Collateral Damage

Riding the shock wave:

I walked back to the kitchen, opened the liquor cupboard and poured myself a stiff Scotch. I sat in a chair at the kitchen table and waited for Caroline's arrival. I was collecting my thoughts and wondering just how the next few minutes would go when Caroline slowly walked into the kitchen. She stopped a few feet from the table and looked carefully at me. I suppose she was worried I might strike her or attack her, but my calm demeanor must have partially allayed those fears.

"Sit down Caroline!" I used my authoritative voice for effect.

She looked cautiously at me and moved toward the table. She chose a chair as far away from mine as possible.

"I suppose I owe you an explanation." she offered quietly; barely able to look at me.

"I have no interest in your explanation." I snapped back.

"You have to understand, Mark. I love you. I didn't want to hurt you." she pleaded.

"You have a funny way of expressing love, Caroline. However, that's neither here nor there. Allow me to tell you what the consequences of your ... tryst ... if that's the right word ... will be." I was working myself toward High Dudgeon quite nicely.

"Mark, this didn't mean anything. It doesn't change how I feel about you ..."

I cut her off. "Don't bother, Caroline! Your lies and deceit speak for themselves. Infidelity is infidelity; period!"

"Mark, can't you find it in your heart to forgive me?" she pleaded.

"My god, Caroline, can't you come up with a better cliché than that?" My distain for her pleas was clearly showing. "You've betrayed a sacred trust; your wedding vows. Do you understand that much?" I demanded.

"Yes ... I'm so sorry ... I never meant to ... I would never ..." She finally ran out of steam.

"As a point of interest Caroline, how long has this affair been going on?" I really was curious about two things. How long had she been deceiving me and whether she would tell me the truth in the first place.

"Not long ... a while."

"How long is that?" I demanded.

There was a long pause. "Since last fall." she answered in almost a whisper.

"My god Caroline! Last fall is over six months ago!" That takes it out of the 'fling' category and puts it into a full blown affair, I thought. Now I was really pissed off.

"Why do you hate me so much?" she suddenly asked.

"I don't hate you Caroline. I'm past hate. That came before being sick to my stomach and disbelief. It came before anger and disillusionment. It came before sadness and resignation. I've gone through every ugly emotion in the book and back again. There is very little feeling for you left. You have destroyed me Caroline. You have destroyed me as surely as if you'd driven a sword through my heart. I loved you with everything I had for every one of our 23 years. I never dreamed of cheating or betraying you; it would be inconceivable. But you didn't feel that way and now ... now it's over." I had said everything that needed to be said about my emotions and I didn't need to explain myself further.

"No please, Mark, please ... don't do this ... please!" She was beside herself with fear.

"Sorry Caroline, the wheels are already in motion. You will be served with divorce papers; probably on Monday. The grounds will be infidelity.

"No! Mark! No! Please, please don't do this. I can't ... what will I do without you?" She had deteriorated into begging with no rational argument to support her. "What about the children?"

I had been waiting for her to play this card. Our children were on the verge of adulthood. Catherine, or Cat as she preferred, was a 20 year old Junior at the district college and was destined to be a teacher. She was one of those rare people that believed teaching was a sales profession. Her responsibility was to sell her charges on the concept of learning; to instill a desire to absorb knowledge. She would either become one of the great teachers of our time or live in academia, collecting degrees and marrying an associate professor.

Michael, her 18 year old brother, was a freshman at the same college. His interests were more business related and he too was serious about his education. At the same time, he was popular with both his male peers and the lovely young ladies that populated the campus. He was enjoying every minute of his post secondary education. Both of them lived on campus because we could afford it and because they were unprepared for the seventy mile daily round trip to and from the college.

"I will tell them that I am divorcing you for infidelity. I will tell them that there is no hope of reconciliation. I will also tell them, if pressed, that your infidelity was planned and took place over several months. Beyond that, I will tell them nothing. I will not tell them who the other party is, but be aware that as you well know, they are very close to their Uncle Bob and Aunt Karen. I cannot and will not control what they choose to disclose. So, as the saying goes, the ball's in your court. What you choose to tell them is up to you."

Caroline had buried her face in her hands and was sobbing quietly. I felt a passing moment of sympathy and remorse, but then the memories of the last few hours resurfaced and I returned to my cold demeanor.

"I'm sure I'll hear from both our parents, Caroline. I will tell my parents only what I will tell our children; the grounds, the time frame and the planning and that there will be no getting back together. As for your parents, I'm sure they will be upset that I'm not giving you a chance to reconcile and will want to know why. If they press me, thinking that I'm the problem and not you, I will tell them everything and I do mean everything. Therefore, I suggest you be quite frank with them to head that eventuality off at the pass."

Then I began to spell out the truly uncomfortable issues that the divorce would produce. I suggested she should think about some other consequences. This is a small town. As a prominent real estate agent, she travels in wide circles and her membership in the Chamber of Commerce puts her in contact with the town power base. The news of our divorce will undoubtedly raise questions. When answers aren't forthcoming, the rumor mill will kick in. I advised her to remember that my brother Bob was on the selection committee for the Chairmanship of the Chamber of Commerce; a post to which Caroline aspired. In addition, she had hinted that she might try a run for City Council. An ugly divorce and any hint of sexual impropriety would put paid to that ambition.

I reminded her that so many people knew both of us and thought of us as having an ideal marriage that questions would be asked and when no information followed, people would come to their own conclusions. One day we were the perfect couple and the next we were divorced. Since I was a responsible and significant employer in the community, I could ill afford to have doubts cast on my reputation and so, if asked, I would once again rely on my standard reply; the grounds were her infidelity.

Caroline was now clearly reeling from my verbal assault. I had bombarded her with one negative consequence after another and she had been given no time to recover. It was time I gave her a break and one for myself as well. I wanted to remain calm and rational; even if I was angry and disgusted. I went back to the liquor cabinet and poured myself another scotch. I looked over at Caroline and asked her if she wanted something. She shook her head and didn't look up at me. I had truly demoralized her with the litany of disaster awaiting her. I stood at the end of the kitchen and just watched her as I sipped my drink.

"It isn't the same, you know." she said finally in a monotone.

"What isn't the same?"

"Being with a woman. It was always better with you. I would never have cheated on you with a man."

"Is that supposed to comfort me?"

"No ... it's just the truth. It was always better with you. I love you Mark. I always will. That won't change no matter what happens to us."

"I suppose I will always love you too, Caroline ... at least in my memories of the times before ... before this." I was slipping into the maudlin and morose and I had tried manfully not to let that happen. I needed to get myself back in control of the conversation; or maybe it was a lecture. Whatever, I needed to get back to where I was.

"Your personality when you were with Karen wasn't very nice from what I could hear. You treated her like a sex slave. Is that the way you saw her?" I was curious about the relationship of two women who I had always thought were good friends.

"It was role playing. It wasn't how were really were with each other. It let us play like actors and be someone we weren't in real life." She said all this with her head in her hands and looking down at the table.

"Well, you fooled me, Caroline. It sounded pretty authentic to me. It sounded pretty authentic to Bob as well. In fact, it sounded so authentic that Bob might have the idea that you coerced or maybe seduced Karen into your little game. Is that how it was?" I wondered if she would tell the truth this time.

She looked up at me and stared at me for what seemed to be a minute. Her head dropped again and she said nothing.

"You should be aware that if Karen tells Bob that you did just that, he will have grounds to sue you for Alienation of Affection. That would really be messy." Bang! Another nail in her emotional coffin.

"Just one final thing, Caroline. I want my grandmother's engagement ring back. It was given to me by her to give to you. It's a family heirloom."

"No, please ... not that too!" she pleaded.

"Caroline, I have never raised a hand to you in all our years together and I can't even recall raising my voice to you until today. But I swear to God, if you don't give me that ring I will take it from you."

I watched her as she slowly pulled the ring from her finger and pushed it across the table toward me.

"Thank you."

"What happens now?" she asked weakly.

"Good question. I suggest you go to work tomorrow and Sunday. You're going to need an income when you're on your own. I've packed a bag and I will be living elsewhere for the time being. I suggest you get a lawyer for your own protection. You're definitely going to need one. He can contact my lawyer through my office."

I did not tell her that the groundwork had already been done with my lawyer and he would do everything possible to minimize what she could take from this marriage. We lived in a no-fault jurisdiction and I would need to protect my assets. I would hope that her income records and the cause of the marriage breakup would cancel the possibility of support payments; but I was not hopeful. Unfortunately for Caroline, the house was mine by family inheritance from before our marriage and wasn't up for grabs. In addition, I had contacted my friend and bank manager Frank Colletti and he had agreed to look after transferring money from our joint and savings accounts and cancelling joint credit cards as well as retrieving my family items, insurance policies, jewelry, will and other valuable papers in the Safe Deposit box. Frank would make himself available to me tomorrow morning to head off any pre-emptive strike by Caroline. I would change my will on Monday at the lawyer's office as we finalized the divorce paperwork.

It was time to go. I had said everything that needed to be said and I was worn out from the stress and strain of this ugly, ugly day. It would forevermore be burned into my memory as Black Friday.

"Is there anything you want to say before I go?" I asked.

She looked up at me with nothing but despair on her face. She seemed to be trying to form her words but they didn't come. Finally, she lowered her head and I heard her quietly say, "I love you Mark. I'm sorry. I love you."

At that was that. It wasn't very satisfying and I gained no feeling of victory from this confrontation. She was broken and beaten and we both knew it. I had given her a verbal thrashing without having to raise my voice or threaten her in any other way than the possible consequences of her actions. There would be no joy in this for anyone.

Standing in the wasteland:

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. That's Newton's Third Law of Physics. In the past three years, the aftershocks from the detonation on Black Friday have almost subsided but the damage has been catastrophic. I don't suppose I will ever know what caused Caroline to initiate her deception and this bizarre episode in her life. Perhaps she doesn't know herself. I wondered if Karen might have revealed anything about the origins to Bob, but I suspect not and I doubt that Bob would be anxious to know as he tried to repair his life.

Bob tried manfully to undo the damage done to his relationship with Karen in that single afternoon. They continued to live together and Bob told me that they resumed sexual relations shortly afterwards, but he knew almost right away that they were doomed. The special comfort that comes with unconditional love and trust had been lost. Bob still loved Karen deeply and she had never for a second not loved him, but the damage was irreversible. The dark shadow that had been cast over their marriage never left and less than a year after that momentous day, Bob filed for divorce, citing Irreconcilable Differences. Karen knew in her heart that they could not recover from her actions and left without protest. She briefly stayed with Caroline in her apartment, but was gone again in less than two weeks and went home to her parents. She became virtually invisible. Bob would send her support cheque to her parent's home and at first they would be cashed as much as a month later. In the past six months they weren't cashed at all. When he phoned to ask her mother about it, she simply said she had gone and wouldn't be back. She said they didn't know where to contact her. Bob felt great sorrow for Karen. He knew she was the victim as much as she was the participant, but he could not cope with the visions that were etched into his psyche.

I talked to Bob a few weeks ago and he mentioned that a large national grocery chain was putting together a proposal to buy his two well placed grocery stores; one on each end of town. Bob has told me that their proposal would mean that he would never have to work again if he didn't want to and he would probably sell. He had no idea what he would do with his time and that was the one thing that would keep him from signing on the dotted line. I talked to him again last week and he told me he had signed the papers and was going to work in a garden centre. He was an avid gardener and loved the soil and it was the kind of thing that would occupy his time and keep his thoughts from dwelling on Karen and the past. We see each other now and then for a beer or a sandwich when time permits. We're still close, but the events of the past have spoiled that special relationship we had become comfortable with. I hope we get it back sometime in the future. I love my brother and I want him to find someone with whom he can live the rest of his life in comfort and trust.

Our Children are now both adults and on their own. Catherine is teaching in a nearby town and I see her about once a month or so. She has somehow accommodated both her mother and me without judgment it seems. I have no idea what her mother has told her about the reason for the divorce, but I have kept my end of the bargain. Cat, for her part, has not pressed me for more. Both she and her brother were greatly saddened by the breakup of Uncle Bob and Aunt Karen's marriage. There is a man in Cat's life, but I don't think she's emotionally ready for marriage quite yet.

Michael, on the other hand, is very bitter toward his mother and refuses to see or talk to her. I'm not sure if he knows from Caroline, Catherine or some other source what the circumstances surrounding our breakup were, but certainly he knows more that just the basics. Cat tells me his attitude toward young women of his age has also changed for the worse. He has become quite cynical in his conquests and his reputation among them has not been enhanced by his actions. He is just finishing his senior year in Business Administration and tells me he will probably move to the 'Big City' when he begins his career. I don't see him as often as I would like and I sense he is uncomfortable around me, but I'm not sure why. I feel badly for him and I hope he can get past this unhappy period in his life and find someone to love and honor.

Caroline is still in town and struggling to maintain her clientèle. As predicted, the rumors were rampant in short order and she suffered the indignation and humiliation of not only not being considered for the chair of the Chamber of Commerce but also being ostracized from her social group at her office. She has become a loner and my daughter tells me she is a bitter and hardened woman. She moved out of our house almost immediately and rented a small apartment near her real estate office. I had heard recently that she had dated a couple of men but had incinerated the relationships almost immediately. Her reputation has been bandied about the community and it wouldn't surprise me to see her move away for a fresh start. She is a talented sales agent and should be able to make a decent living; but only without the burden of local rumor and gossip.

As for me, I'm living in my overlarge house by myself with occasional visits from our kids. I haven't had the impetus to look for a companion yet, but perhaps that will come in time. I have immersed myself in the job and tried to have a normal relationship with my employees, but it hasn't been easy. Despite the facts, rumors about me undoubtedly move around and there isn't a thing I can do about it. I didn't find it necessary to tell any of these strangers all the facts of the dissolution of my marriage, but the questions on the faces of those who did ask were plainly written.

I've gone through all the stages anyone who has this happen to them would go through, I guess. There was a period of self-doubt when I wondered if I could have handled things differently. If I hadn't told Bob and just confronted Caroline; would that have ended it? Should I have tried to work through it with her and put it behind me? No matter what scenario I painted, the images of that afternoon and those photographs were permanent and I knew it would have been futile. I had been angry when I met with my lawyer and learned how much Caroline would be entitled to from our estate despite her faithless behavior. I now have a low opinion of no-fault divorce. It should be called no-responsibility divorce. It hasn't stripped my assets, however, and I'm not stressed financially in any way. I send Caroline a small cheque each month and I noticed that it's cashed promptly. The settlement was based on her last three years earnings before the divorce and unfortunately for her, they were banner years. The judge correctly surmised that she didn't need much of my economic help to get by. Her economic circumstances have changed dramatically and she is now living a very modest life.

My elegant and talented Executive Assistant, Elizabeth, has retired and I miss her more that I could have imagined. She was like a second brain and another heart. She was the only person I ever told the whole sordid story from beginning to end. Even my lawyer didn't have all the gory details. Her counsel kept me sane and her unconditional friendship was my life preserver for several months. She knew me like we were twins and her replacement, a very nice middle-aged woman named Florence is very competent and dependable; but she's not Elizabeth.

I've never discovered from whom the anonymous phone call came. Perhaps a nosy neighbor or someone at Caroline's office; I'll probably never know.