conversation stopped them enjoying themselves. Damien still wanted proof that Jack had sent the email and pressured Caroline to make him admit it.

"Jack's not at home. He's resigned his job and spends the week in Brighton. He's certainly not in the mood to listen to me."

Far from disappointing Damien, this news appeared to please him. "Then tell him you'll kick him out for good unless he comes clean."

"Don't push me. I don't even know that Jack wrote that email. You may have other enemies."

"Use your intelligence." Damien was furious. "Who else had the motive and knew about us and could get hold of a picture of you?"

She was silent, then said in a rush, "I'll do what I can. But Dam, we're alright aren't we? We're not going to let this mess ruin us too?"

"Of course, but we need to deal with work so that we can move on. I'm glad you're husband's left. Now you can give me the time I deserve."

She wanted to remind him that she still had the children – and to say that she would do her best to get her husband back, but they went to the bedroom with little time left and their lovemaking was even more hurried and violent.

She returned from this visit to Damien shocked by what had happened and unable to explain why she was shocked. Not once had she felt that Damien cared for her or that she had his support. The sex was good. With Jack gone she needed it and no longer had to feel guilty. As a form of communication it was hopeless and they might as well have been strangers. She reasoned they were stressed and pressed for time. Things would get better. But she couldn't avoid wondering if they only shared sex and that now Jack was gone she was making demands of the relationship it couldn't bear. If so, she'd find the energy to repair her relationship with Damien and work on Jack as well.

"He'll come back when he's calmed down," she assured herself. "He'll realise it's best for the children. And we can work it out so that Damien's not an issue between us. I only need to keep my two men apart and show each that I love him. Damien's worried about his work and Jack's reacting to the shock and his pride, nothing else. In any case, he has no money so he'll have to come back."

Each night Caroline came home to fractious children and there was nobody to help her. When she finally got them to bed she was exhausted and with nothing to look forward to. She hated her new job and was obsessed with money. And each night she came back to the basic truth about her choice – either remain faithful and commit to her marriage or play around and put her relationship with Jack at risk. She'd taken the risky course and had nobody to blame but herself for the way it turned out.