I wish things hadn't happened as they did. I wish that we both had higher self-esteem and didn't feel the need to lie to each other. I wish that we could still chat and be friends, but you've made the decision to hurt me and I have to accept that.
I lied about my martial status and I lied about my age. I wish I were younger and single. At this point in my life, I wish I could go back and change things. When I finally told you the truth, it was a big step for me and part of me was scared of what you would say. No, actually, all of me was scared of how you would react. You reacted with kindness and acceptance and I loved that about you. I admitted to lying to you and you were fine with it. I was stunned. I thought to myself, how you could be fine with what I told you. Then I understood.
You lied about things too. You lied about where you lived, your age, and what you did for a living. I kept asking you for the truth and I stupidly accepted your response that you were telling the truth. When you finally told me the truth, it was too late.
I hate myself for having feelings for you. I shouldn't. Then again, I shouldn't have been chatting in an internet chat room to begin with. I should have been spending time with my family, but that's my own mistake. You did not make me do what I did.
I was truly relieved when you told me the whole truth. As I said in an email, I don't care what the truth is; I just want to know the truth. I will accept you for whoever you are. I just deserve the respect of actually being told the truth.
We both know we shouldn't have been doing what we did. It felt good at the time and gave us both what we needed. You needed to make someone feel good sexually. You wanted to be accepted and loved by someone who couldn't hurt you back. You desperately needed a distraction from the stress that was going on in your life. I needed a release of my sexual tension. I needed to forget about my current life. When I chatted with you, I was a different person. I had self-esteem. I liked myself. I was happy and laughed. You made me all those things and when you no longer wanted to talk to me, you took those all away from me.
I hate you for having that much power over me. I hate you for saying you never wanted to hurt me, but then hurting me just the same. I hate you just as much as I hate myself. I hate myself for allowing you to have power over me. I hate myself for letting you hurt me. I hate myself for getting into this situation to begin with.
Think back to those first few times we chatted. Do you remember how we flirted with each other? Do you remember how it made you feel? It made me feel so good inside. It made me feel loved. We said those three little words to each other so many times. Did we really mean it? I doubt it.
I know I'm being emotional, but I'm allowed. You need to allow me to be emotional about this. Actually, I need to allow myself to be emotional about this. I have always been so practical and methodical, but I need to work through my emotions.
We can't continue to talk and be friends. It's a very fine line between friendship and being lovers. It's all or nothing. We can't go back to how it was before. Too much has been ruined. I truly hate myself for what happened, but there is nothing that can be done.
I am moving on with my life. It will take time, but I will move on and forget about you. I know it will take a long time for my heart to mend. You broke it badly and I'm not sure if I will ever be whole again. My self-esteem is shattered and will probably never return to normal. You took a lot away from me and I'm going to need a lot of time to mend myself.
I wish all this hadn't happened. I wish we had never met in that chat room because then I wouldn't feel so bad about this.
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