Coffee Nips Anonymous

"Hola, Big Guy," said Luis as he hugged me. Gina and Maria gave me similar greetings, but each gave me a peck on the cheek. "Nice costume," he added with a grin.

"Thanks," I grinned back, "but it's not a costume." As busy as I was organizing this show, I didn't really have time to put one together. But less than half an hour earlier, I placed my hat on my head and my skin had taken on a deep blood red hue. I'd also sprouted points on my ears, six-inch horns and a barbed tail, and I walked on cloven hooves.

I appraised their costumes. Maria was dressed as a sexy lady cop handcuffed to Luis, who bore old-style prison stripes. Cat had a very impressive Zombie ensemble, and Gina was quite fetching as Little Bo Peep. "Your costumes are excellent. Luis has been a naughty boy. A darn lucky naughty boy." Luis blushed and Maria beamed. "And Talisman, in that Neanderthal costume, you look just like D'rundarr."

"Me no Tall Is Man," he said doing a remarkable Neanderthal voice. "Me D'rundarr."

"That is so good!" I exclaimed, not quite catching on. "Say something else like D'rundarr."

I was startled by Talisman's (or I should say Camouflage, since we'd decided to stick to that name when he was invisible, and Talisman otherwise ... at least for now) voice coming from my left. "I'm here as the Invisible Man tonight. That is D'rundarr."

"Wow!" I wowed, "I guess I should have realized you were at least two feet taller than usual. How are you tonight, D'rundarr?"

"Me good," he grinned. The resemblance was uncanny. I'd have to do a compare and contrast when I got them together again, when Talisman was visible.

A surprise hug surprised me from behind. "Hey you horny devil!" greeted Squasha as she kissed my neck. "How in Hell are you?"

"Doing great," I said turning to give her a proper hug. Then I whispered in her ear, "Could we talk somewhere private? Not right away; I don't want to draw attention."

"Sure Animal," she whispered back, kissing me on the cheek. "How do you like my costume?" she asked loud enough for the group.

We all agreed that she made a wonderful Dominatrix Nun.

****

Just before Grimace and the Plowmen started their set, the crowd outside the Canary started making its way in. I figured this would be a good time for a private chat in the parking lot, so I caught Squasha's eye and made my way outside, squeezing past a penguin in a fairy princess costume. A short time later, Squasha appeared next to me in a puff of green smoke (with a little yellow mixed in).

"What's up?" she asked.

I looked at her and dropped my gaze. The lump in my throat made talking difficult.

"Hey," she said giving me a supportive hug, "what's wrong?" When I didn't answer, she put her hands on my face and made me look at her. "Talk to me."

"Squasha," I began, "I've been an idiot."

Perhaps I'll tell you another time exactly what we talked about, but for now, suffice to say, I explained to her what I'd been feeling, and put an end to the strangeness that had existed (albeit one-sided) for much too long. I also explained about the memories that I shared with her, thanks to the magical rabbit, and gave my promise that her secrets were safe with me. We agreed that our friendship was now on more solid ground, then embraced tightly and warmly and exchanged a familial kiss.

Just then, Elmo, wearing a cape and Roman Legionnaire's helmet, leapt between us. "Hello Animal," he said, hugging me. "Hello pretty Squasha!" he said, hugging her; his voice all soft and squishy. The little guy was obviously in love with Squasha, and who could blame him? "What are Squasha and Animal talking about?"

"Just about what an idiot Animal is," she answered with a wink to me.

"Haha!" he laughed. "Do Animal and Squasha like Elmo's Halloween costume? Elmo is Super Grover!"

"Groovy! Hey Gordon! Hi Susan!" I said giving them both a friendly hug.

They were dressed as vampires and they looked totally cool.

"We haven't missed anything, have we?" asked Gordon. "Elmo took awhile to decide on a costume, so we hung back to give him a ride."

"Thank you Gordon and Susan!" yelled Elmo.

"A couple of songs, I think," answered Squasha, hugging the big bald black man in greeting, "but there's plenty more to come."

****

There was a good mix of music, and people got to slam dance in the pit while such bands as F.U.C.K.E.D. (which stands for 'Fundamentally Unnecessarily Complicated Kangaroo Etymology Dammit'... well, that's what they say now, but at the time it stood for 'Fast Unintelligible Corruptive KrispieKreeme Éclairs and Donuts'... don't ask me why they changed it) or Aunt May Day played, or just enjoy the sounds of The Sow or Töm Arnöld's Wörld.

Another well-known local band played the benefit show too, but they were going in a 'bold new direction'. Some people were skeptical when Cat suggested booking a Polka band for this gig, but everyone was loving it, and hardcore punks could be seen slam dancing to the Polish rhythms of the 'New and Improved' Iron Twinkie.

We got a rest from slamming as Wet Wax Factory, featuring the lovely Squasha on vocals, did a set. The band was in top form, and Squasha's voice was haunting.

Then it was back into the pit when Rednecks In Pain, featuring the lovely Cat on vocals, performed. They did some of their classics, as well as many new songs from their recent cassette release, Sick Semen. Cat was full of energy, and it was arguably RIP's best performance ever.

When they were done playing, Camouflage and I sat down with Big Bird (disguised as Charlie Chaplin) who ordered a round of RootBeers for us. I tried to say, "These are on me", since it's my club and all, but Big Bird cut me off. "All the proceeds are going to Sesame Street, right?"

"Right," I answered.

"Well then, I'm buying this round. Hey, who's on stage next?"

I shrugged. I'd long since forgotten the line-up, but Camouflage was on top of things. "Jane's Addiction, then Iggy Pop and finally Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem."

"Cool," said Big Bird, "I like Jane's Addiction, and I've been an Iggy Pop fan since he fronted for the Stooges!"

"You don't like the Electric Mayhem?" asked Camouflage.

"Of course I do," he protested. "It just goes without saying."

"Uh-oh," said Camouflage. We waited, expecting Talisman to pop into view, but nothing happened. "Sorry. False alarm."

Dave Maudlin came over to say goodnight, and nearly tripped over a bunny rabbit dressed as Thor, the Mighty God of Thunder (his hammer looked frighteningly familiar).

"You going already?" I asked him.

"Yeah, I'm out of film, and this isn't really my kind of music."

"Oh well, you can't help it if you have crappy taste," I laughed as he beat me with his stuffed Sock on a Stick™.

"Oh hey!" he said to the whole table when he was done pummeling me. "Come over next Friday the 28th. I'm having a dinner party as a long overdue housewarming for Lucky."

"Have you given him fair warning?"

"No, no. It's a surprise."

"That should be interesting. I'll be there. Can I bring Renée?"

"Sure," he said, "see you then!"

"Do you think he knew I was here?" asked Camouflage, as Dave left.

"You were sipping your RootBeer when he made the invite," suggested Big Bird.

"Nuts! Ah well, I've eaten Army food. What could be worse?"

"Famous last words," said Big Bird, and we all shared a hearty laugh.

By the time we'd emptied our pitcher of RootBeer, the show was ready to resume.

Jane's Addiction was great! Iggy Pop rocked! And Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem was nothing short of Groovy! They even had a surprise guest as Rolf the Dog took the piano for two songs. The crowd roared appreciatively throughout.

****

As the show ended, I went outside for some cool air. Cat, Squasha, Camouflage and Big Bird joined me. We chatted excitedly about the bands, particularly the Mayhem, and how great the show was. We agreed that it was, all in all, a smash success.

"There was one near disaster," reported Cat.

"Oh?" I queried.

"Yeah, Kermit was sort of frantic, because Samantha Fox was preparing to go onstage, as RIP was coming off, to perform some songs from her last Nude album. He couldn't find you, so he asked me what to do."

"What did you tell him?" asked Camouflage.

"To thank her for a great performance. He did, then she said, 'You're welcome. I was glad to help the Poppets' and went to pose for Nude photos for Dave."

"Nice work," I said.

A pretty voluptuous young woman, perhaps a year or two older than me, approached. "Hi," she said as if she knew me. She looked vaguely familiar, but I wasn't sure how I might have known her (and her Catwoman™ costume didn't help). I think my expression effectively communicated this to her, because she said, "You probably don't remember me, but believe it or not, I'm your sister-in-law."

My first thought was that I didn't remember any of my brothers marrying her, but then I remembered meeting her at my baby sister's wedding. Lynette had married this woman's brother! "Oh yes! Debbie, isn't it?"

"Yes," she smiled. "Have you been to see Lynette?"

"Not in a week or two. Why?"

"She just had her baby. You have a new nephew. She's at Badtits Hospital now."

"Groovy! Did you hear that everyone!? I'm an uncle ... again!" I already had six nieces and three nephews before that, but that didn't make this news any less exciting. "Do you think I'll be able to visit them tonight?"

"You might be able to. It wouldn't hurt to try."

I thanked Debbie for passing on the news and headed for the hospital.

****

"I'm here to see my new nephew," I said to the receptionist at the Maternity ward of Badtits Hospital. "Halloween party," I explained, as she looked me and my friends over.

Soon afterwards I was introducing a very confused-looking baby Michael to Squasha, Camouflage, Big Bird and Cat. When he flashed us the peace sign, I knew we'd get along just fine.

As the nurse put Michael back to bed she said, "I'll see if your sister is awake, and you can go in and see her."

We were allowed in after a very brief wait. Lynette looked exhausted, but she smiled as we came in. "Hi Scotty," she said weakly. Not many people knew my given name was Scott, and even fewer used it. Those who called me 'Scotty' could be counted on one finger. Well ... if that one finger represented most of my family.

"Hi Lynette," I said as I hugged my baby sister and kissed the top of her head. She greeted my friends (she'd known Cat and the man who once went by Apricot Jones almost as long as I had, and she met Squasha and Big Bird soon after my homelessness ordeal). "You've got a beautiful son. How are you holding up?"

"Okay. How are you?"

"I'm doing great, considering I just gave birth to an eight pound baby. Oh wait, that was you!"

She smiled an exhausted smile.

As we talked about the birth and how she had cursed the doctor horribly, I absently unwrapped a coffee nip and popped it in my mouth.

Everyone was staring at me.

"What?" I asked. "Does anyone else want a nip?"

"Dammit, Scotty!" admonished Lynette, "After what you went through this summer, you're still doing those things?!"

It was true. I had resolved, once again, to quit them after my ordeal. For the first week or so I did okay, but with the stress of organizing this show, and trying to get the next PBU out, that familiar craving came back with a vengeance.

"I'm trying to quit," I muttered, taking the nip out of my mouth and putting it back in the wrapper.

"Well, maybe you can't do it on your own," she said as the nurse came in. "Do something about it."

"Mommy needs her rest," said the nurse politely. "I'll have to chase everyone out."

"I love you, Dumbass," said Lynette with a yawn.

"I love you too, Brat," I said, giving her a goodbye hug.

****

Outside in the parking lot, Big Bird put a wing on my shoulder. "Your sister was right, you know."

"Yeah Animal," added Camouflage, "you need help."

"If I..." I began.

"No 'ifs', Animal," interrupted Cat.

"And what about...?" I tried to ask.

"No 'ands', Animal."

"But..."

"No 'buts', Animal," said Cat, and I was out of arguments. "Did I ever tell you that I was a nip addict?" My blank stare told him that he hadn't. "Yup. Right after that horrible incident at the Plexiglass Onion, when Squasha had to bring everyone back to life with coffee nips, when we were all killed by Frank's Nuclear wastoid. I was hooked after that."

"Wait a minute..." I said, "did you say 'I was a nip addict'? Past tense?"

"Yes." He pulled out the July issue of Polar Bears Unlimited and flipped to an ad in the back. "I got help right away, when I realized the craving was so strong. We've been running these ads since we started PBU. Maybe it's time you called. I'm willing to be your sponsor."

"And I'll go with you," added Big Bird. "I haven't had a nip in over a week, but you don't know how tempted I was when you offered. Or maybe you do."

"Squasha?" I asked, turning to her.

"Um..." she hesitated, "let me know if it works for you." And she teleported away in a puff of yellow smoke (with a little purple mixed in).

"What do you say, Animal?" asked Cat, handing me the Coffee Nips Anonymous ad.

"Okay, I'll do it," I said with just a little trepidation.

****

On my way home, I flew by Squasha's place at Panda-built University. She let me in after I tapped on her window. She'd ditched her Dominatrix Nun costume in favor of a men's oversized red flannel pajama shirt.

"You okay, Muffin?" I asked.

"Sorry about before, Scotty," she said. I stuck my tongue out at her. "Animal," she amended. "I'm just not ready yet. I can't imagine being without that ... comfort. Y'know?"

"Believe me Love, I understand."

We said no more about it, and instead cuddled together on her sofa and watched Dobie Gillis on Nick at Nite (Squasha didn't own a television, so I got one out of my hat. It was made of ice, but it was cable-ready and gave a clear picture).

I hugged her goodnight and flew home after two swell episodes (we might have watched more, but the screen was beginning to melt).

****

"BREEEAAAKFAAAAST!"

"AAAAAA!" I screamed and fell out of bed as the fuzzy fanged face of Animal the Muppet yelled 'BREEEAAAKFAAAAST!' at me. I swallowed hard, forcing my thumping heart back into my chest cavity. I remembered that Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem was staying at the Canary for a few days before moving on to their next gig, as were several of the roadies and staff. "Oh good morning, Animal. Did you sleep well?"

"BREAKFAST! BREAKFAST! BREAKFAST!" he yelled over and over again.

"Okay, thanks Animal," I said. I put on a bathrobe and made a quick stop in the restroom, before going into the kitchen. I noticed, looking in the mirror, that my Devilish appearance had faded while I slept. I still had two little horny nubs on my forehead, but otherwise I was me again. The nubs, I was sure, would be gone in a couple of hours.

"Mornin', Animal!" greeted Dr. Teeth.

"MORNIN'!" called Animal the Muppet to Dr. Teeth.

"Naw, Animal," explained Sgt. Floyd Pepper, "the Doctor was talking to Animal, not you, man."

"Wha'?"

"Not you, man," he explained again, "Animal."

"Animal not me?"

"Right, man. That's Animal."

I greeted my Muppet guests, and my new flatmate Don the Poodle, who still wore his silk kimono pajamas. It occurs to me now, that if I'd known that Don was a Samurai, I might have asked for his help in the upcoming events. He would have been a real asset, and things might have gone a bit smoother. But because Don was not wont to brag, it wouldn't be until much later that I would find out.

"Yo, Animal," mumbled Zoot with a nod, as the Swedish Chef handed me a two foot stack of flapjacks which teetered precariously on the plate. They looked kind of sloppy, and there were several of them stuck to the ceiling, but they smelled great.

"YO!" said Animal.

"Naw, Animal," explained Sgt. Floyd Pepper, "Zoot was talking to Animal, not you, man."

"Wha'?"

Janice danced naked into the kitchen, grabbed a leaning tower of pancakes from the Chef, and greeted me with a long sloppy tongue kiss. I suppose it wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't have a mouthful of griddlecake at the time. "Mmmm, like, sweet," she said. "Good morning, Animal!"

"GOOD MORNING, JANICE!" shouted Animal.

"Naw, Animal," explained Sgt. Floyd Pepper, "Janice was talking to Animal, not you, man."

"Wha'?"

"Not you, man," he explained again.

Just then the phone rang and Rizzo grabbed it. "Telephone for Animal," he said and handed me the receiver.

I reached for it and Animal leapt at me, slamming into me with a flying tackle as he struggled to get the phone. "MY PHONE! MY PHONE!" he yelled. I was too busy making sure that my bathrobe concealed my naughty-bits, and I was laughing too hard to fight back and gave it up.

"I think," I said from my prone position, the shaggy Muppet sitting on my chest, "that as long as you guys are staying here, you should refer to me as 'Cuddly-Pooh'!"

"PHONE FOR YOU!" said Animal.

"Mr. Hutchinson?" came the voice from the other end of the line. "This is Sandra from Coffee Nips Anonymous. I'm calling to confirm your booking for ten o'clock this morning. Do you have a car, Mr. Hutchinson?"

"No," I said.

"I'll send someone to pick you up at 9:45 then, shall I?"

"Oh that's not necessary. I can get there okay."

"Very good, Mr. Hutchinson. We'll see you in forty minutes then."

Ack! That wasn't much time. I got the address and scribbled it down on a scrap of paper. "Sandra?"

"Yes, Mr. Hutchinson?"

"This may sound silly, but I don't remember booking with CNA. I mean, I intended to, but ..."

"A Mr. Tiddlywinks booked for you, Mr. Hutchinson."

Cat! Good on him. He knows what a procrastinator I can be. Well, no time to waste. "Thank you, Sandra." I had to get ready fast. I bolted up off the floor.

"WAA!" yelled Animal as I unceremoniously dumped him off my chest.

"Oops, sorry Animal."

"S'okay!"

I decided that if I was going to be serious about kicking the nip habit, I should toss out all of the coffee nips that I had. Gathering up every box and loose nip that I could find, I dropped them into the trashcan. I paused before tossing in the last box. There was an entry form for a television giveaway. 'Why not?' I thought, and tore it off the box before throwing away the nips. I'd fill out the form and mail it out in the afternoon.

As good as breakfast was, I didn't feel that I should comment on the condition of my kitchen; I just thanked the Chef and ran to take a shower.

"Occupied!" shouted Sweetums, the Mayhem's chief of security, seated on the toilet.

"Oops! Sorry!" I said, shielding my eyes and shutting the bathroom door. Heck. I waited awhile, but I soon realized that I was out of time for a shower. So I went into my room, placed my hat on the bed upside down and dove in. Utilizing the power of the hat, I willed away the night's sweat and grime, and flew out squeaky clean. It wasn't as refreshing as a nice long cool shower, but it got the job done.

I dressed as quickly as I could, but discovered that I had no clean shirts. Once again the hat would come to the rescue. Reaching in, I snatched a bright yellow t-shirt with a smiley face on the chest. The face winked at me before I put the shirt on. I grabbed my hat and put on my denim jacket on my way down the stairs. "'Bye everyone!" I called to the Muppets on my way out the door. "Make yourselves at home, and I'll see you this afternoon!"

Placing my hat on my head and wrapping my maroon scarf around my neck, I flew with all speed towards Jo Johnson Avenue, where CNA headquarters was located. I noticed that I left behind a vapor trail of daisies and rosebuds, which floated gently to the ground wherever I flew.